The Big Kahuna Page #7

Okay. Tell him we'll be around the hotel

all morning tomorrow.

He can reach us here

or at the numbers on these cards.

All right, here.

Ask him...

Ask him to please get a hold

of either Larry or me...

because we would like

to speak to him very briefly...

about business.

-Just business.

-Explain to him we know that he's very busy.

It won't take up much time, but there are

a few things that we need to discuss.

Now, do you have that,

Bob?

-Yeah. I'll try.

-All you have to do... Listen to me.

All you have to do is

give him the cards and leave.

-What if he wants to talk?

-Well, then you talk as long as he wants.

Forty days and forty nights,

if you have to, until he tires of it.

-Then you come back here and

tell us what happened. -You'll wait up?

Till the next fiscal quarter.

Beyond that, I can't make any guarantees.

Don't worry about it.

You're gonna do fine.

Yeah, you'll do fine, Bob. I'm sorry

for doubting you. Of course you'll do fine.

If you follow those instructions to the letter,

you'll do great. You understand?

-Yes.

-Okay, good. Now go. Time's a-wasting.

-I'll see you guys later.

-Okay. And hurry.

But not too fast, because you'll work up

a sweat and he won't want to come near you.

Okay.

Do I, uh...

Do I strike you as a particularly

religious man, Phil?

Not in the slightest.

Then why am I seized

with a sudden, overwhelming desire...

to pray?

I should let it dry,

but I'm a little impatient.

I wonder if he found him.

He found him.

What makes you so sure?

If he hadn't have,

he would've been back by now.

Not necessarily.

-It'll be all right.

-Yeah.

Phil, can I ask you something

seriously?

Yeah.

Are you on some kind of medication

I should know about?

What makes you think

I'm taking medication?

Because I've never seen you

this relaxed before.

I almost get the impression

that you just frankly don't give a sh*t.

I don't.

No, I know that. We all don't give

a sh*t to a certain extent.

What I'm saying is,

it's like you don't care.

I'm tired, Larry.

Well, I recognize that.

It's been a very long day.

That's not what I mean.

I get what you're driving at,

and I sympathize. I do.

We all know you've been

going through a lot lately, Phil.

For a long time I've been meaning to state

outright, if you need anything at all,

you don't hesitate to call,

day or night.

I would've said something sooner, but

I thought maybe it was understood.

I assumed as much.

Well, you were right, too,

and I hope you know I mean it.

I've been thinkin' about

makin' a few changes.

Like what?

I don't know.

Just changes.

Are you sure

that's wise, Phil?

You've had an awful lot of changes

imposed on you in recent days.

Maybe it's time for you to just,

you know, let things settle.

I've been toying

with the idea...

of pursuing

a different line of work.

Something other

than marketing?

Yeah.

Speaking as your friend, Phil, as one

who knows you intimately, as it were,

I think that's a bad idea,

dare I say

an entirely shitty idea.

-Why?

-Because "A," you were born for this.

You have a gift.

I'm not Murdoch.

Well, nobody's Murdoch.

Murdoch doesn't exist.

He's what we pumped him up to be.

"B," I don't exactly relish the idea of

goin' out on the road with somebody new.

-It was gonna happen sooner or later.

-No, it wasn't.

I was always hoping we'd end

in a kind of murder-suicide thing.

I've been thinking

about...

a lot of other

things lately too.

Well, Phil, if something's

bothering you, get it out.

It doesn't do any good

to let things fester.

What exactly

have you been...

thinking so much about?

-Life.

-Life?

And death.

Jesus, not you too?

What is it with everyone...

suddenly thinking

about life and death?

Is there something going on that nobody's

telling me that I should be told about,

like sunspots or something?

Is there a plague coming

to wipe us from the globe?

-Strange things happen.

-No, they don't.

Not unless they're printed

first in USA Today.

Jesus comes again,

He's got to give 'em two days' notice.

Time to work up one

of them little graphs.

I've been thinking

about God lately too.

Wondering.

About God?

Yeah.

What about Him?

I don't know.

Haven't you just

wondered about God, ever?

Yeah. Everybody wonders about God

every now and then.

It's just some of us

don't dwell on it, you know?

I give it a place.

I believe what I believe.

-Which is what?

-How the hell should I know?

When I was a kid,

I had a dream about God.

I dreamt...

I found Him hiding

in a closet...

in the middle

of a burnt-out city.

This city was destroyed

by fire...

or some kind

of explosion.

And... there

in the middle of it...

was a coat closet...

standing there

all by itself.

And I walked up to the closet

and opened the door...

and inside was God,

hiding.

I remember He had a...

a big lion head.

But I knew

it wasn't a lion.

It was God.

And He was afraid.

And... I reached

out my hand...

to lead Him

out of the closet,

and I said,

"Don't be afraid, God.

I'm on Your side."

And we stood there,

the two of us,

holding hands,

looking out over

the destruction.

It was just after sunset.

I don't know why,

but I've always had this...

haunting feeling...

that I had some kind

of mission here on Earth.

A mission?

Yeah.

What kind

of mission?

I have no idea.

Well, I'll tell you

what your mission is.

Your mission is

the same as mine...

to be a... a liaison

between parties.

Things like that

don't bother you, huh?

-What do you mean? Dreams?

-Questions about God.

Well, I figure,

you know...

I'm gonna find out

sooner or later.

My wondering about it

isn't gonna change anything.

In the meantime, why lose sleep?

I get precious little as it is.

But you still wonder,

don't you?

I'm human, Phil.

I know.

We're all very tired, Phil.

It's the nature of the business.

You've been under a lot of stress

lately too.

Is that what it is?

Yeah. You're damn right

that's what it is.

You need a vacation.

-I just had a vacation.

-It didn't do any good, so you need another one.

You know, maybe just

a good, hot date.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

You need what's-her-name,

the blonde.

-Susan.

-Yeah. Susan.

That's exactly what you do.

You call her up,

you tell her you made reservations

in the Dells,

you buy yourself a gross

or two of condoms,

and then the two of you

go at it like hamsters in heat.

You forget about work.

You forget about everything.

You just go on up there

and get your ashes hauled.

Do you love me, Larry?

D-Do I love you?

Yeah.

Well, it depends on what you mean, Phil.

I mean...

If you're asking, am I willing

to have your children, well, then, no,

I probably don't love you.

Why do you ask?

Why do you ask?

It's just a question.

How could I not love you?

You have good hygiene.

You're a snappy dresser.

You don't talk with your mouth full.

What's not to love about that?

Forget it.

What brought that on?

Well, when I was a kid,

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