The Babysitter Page #3

IF YOU'RE GOING TO RALPH,

DO IT OUT THERE.

DON'T GET IT ALL OVER THE INSIDE--

OH, SH*T!

THAT'S BAD-ASS, MAN.

DON'T GET IT ALL OVER THE SIDE.

HOW YOU DOING? YOU FEEL BETTER?

I FEEL A LOT BETTER.

HAVE SOME GUM.

HERE. HAVE SOME GUM.

ALL RIGHT?

WE'RE ALMOST THERE.

[HONK HONK]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[TV GUNSHOTS]

BITSY, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR BATH.

I DON'T WANT TO. JIMMY GOES FIRST.

BITSY, JIMMY GOES SECOND

BECAUSE JIMMY DOESN'T GO TO BED TILL 10:00.

I NEVER GET TO STAY UP.

O.K., YOU CAN WATCH TV

WHILE JIMMY TAKES HIS BATH.

I DON'T WANT TO.

WELL, I'M SORRY, BUT YOU'RE TAKING A BATH.

[TV GUNSHOTS]

BITSY, STOP IT! BITSY!

PUT ME DOWN!

BITSY, NO! NO! NO!

IN HERE NOW.

BITSY, THAT'S ENOUGH.

YOU'RE GETTING INTO THE BATH.

[SIGHS]

WHAT NOW?

GET OUT OF THE CAR,

WALK UP THE STEPS, RING THE BELL.

THIS IS STUPID.

I DON'T WANT TO MESS THINGS UP.

YOU WON'T.

BELIEVE ME, YOU WON'T.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

I'LL HANG OUT HERE UNTIL YOU GET INSIDE.

GOOD LUCK, MAN.

[MUTTERING]

[THUNDER]

I'M GOING OUT TONIGHT.

YOU WANT TO COME?

SHE'S COLD, MAN.

I'M GOING TO NEED YOUR TOUCH, JACK.

[DOORBELL]

[TV GUNSHOTS]

JACK, I TOLD YOU NOT TO COME OVER.

I SORT OF THOUGHT I'D DROP BY.

YOU'RE ACTING LIKE SUCH A JERK.

I HOPE YOU KNOW IT'S NOT HELPING ANYTHING.

I JUST CAME TO SEE WHAT YOU WERE DOING.

I'M BABYSITTING.

THE KIDS ARE UPSTAIRS TAKING A BATH.

WHY DON'T YOU LET ME COME IN?

JACK, NO.

YOU'RE DRUNK.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU.

JUST A COUPLE OF BEERS.

I SAID NO,

AND YOU CAME OVER ANYWAY?

I GUESS I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

I HAVE TO BABYSIT.

THAT WAS QUICK.

SHUT UP.

WHAT HAPPENED?

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

JUST GET ME HOME.

OH, MAN.

THAT'S NOT PART OF THE GAME.

I GOT AN IDEA.

WHERE YOU GOING?

[CRASH]

WHAT...

DAMN IT. SH*T. GOD...

JUST TRUST ME, O.K.?

JUST STAY LOW, COMMANDO-STYLE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[HONK HONK]

BITSY.

JIMMY, IT'S YOUR TURN TO TAKE A BATH.

I'LL TAKE MY OWN BATH.

[HONK]

JIMMY.

IF YOU DON'T GO TAKE THAT BATH,

I'LL TAKE YOU UP THERE MYSELF.

JUST TRY IT.

THEN SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

ALL RIGHT. YOU ASKED FOR IT.

COME ON.

OW! OW!

JIMMY, COME ON.

OH, THAT'S BOSS.

LOOK AT JUNIOR GO.

JIMMY, I'M SERIOUS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE DOING THIS.

I HOPE NOBODY CAN SEE US.

RELAX. OH, MAN. SERIOUSLY,

YOU SHOULD BE TAKING NOTES.

NOW.

HA HA HA HA!

JACK.

TAKE A BATH NOW.

LIKE STEEL.

DID YOU SEE THAT?

IT WAS SO PRETTY, MAN.

HEY! AAH! AAH!

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE, BOY? HUH?

YOU BETTER GET OUT OF HERE, BOY,

BEFORE I CALL THE COPS, HUH?

HA HA HA HA!

WHAT IS THAT LITTLE THING POKING OUT THERE?

GO ON. GET OUT OF HERE.

GO ON!

GO ON!

BARE-ASSED!

I'LL MAIL YOU YOUR CLOTHES IF YOU'RE LUCKY!

HEH HEH HEY.

HUH?

HEY.

[WHISTLES]

HERE YOU GO.

IT'S O.K.

LOOKS LIKE YOU AND ME,

WE GOT A LITTLE SECRET TO KEEP, HUH?

HMM?

HMM?

UNLESS YOU WANT TO GO HOME

JUST LIKE YOUR BOYFRIEND DID.

NO.

COME HERE.

YEAH.

HEY...

WHAT DO YOU SAY:

WE MAKE IT TWO SECRETS TONIGHT, HUH?

[LAUGHTER]

SOME PARTY, HUH?

OH, YEAH. YOU SAID IT.

I GOT TO GO HOME FOR A MINUTE. I'LL BE BACK.

HARRY.

HARRY, WAIT A SECOND.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING HOME FOR?

I'M DIZZY. MY HEAD'S THROBBING.

I WANT TO GET MY PILLS.

DIZZY IS RIGHT.

WHY DON'T YOU LOOK IN THE BATHROOM

AND SEE IF THEY HAVE SOME ASPIRIN?

YOU'RE TOO DRUNK TO DRIVE HOME, HARRY.

[SIGHS]

HEY, YOU. THIS YOUR CAR?

YOU DON'T LEAVE A CAR

WITH THE WHEELS HALFWAY IN THE ROAD.

THAT'S HOW ACCIDENTS HAPPEN.

I'M SORRY, OFFICER. I WASN'T THINKING.

WELL, NEXT TIME, THINK.

I'LL LET YOU GO NOW...

GREAT. RAIN.

GIVE ME A SWIG OF THIS STUFF.

THERE YOU GO, MAN.

A LITTLE SUPER UNLEADED.

GOOD STUFF, HUH?

[CRYING]

SHH.

OH.

OH. OH.

OH.

IT'S O.K.

SHH.

IT'S BETTER THAN STAYING HOME ALONE, HUH?

IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW, YOU...

YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT AND, UH...

GO GET IT.

YOU LOSE, BUDDY.

THAT'S TOO BAD.

GET INTO BED. THERE YOU GO.

DID YOU HAVE FUN TONIGHT?

YEAH.

YOU REALLY BEAT ME UP.

YOU MUST BE WORN OUT.

SLEEP WELL.

O.K.

GOOD NIGHT.

NIGHT-LIGHT.

RIGHT HERE? TURN IT ON.

O.K.

ALL RIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.

THE REMINGTON MICROSCREEN SHAVES

AS CLOSE AS A BLADE, OR YOUR MONEY BACK.

HOLD IT. THE REMINGTON MICROSCREEN

IS MORE THAN CLOSENESS. LISTEN.

[WRR]

THAT POWERFUL MOTOR

MAKES REMINGTON A QUICK SHAVE,

AND ITS TWO...

AAH! SH*T!

THE REMINGTON MICROSCREEN--

QUICK, COMFORTABLE.

SHAVES AS CLOSE AS A BLADE,

OR YOUR MONEY BACK.

ATTABOY.

THAT'S REMINGTON.

HEY. HERE SHE COMES.

HERE SHE COMES.

SH*T. SHE'S SEEN US. SHH.

SHE CAN'T SEE US. THERE'S LIGHTS ON INSIDE.

WHY IS SHE WEARING A BATHROBE?

YOU HEAR THAT?

WHAT?

SOUNDS LIKE RUNNING WATER.

RUNNING WATER?

RUNNING WATER.

SHE'S TAKING A BATH.

OH, DAMN.

I'M GOING TO TAKE A BATH.

DID YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH?

MM-HMM.

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, YOUR PARENTS WILL BE HOME VERY SOON,

SO GOOD NIGHT, JIMMY.

NIGHT.

SWEET DREAMS.

YOU'RE SO PRECIOUS.

HA. NICE.

CUTE.

UH...ASPIRIN?

I THINK, UH...

I'LL JUST GET IN, O.K.?

YEAH.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

WHO IS IT?

[DOLLY] HARRY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, YEAH, I'M, UH...

FINE. I'M JUST, UH...

JUST LOOKING FOR SOME ASPIRIN.

HONEY, YOU STILL THERE?

YES.

THERE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE ANY ASPIRIN.

REALLY?

YEAH, REALLY.

WELL, SHOULD I ASK BILL?

THEY MUST HAVE SOMETHING STRONG IN THE HOUSE.

YOU WANT ME TO GO ASK SOMEBODY

IF THEY BROUGHT SOMETHING?

NO. THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

YOU JUST STAY PUT,

AND I'LL JUST GO ON HOME

AND GET SOME OF MY PRESCRIPTION.

I'LL BE BACK IN A FLASH.

DON'T WORRY.

HOLD ON. HOLD ON.

HOLD THE LADDER.

[BOARDS CREAK]

SHH. SHH.

WELL...

HI.

I JUST CAME BY TO SEE

IF YOU'RE BEING A GOOD GIRL.

WHY DON'T YOU LEAN OVER?

AS LONG AS I'M HERE,

I MIGHT AS WELL SOAP YOUR BACK, HUH?

SHE'S IN THE TUB ALREADY.

HARRY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HE'S PRACTICING HIS SWING FOR TOMORROW,

BUT IT WON'T DO HIM A DAMN BIT OF GOOD.

HA HA HA HA.

SWAT.

HEY!

HARRY.

HARRY.

HOLE IN ONE.

OH, GOD.

WHY CAN'T YOU EVER BE A HAPPY DRUNK

INSTEAD OF A SOUR DRUNK?

OH, BOY, IT'S GOING TO BE A TOUGH DAY TOMORROW.

YOU'RE PRETTY TOUGH RIGHT NOW.

HEY, I'LL JUST BE A MINUTE, O.K.?

YOU'RE SURE YOU CAN DRIVE?

YEAH, YEAH.

[THUNDER]

OH, YEAH.

OH.

MAYBE I'LL JUST SNEAK IN REAL QUIETLY, YOU KNOW,

AND MAYBE SHE'S IN THE BATHROOM.

"WHOO-OO-OO-OO.

EXCUSE ME, MY DEAR."

HEE HEE HEE HEE.

I DREAM OF JEANNIE

WITH THE LIGHT BROWN HAIR

DREAM OF JEANNIE WITH THE

AW, SH*T.

WHOOP.

GOD DAMN, I DROPPED IT.

I LOST MY SOAP.

AAH! HA HA HA!

COME ON.

HELP ME FIND THE SOAP.

AAH!

WHERE'S THAT SOAP?

DOLLY, HOW COULD YOU LET HARRY DRIVE

IN THE STATE HE'S IN?

TA-DA!

HA HA HA.

I'LL JUST LET HIM SLEEP IT OFF.

HE'S NOT GOING TO SPOIL MY PARTY.

MY MOTHER GOT TO BE TOO MUCH FOR US TO HANDLE.

WE KEPT MY MOTHER HOME FOR A WHILE.

WE DECIDED THERE WERE BETTER HOMES FOR MOM.

AND DAD HAS A NEW GIRLFRIEND.

SHE'S 20 YEARS YOUNGER.

SHE'S YOUNG ENOUGH TO BE HIS DAUGHTER...

OR WHATEVER.

[BLUES SONG PLAYS]

OH, DOLLY, YOU LOOK RAVISHING.

MORE CHAMPAGNE, DOLLY?

STRAIGHT UP.

MMM.

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