The Back-up Plan Page #5

Like, maybe l can

be a stay-at-home mom.

Maybe I can.

I'll love being barefoot and pregnant.

He can teach me how to make

cheese. We can live off the land.

Zoe, this group

is called Single Mothers and Proud.

I know.

I know, I know. I'm sorry.

I wasn't planning to meet anybody.

It just happened.

And now that l've thrown all my plans

out the window...

...and really fallen for this guy...

...l'm just afraid

that he might not stay.

What should l do?

I don't know.

This is wildly outside

my field of expertise.

Yeah, because we're

a single-mothers group.

So we don't tend to give advice on

how to get your boyfriend to commit.

Not usually.

Maybe you should join

a different group.

-Ding-dong.

-No.

Okay. We are gonna have to

take a vote on this, Zoe...

...because I think we,

collectively, feel...

...that you are in a very...

...wildly different place

than where we are.

So we are going to take a vote.

Okay.

Taxi!

Hi.

How did you find me?

I called the store.

Said it was an emergency.

What is it?

You're crazy.

I don't expect you to stay.

I don't expect you to expect me

to stay.

What if I want to stay?

Well, then l'd be surprised.

And happy.

-l can't promise anything.

-Neither can l.

Okay.

Okay, fine. Give me the hot dog.

Perry and Hudson.

-Feel free to run every red light.

-You got it.

-Here we go.

-Here we go.

This sucks!

Nothing fits me!

Please, just let me wear sweats.

Honey, you can't wear sweats.

This is important.

-l'll get that.

-Wait, let me suck it in.

Have you got a jacket or something?

-Got you. l got you. Are you all right?

-Yes.

I can't.

Oh, watch it.

-l'm gonna throw up.

-What?

-Good to see you.

-How are you?

Stan. Oh, you are a prince.

Thanks for coming.

Sea urchins?

Excuse me.

-Hi.

-Hi.

I split my dress. And l didn't

want to go. How about that?

What is that thing?

Oh, Mona gave it to me.

It's supposed to help me sleep.

Okay.

-Hold on.

-Okay.

Zoe?

It's been two weeks now...

...and all she ever wants to do

is sleep with that pillow.

The pillow is a b*tch.

Totally replacing you?

-Completely. She drags it everywhere.

-My wife, she drew eyes on hers.

I make a move in the middle

of the night...

-...the pillow is staring at me.

-Yeah.

-Like, "Bro, l don't think so."

-We used to have sex all the time.

Every day. Now I can't touch her.

I can barely go near her.

She's pregnant. You can't win.

-The only one who wins is the pillow!

-The pillow!

-Screw that pillow, man.

-You might have to. l did once.

We're gonna be fine.

Gonna get through this.

Everything's gonna be fine.

In a year's time, this is just gonna be

a funny memory, right?

That's right. Before you know it,

the kids will be in school...

...and you'll long for the days when

a pillow was your biggest problem.

Must be hard

when they first go off to school.

Little school shoes,

little backpacks.

No, saying goodbye

to the kid is easy.

Saying goodbye to 20 grand,

now, that's hard.

What are you talking about?

What's 20 grand?

And you have twins.

Double-whammy.

That's a whole lot of Parmesan.

Parmesan.

Oh, my God.

All right, this one says,

"most natural nipple."

That looks nothing like my nipples,

Nana.

This one says, "BPA free."

-What's BPA?

-l don't know.

So how do you know

you don't want it?

It's Bisphenol A,

and you do not want it.

If you're gonna use a bottle,

which we do not advocate...

-...because breast is best...

-Better.

...use a glass bottle.

-How are you, honey?

-l'm good.

We missed you at the meetings.

Okay, yes.

I never heard back after the vote,

so l just assumed that l was out.

Oh, no, it was unanimous.

Didn't anyone call you?

No?

-Okay.

-Okay.

Well, this is my Nana,

and this is Arthur, her fianc.

-Hello.

-Nice to meet you.

-How do you do?

-When are you getting married?

She's kept me waiting for 22 years,

so l'm not holding my breath.

Zoe, can l put you on

the phone tree?

I kind of want the whole group there

when it happens.

Thanks. That means a lot.

Okay. Well, happy shopping.

And check out the strollers on

aisle six, because they're awesome.

-Did you not call her?

-Okay.

-l don't know.

-Okay.

Stan!

-Lookie!

-Zoe?

-Hey.

-What is that?

It's a Twin X Deluxe, the Rolls-Royce

of strollers. Isn't it awesome?

It's big.

Supposed to fit through

most doorways.

I don't think so.

Just let me get it sideways.

-Keep trying.

-lt's gotta have a thing here.

Hang on.

Oh, sh*t!

-Are you okay?

-lt bit me.

What the hell is going on here?

An outfit to bring the babies home in

from the hospital.

How many babies are you having?

I just got two of everything.

Look, baby Village People.

How much money did you spend?

Where are we gonna put all this?

-Don't worry. It'll be okay.

-l don't see how that's possible.

Haven't even had the babies

and everything's changed.

You know what? There's the door.

If you want to go, you can go.

Stop it. l hate it when you do that.

I know. I'm sorry.

Let me see.

Sorry.

Have you gotten to page 279 yet?

No, I stopped reading

when you tore out one of my pages...

...and used it as a napkin.

Well, it says here that women

in their third trimester...

...experience

hormonal mood swings...

...and their partners just have to be

extra understanding about it.

Are you coming on to me right now?

It's kind of hard to tell.

-What?

-You have chicken in your hair.

-l do?

-Right there, yeah.

Did I get it?

You know what, honey?

I'm sorry, but not tonight, okay?

Okay?

Okay.

-Sorry.

-That's okay.

Hey, babe.

Hey. You want some breakfast?

No, thank you.

It's still nighttime. Are you okay?

Yeah, l'm good. l'm good. Do you

know how much preschool is?

Twenty grand. For circle time.

What about college? I think colleges

run about 50 grand right now.

But that's right now, so in 1 8 years,

it'll be double that, at least.

And we have twins,

so double it again.

So, what's that,

like 200 grand a year?

We haven't even bought books

or clothes or sh*t.

They're probably gonna need

cars at school.

You know I'm gonna be a pushover

and buy them whatever they want.

So, what's that,

like half a million a year?

I don't have half a million a year.

I'm in night school.

Just something I was thinking about.

It's no big deal.

Why don't you come back

to bed, honey?

-Okay.

-Okay.

-Did l wake you up?

-No.

We're gonna be okay.

I have money saved.

It's not just about the money.

I'll figure out a way

to make enough money.

What is it, then?

It's just--

I need to know.

Are you still in there?

I'm still here.

Excuse me. Can I help you?

What do you think?

It's a bit overwhelming, huh?

There are so many,

and they're so big.

Well, they have to be big.

Two babies, right?

Yeah, but babies are small.

These are for,

like, giant mutant babies.

You should see some of the babies

that come in here. Total fat-asses.

By the way,

my boyfriend and l do custom work.

We can solve this.

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