The Bachelors Page #4

- I can do a guppy, a guppy.

- Oh guppies are fun.

- Hey.

- When'd you get back?

- A little while ago.

- So, how'd the big date go?

- It went well.

- Well?

Is that a smile I'm seeing?

- She's very nice.

What can I say, maybe these

happy pills are working.

- That'd be good, right?

- Yeah, sure.

How's the running going?

- I'm starting to

kinda like it actually.

Just wish I was a

little better but...

- Maybe that's something

we can work on.

- We, like me and you?

- Yeah like, doctor Rollins

said I should starts exercising.

Maybe we could run together.

- Yeah, yeah, if you want.

- Okay, now what

about this fight?

- Yeah, no, I know Dad,

it's just,

God this guy he's such a, he's a

what's that thing

Mom used to call

someone she like

really couldn't stand?

- Dingus.

- A dingus, Dad.

This guy I mean he's so much

worse than a dingus it's crazy.

- Okay, but

that doesn't make it

a smart thing to do.

- I know, yeah, it's

just it was stupid.

Okay.

Hey Dad, do you mind if kind

of throw some advice your way

if you're gonna

start dating women?

You gotta lose

those tighty whiteys.

- Why?

- Well because it's

practically a universal law

that no man has ever

looked good in man panties.

- I'm not sure I

agree with that.

- Well it's just the thing is

it's not really an opinion.

It's kind of a fact.

It's like you can't like

disagree with it, you know.

- I don't know.

- Don't start, don't start with

that Dad please stop, okay.

Dad I'm begging you

stop that immediately.

- It's too late it's started,

once it's started--

- Yeah yeah ,alright,

that's my cue.

Alright, night.

See you tomorrow.

- Pleasant dreams.

- You always run this fast?

- This is not fast.

- Okay, what about breaks?

You take breaks?

- Nope, no breaks.

- This is just not gonna work.

- You okay?

- Yeah yeah, go ahead.

- You sure?

- Go go go, enjoy.

- Alright.

- Oh, good Lord.

Hey hey, how do you like this?

Come on, Usain Bolt,

let's pick up the pace.

- Dad you're on a bike, okay.

- Yeah, I'm also

way older than you.

What the heck?

Are you trying to ditch me?

Come on, pick it up.

Pick it up, pick it up.

- Hey jackass.

Starting a fight

to defend my honor.

Like you're some doofus knight

from medieval fantasy land.

- He's a dick.

- Your a dumb ass who's lucky

to still have all his teeth.

- Where are you going?

- You'll see.

- What is it?

- Find out.

- Are you serious?

- I'm trying to reduce

your dork factor.

Do you have any idea

how ridiculous you look

driving around without

a passenger seat?

- This is awesome.

I mean,

where'd you even find it?

- Some creepy old

man on Craiglist.

You totally owe me.

- Yeah I do.

Thank you.

- Awkward.

- I was gonna hug you.

- You're allowed.

- Sh*t.

- Watch your language.

- Why? You say

sh*t all the time?

- Shut up.

- Wes what's taking so long?

- The holes don't line up.

Down this road

Towards the light ahead

that leads us straight into

- Are you sure this

isn't driver's seat?

- No.

Full speed ahead just

like you always said

Turn the page

Welcome to the golden age

Go live your life

For the rest of

us who can't keep up

And got left behind

Say it loud say it long

Say it for

everyone who told you

Never sing this song

Welcome to the golden age

Go live your life

For the rest of

us who can't keep up

And got left behind

- I'll slice and

dice you, you vile little orc.

- Why do they call

it litter patrol

if they never pick up litter?

- It's more about being

prepared to pick it up.

- That's litter.

- Well he likes to give

it a head start first.

- Fine, I'll do it.

- Thanks for coming.

It's a lot less boring.

- You mean you don't

enjoy homoerotic

jousting with your buddies?

- You know, I'm just not quite

as good at it as they are.

- I seriously doubt that.

- So Mr. Abernac, he's having

a birthday dinner for may dad.

And I figured you

know after all the

amazing help that I've

given you in French

that maybe you could come.

- Oh my God, did

you just invite me

to a calculus teacher's

birthday party?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I did.

- I don't know, Wes, I mean,

I'm a big girl and all but

that just sounds batshit crazy.

You know math teachers you

get them drunk and then

next thing you know

they're playing

spin the compass and

hide the protractor.

- The girl is mine.

- Nay, all young

wenches belong to me.

- So is that a yes or?

- A yes I suppose,

if you can promise me

I'll live through it.

- Everything was

delicious, Missy.

- Yes, very

good thank you.

- I'm glad, everyone deserves

a good dinner for

their birthday.

- Speaking of, one more.

- Ah.

- Wes, I just gave

the man bookends.

Why in the world would you

try to compete with that?

- Ah.

- Those are hot.

- They are.

- Wes is trying to

convert me to boxers.

- Bill please tell me you're

not still wearing grippers.

- I guess I am.

Thank you, Son.

- Your welcome, Father.

- Well done, Wes.

Now if you could just do

something about the belt.

- No no no, don't lose the belt.

- Are you kidding?

It looks like my calculus

teacher downs three shots

of vodka before he gets

dressed every morning.

- Well it's actually gin, Paul.

- Excuse me, but a man

without quirks is boring.

- She's right.

Everyone's entitled to a

few little weirdnesses.

- Like father, like son.

- Excuse me, weirdnesses?

- Hello, backward car seat.

- Hello, you're the one

who gave that to me.

- Okay, pretending

to be a pirate.

- Okay that, that wasn't me.

- Whatever, effeminate

French accent.

- There's a lesson here, Wes.

If you expose your

vulnerabilities

to a woman, you

will be eviscerated.

They are a ruthless

cold blooded gender.

- Okay it has nothing to do with

the temperature

of our blood okay.

Men are just afraid

of strong women.

They think because

we stand up to them

that means we don't

like them when

half the time it means

it the exact opposite.

- You know, Bill, for

such a mild mannered guy

you sure attract

some feisty women.

I remember being with Jeanie

one night at some bar.

And this giant lecherous redneck

would just not leave us alone.

And finally she said you're

bound to have better luck

at the Natural History Museum.

There's a few gals in there at

the neanderthal

exhibit who would think

you're the greatest

thing that walks upright

and talks at the same time.

- She did have a way with words.

Thank you for the ride.

- Thanks for inviting me.

Your wife sounds like

a very special person.

I cannot think how big

a hole must be left

after losing someone like that.

- Thank you for saying that.

I actually bought

you some flowers

but then I forget

I left them inside.

- Is that some kind of sneaky

way to invite me to come in?

- No, no, I--

No, but, would you

like to come in?

- You know

I cannot believe

you said I like

pretending to be a pirate.

- Please, if I wasn't there you

totally would have

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