The Best Thief in the World Page #3

and you have no idea!

I... i swear.

Drama, drama, drama,

sue.

Always thinking of yourself.

It makes me sick.

What about your kids?

And you think i want to be here

listening to this abuse?

You think your kids

want to get shot,

never seeing

grass or trees?

I'll go...

if i'm not wanted,

though.

You just say the word.

Yo, what the hell

are you doing?

You scared or something?

Yo, man. You better come down.

That sh*t's stupid.

You scared.

No, i ain't scared.

Come down, stupid ass.

You gonna hurt yourself.

It's a test.

I never fall.

That's all right.

I'll show you anyway. Come on.

Here we are.

Yeah? So?

You look like

a scared little p*ssy.

Yo, man, f*** you.

I can see you're about to do

some stupid sh*t

from, like, a mile away.

I just don't want

to get punished.

F*** you.

F*** you!

Sh*t.

All right, but you gotta

promise to stay cool.

I can't have you

freaking out on me.

Whatever, man.

Think you're so bad.

Quit acting like

you so bad.

Watch out.

How do you know

nobody's in there?

Just take my hand.

Nothing to it.

[Glass clattering]

Come on, then.

[Discordant notes play]

Yo, you know these people?

Nope. I just busted in here

a while ago.

Check this out.

Man:
Hola. Como estas?

You've reached

heather and carlos.

We're out of town

for a couple of weeks.

You can leave a message

if you want.

Otherwise, call again.

Much love. Peace.

[Answering machine beeps]

Hey, yo,

check this out.

Mail,

only four days old.

Hmm. So,

what should we do, man?

Want to get some

pay-per-view pornos?

Hold up. Try to imagine

the most disturbing thing

that can happen

when you first came home?

How about you come home,

all the sh*t from the bedroom

is in your living room,

and all the living room sh*t

is in the bedroom.

And the bed is all neat and

sh*t, and nothing's missing.

I like it.

[Chuckles]

That's some f***ed-up sh*t,

though.

They be like,

[high-pitched voice]

"Oh, carlos, oh carlos!

"Please! Help me!

Help me!

"Oh! Oh! Protect me,

carlos! Please!

I'll blow you."

[Normal voice]

"Little seorita, calm down.

"Don't be all

troubled or alarmed

"in any fashion

whatsoever.

Me llamo carlos,

hispanic latin protector."

Is that the best imitation

you can do?

Yeah, buddy.

I got 50 bucks. Why don't

we get 'em some flowers?

For what?

I don't know.

It'll be some f***ed-up sh*t.

Come home, your bedroom's

in your living room,

and someone got you

some pretty flowers.

All right.

Let me go.

I don't want to stay here

by myself.

Let's go together.

All right.

This is how it's

supposed to be...

two friends around

a sacred campfire.

Once we've done this,

we're friends forever.

First of all...

this ain't no motherfucking

campfire, all right?

Second of all...

whenever i get the feeling

that you're becoming cool

or whatever,

you say some fruitcake sh*t

that blows it.

F*** you.

F*** you.

I mean...

so she came all the way

from michigan

and then turned around

and went right back?

She's a freak.

Wow.

I should probably

tell the school soon

if i'm not gonna

do it, right?

I just haven't been able

to bring myself...

i just have no idea what

i'm gonna do about money.

Well...

maybe you... should

go back to michigan.

Oh, come on, sue.

You're a grown woman.

What's the worst

that they could do to you?

Come on, who cares

if they're a bunch of fascists?

I know, but michigan

is like going to mars.

I hated it so much

it doesn't even feel

like hate, you know?

Well, you do

what you gotta do.

Did you hear

that marshall got promoted

to president

of that carpenter's union?

No, that's great.

Maybe now he'll

actually keep a job.

Have you heard

from the bastard at all?

No.

People are busy.

You know how it is.

That's bull crap, sue.

It pisses me off.

They don't call.

They don't stop by.

I mean,

what are they thinking?

Sh*t happens, though.

I'll tell you that much.

I'd like to see them

coming around here

begging for a friend when

something bad happens to them.

I'm sorry, sue,

but these were paul's friends...

these righteous people.

And then leaving the woman

to clean up the mess

just as usual.

Screaming all over

your apartment

about workers and solidarity

and sticking together,

and you don't see

hide nor hair

of any of them pansy-ass

white men

the minute times get tough.

It's no different with them

bastard black men, either.

You hear

from marv lately?

Well...

he sent me $100.

A couple weeks back.

I'll give it to you.

[Laughs]

Mm-hmm.

You know, robbie won't

even call him "dad."

Mmm.

He claims he doesn't

even have a father.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, i don't...

i don't even know

what to tell the poor kid,

'cause i hate

the bastard, too.

That doesn't

seem right, ruth.

Yes, i know.

It doesn't.

You're such a b*tch!

Thank you.

Oh, man.

Mom, what are you doing?

Checking your father's

blood pressure, honey.

Is he getting better?

I don't know.

You getting better,

paul?

Paul:

Yes... mother.

How are you doing?

Me?

Little old me?

I don't know,

honey.

Okay, i guess.

I don't know what i'm gonna do

at the end of the summer

when i'm supposed to

go back to work.

We probably

need money, huh?

Yeah...

money.

You don't hate me,

do you, mom?

[Telephone rings]

Amy:

Mom, should i get it?

Thanks, honey.

I don't hate you,

you stupid, little sh*t.

I love you

more than life itself.

You know that.

You're

my shining star.

Paul:

Mother?

Oh, sorry,

paul.

Don't be so hard

on yourself, honey.

We'll figure it out.

1, 2, 3, go!

[Rapping] oom chucka willy

by the coke in the grove

he was a mean motherf***er

you could tell

by his clothes

he hung 100 women

on the wall

then he swore to the bible

he could f*** them all

when he got to 99,

he had to stop

if he f***ed one more

his balls would pop

so on his grave

in red and green

it said that oom chucka willy

was a f***ing machine

dice:

Let's get ready.

Edwin:

Subway guns, baby.

That's right,

baby.

Yo, don't forget

to take these.

These go

on your face.

Just pass them around.

Izak:
Yo, let me

get one of those.

Yo, you ever dropped

a light bulb before?

It sound like a gunshot,

don't it?

But in the subway,

the echo make it sound

even more

like a gunshot.

You gotta

sell that sh*t.

They think it's the youth

gone wild or some sh*t.

They throw sh*t at you,

faint, scream, whatever.

Yo, we need

more bullets, though.

Yeah!

Yeah, baby.

Hey!

That's right,

man.

Y'all ready?

Yeah, baby.

A woman.

Hey.

You made a mistake.

Scared?

Hey!

Get away from me!

What are you doing?

Give me

your f***ing purse!

[Kids screaming]

Edwin:
Hold up, hold up,

hold up, hold up.

Izzy, boy!

Motherf***er was like

three feet tall...

word!

No pubic hair, and his voice

ain't even changed.

He's like "aah!"

All crazy, screaming and sh*t.

Dice:
Not like

this smart guy over here.

Yo, man,

that's true enough,

but i ain't got it

like this kid here, man.

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