The Best Man Page #7

payments like your broke ass.

I ain't too old to

whip your butt, boy.

Did I ever tell you

about Vietnam?

I'm gonna go eat, man.

I don't blame you.

Get your grub on, man.

Uncle Skeeter.

Oh, yo, you! What was that

you wanted to tell me, man?

Oh, nothing.

Just congratulations.

Thanks.

I love you, man.

Look here, man.

I don't want you talking,

looking...

Nothing with the women.

So, are you gonna

come over after

all that lap dancing

and drinking and stuff?

Sorry.

Urn...

Yeah, I'm gonna call you

when I get back to my crib.

Harper! Look, don't have me

waiting all night, okay?

Because this is our night, and I feel it.

And I know you feel it, too.

Jordan, girl, come on.

I'm coming.

And I hope you wore

those boxers I like.

You have no idea

the amount of ignorant mess

we're about

to get into right now.

Lead the way, dawg.

He got the key.

Don't you?

That's right, yeah.

Good.

You don't care how I feel.

Of course I care.

Are you going to this

juvenile bachelor party?

Of course I am.

And it's not juvenile.

Come on. You know your "boys from

the hood" would fit right in.

Shelby, you really need to stop

talking about my kids like that.

You really need to stay

with me tonight, Julian.

There's some unresolved

issues between us,

and I think

we should tackle them now

rather than give

them time to fester.

I'm not gonna do that, Shelby.

What am I

supposed to do, Julian?

While you're out

doing God knows what

with some low-class

hoochie mamas?

That's not really my problem.

Oh.

It's not your problem?

All right, fine. Go.

Go to your stupid,

little boys only,

bachelor,

"rauncherama" shindig.

I don't care. Just go.

Go!

All right.

Fine.

See you in the morning.

Murch! Murch! Murch!

Let's get our freak on!

Gentlemen.

Welcome to paradise. Have fun.

Come here, dawg.

I gotta give you something.

Damn. What a view.

What's up, man?

In all the madness,

I almost forgot.

Best man's gotta carry the

rings and the vows. Right?

Check that out, dawg.

5K platinum.

It's nice, man.

Gold is played.

Put that away for me.

Yeah.

All right, dawg, let's

get our drink on. Cool.

I gotta go

drain the main vein.

Cool. Hurry up, all right?

Catch up with you.

Let's get our drink on!

You're being irrational.

I know it's loud.

There's not one

hoochie mama...

No, Shelby, there's not!

Shelby, don't hang up again.

What are you doing?

I'm in this...

Just drink.

Hit me one more time.

So you about to do your

thing tonight? Man.

Go ahead on,

be a dog, dawg.

To that fat-ass

contract I just got.

And that phat-ass

bride-to-be I got!

Money and phat-asses,

all right!

Whoa!

I like you.

It's on like popcorn!

We've got some high-paid

n*ggers up in here tonight.

Let me be your cowboy, girl!

Let's get the party started.

Oh, wait, this my seat?

All this for me?

Oh, it's all for you.

They all zestily clean

so get ready to do something

fresh and exciting.

Is this

the unlucky man?

The one

they call L-Boogie?

That would be me, ladies.

Yup, that's him.

Murch! Wake up, Murch.

You're missing a good show.

Whoa, whoa, whoo.

Ass soft

as drugstore cotton.

Motherf***er going

ape for that sh*t.

Oh!

You like this, Harp?

Yeah!

Damn! I found this girl working

in the post office licking stamps.

Come here, girl.

That's my girl!

Whoo! Damn.

So little time, so much ass!

Chomp that

chocolate ass, Lance.

They're really nice, but I have

someone I want you to meet.

That is my best man,

Mr. Harper Stewart.

Right here. WOMAN 1: Mr. Harper,

are you ready for this?

Oh!

Bite that ass.

Who's next?

Oh, yeah, baby!

He's mine, girl.

Get that money, girl.

Ah!

The party's not over!

We got more for you.

Fandango, that's me,

and Sweet Cheeks are about to bring

you something luscious and sugary.

So allow me to introduce

the flavor we call Candy!

Whoo!

Okay, she's with it.

It's like candy

I can feel it when you walk

Even when you talk

It takes over me

You're so dandy

I wanna know

can you feel it, too

Watch out now, Wayne.

Oh, man!

Good thing boy's got his shirt

pulled out of his pants right now.

Oh, my God.

Go get him, Candy!

Don't be scared, Murch!

Calm down!

Bite it, Murch!

Come on, daddy.

Pump Candy.

Don't be afraid, Murch! Let it go, Murch!

What's up, dawg?

Yo, Murch, we got Shelby

on the phone for you.

Do you love me?

Oh, yeah, daddy.

Candy loves you.

Shelby who?

Go get him, girl.

Man!

Oh, man. I'm jealous.

But what about

your boy, Murch?

Grabbed the old girl like a

5-year-old grabs his mama.

Yeah. He overdid it tonight.

Why don't you order up some

coffee and make him drink it?

I got your back, man.

All right, man.

Candy, come on, girl! It's time

to go get our eat on at IHOP.

I'm coming! Hold on.

Would you hurry up? Damn!

I told you about

hiring those college girls.

What? I told you

to shut up, didn't I?

Sit your ass in the back... Girl,

I'll bite it, as hungry as I am.

I don't mean to bother you.

I really don't.

I just thought we had a

connection back there, is all.

Look, baby, it just Kind of

goes with the job, you know.

Provide the fantasy.

That's the business.

But I keep my personal life

very separate.

Oh, right. You have to.

You have to. Uh...

Please forgive me. Your show was great.

Thank you.

"'Cause if you didn't define

yourself for yourself

"you'd be crunched into other

people's fantasies of you

"and eaten alive."

What did you say?

It's just a quote I use

to inspire my students.

Audre Lorde.

I know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Me?

No.

You just don't go to sleep.

Yeah,

I'm gonna wake your ass up.

All right, I'm coming.

Peace.

"Kacey had cried a river

"on Jackson's shoulder

that night.

"Not only were the rumored

exploits of The Ebony Humper

"becoming too commonplace

for her to handle,

"but she'd also had her fill

of false paternity suits

"and the groupies'

crank phone calls.

"Sure,

Brian meant the world to her,

"but she wasn't gonna

play the fool any longer.

She wanted revenge.

"The sweetest payback

for his random indiscretions

"would be a personal one

of her own.

"But how could

Jackson be a part of that?

"What did he have

to gain from that

"other than the guilt

of betraying

"the brotherhood that

he shared with Brian?

"But he was responsible

for bringing them together

"and thus accountable

for her misery.

"Nevertheless,

Jackson resisted temptation

"and ignored the

desire screaming within."

L? I'm about to be out.

Oh, L.

L, I'm about

to blow her back out!

She don't even know.

She does not know. God.

Where's that book?

"Kacey just wanted to be held,

"and Jackson had to oblige her.

So they cuddled,

"and though this boundary probably

shouldn't have been crossed,

"their bond was made

stronger that night.

"He was there for her,

and she was comforted.

"As she slept in his arms,

beautiful and angelic,

"Jackson sealed

the innocent evening

"with a kiss

to her frontal lobe."

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