The Bachelors Page #3

- I promised I wouldn't.

- Yeah?

- Dinner time.

- I'm not hungry.

- You are

hungry and you're eating.

I'm not raising an anorexic.

- She said you are

hungry, you're eating,

and she's not

raising an anorexic.

- Yeah I heard her.

Mom Wes is here.

- So, he

eats doesn't he?

- Well this should

be interesting.

- Sorry for the complete

absence of flavor, Wes.

It was Lacy's

fathers turn to cook.

- Lacy, why don't you

tell your mother that

paying the mortgage,

credit cards, tuition,

every other bill that

comes in to this house,

it doesn't leave me much time

to cultivate my culinary skills.

- Why don't you

tell her yourself?

- So Wes, are your

parents still together?

- Barbara and Davis are

getting a divorce but

on the advice of council

neither is willing to move out.

- My mom passed away last year.

- I'm sorry to hear that, Wes.

- I'm sorry too.

The difference is

I actually mean it.

- Tell me about the belt.

- That's a Jeanie thing.

She used to tease me because

my belt would kind of

drift over that way

as the day went on.

Said I should just

start out the day

with it where it

was gonna end up.

So one day I just

started out with it there

and made her laugh.

She said it was

only fitting because

I was a little off

center to begin with.

- She had a good sense of humor.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

So I find that grieving spouses

usually fall into

one of two groups.

One describes

their loved one as

someone who filled

a void in them.

The other describes

them as someone who

added a dimension to the

person they already were.

Which would you say

best describes you?

- It's both.

- Which would you say you favor?

- All of the above.

- Okay, fair enough.

I'm just looking for

something to help us move on.

- From what?

- From your wife, Bill.

The only way you're

going to feel better

is if we figure out someway

for you to let her go.

You recognize that don't you?

- Yes.

- Okay.

As for the Lexapro finding

the right medication

can sometimes be a trial

and error process so

I'm gonna switch you

something called Cymbalta

see if that works

better for you.

- Fine.

- Bill?

- Hello.

- What a coincidence.

Back home I'm used to

running into people

but here it always

gives me a surprise.

- Next.

- Excuse me.

Hi Palet, P-A-L-E-T.

- $10.

- Bill I'm sorry to

bother you like this but

I have a favor to ask.

You know Coach Keith,

big muscles small brain.

- Extra large coffee mug.

- Yes,

ridiculous that mug.

- More of a jug really.

- I think you could

actually bathe a cat in it.

Anyways he asked

me out for Friday

and I'm desperate for

a reason to say no

but I'm afraid I'm

running out of excuses.

- Oh so you want me

to be your excuse?

- Would you mind terribly?

- No that's, sure that's fine.

- Unless you're busy of course.

- No I'm not busy ever.

I generally eat in the evenings.

We could eat together.

- Yes we can eat together,

that sounds very nice.

- Great okay, I'll

see you tomorrow.

- Yes see you tomorrow.

- Alright number four.

- I have no idea

how to say that.

Do I have to say it like that?

- Like what?

- Like I'm an

effeminate French man

who's in love with himself?

- Oh that, yeah yeah, you do.

You have to say it like

you're an effeminate

French man who's in

love with himself.

- Then I've got the perfect

homework partner don't I?

- You okay?

- I'm fine.

- Why do you do that?

- Do what?

- Your arm.

- 'Cause I'm happy,

well adjusted,

and really excited

about my future.

Of course I'm a

little upset that

I didn't make

cheerleader this year but

there's always next

year and I feel like

if I work really really hard

it could definitely

happen for me.

- So you're telling me

nothing has happened at all.

- Nope.

- You do realize what

a fail this is right?

Not to mention how personally

disappointing this is for me.

You've been with this

girl for over 10 hours.

That's more time than Goober's

spent with a girl

his entire life.

- Hey Palet, tops on

your strategy man.

- What strategy?

- You know, start off

with the psycho whore

and work you way up from there.

Yeah I just hope you're

banging her by now.

Trust me it doesn't take half

the work you're putting in.

- That's the other thing

I hate about evolution.

Why does the dominant male

always have to be a dick?

What does persistence

dickishness

have to do with

furthering the species?

- Hey Mason.

- Break it

up, break it up.

Get off, break it up,

come on break it up.

That's it, that's it,

that's it, break it off.

- Easy easy, boys.

- What the hell's

the matter with you guys?

So which one of you Nobel

Lureates started this?

- That depends, sir ,do you

mean verbally or physically?

- Shut up Raffi!

I don't really care

who started this.

I already talked

to the other three.

And if there is so much

as glancing contact

between any of you knuckleheads

both parties will be expelled.

Is that clear?

- Yes, sir.

- Yes, sir.

- Expelled, as in gee why

didn't I get in to college?

Oh right, I got expelled.

Now I can spend the

rest of my sad life

selling mangos from the

side of the freeway.

In the meantime welcome

to disciplinary probation.

You'll also be serving weekend

detention on litter patrol.

Everybody happy?

- Yes, sir.

- Goober.

- Well sir, according

to the honor code

we're supposed to be

honest at all times.

But if I told you I

was happy I'd be lying.

I'm very happy.

- Be gone.

- The truth is I

always imagined that

I would be fantastically

good at marriage.

- You weren't?

- Well it began pretty good and

we found out I could

not have children and

it wasn't so good after

that so I became a teacher.

If you can't be a mother

to one be a mother to many.

How long were you married?

- 33 years.

- Practically a lifetime.

- Well I guess so but

never felt that way.

- What an amazing thing

to be able to say.

We're talking about

the food, but you know.

- Okay so I obviously

didn't understand

more than two words of

that but this is a little--

- Awkward.

I mean I love the

French but one thing

that drives me crazy is how

they babble on endlessly

as if anyone around who

doesn't speak French

is simply a piece of furniture.

- Well I do have

more in common with

a La-Z-boy chair

than I like to admit.

- I am that way too.

I mean give me a nice cozy

chair and a good book.

And you'll need a tow

truck to get me to move.

- So I guess we

have that in common.

General unwillingness to move

unless absolutely necessary.

- Sometimes I look

at those little fish

you know stuck to the side of

the aquarium, you know the...

And I'm like maybe it's

not such a bad life.

- Really, a sucker

fish, not a bad life?

- No, I mean, okay of

course it's bound

to become a little monotonous,

but think about it.

How stressful can it be?

- Well that is

definitely a valid point.

- I mean you have only one job.

Do you like it?

- Yes excellent, very good.

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