The Big Sick Page #12

Emily successfully peeled

an orange this morning.

- Dad!

- -Yeah.

It was... it was a Clementine.

Full disclosure, a Clementine.

It's those little ones

that, you know,

a baby monkey could peel it,

but, uh, but she did it.

And-and yeah, so that's all.

We just...

Thank you, everybody.

Hey...

Hi.

I like your cane.

- I heard pimpin' ain't easy.

- Right.

Hey, could we talk for a second?

Sure.

So I've been collecting

some things, uh,

that are important to me,

and I wanted to

show them to you.

I call this my bag of devotion.

Uh, so this is, uh,

all the visitor passes

from when I visited you

when you were in the,

um...

So... these are the tickets

from when your parents came

to see me perform,

and, uh, I... I realized

how great they are,

and how great you are,

and how great honesty is.

What did you do?

Did you cremate someone?

These are the ashes

of all the Pakistani women...

Not the women... the pictures

of the Pakistani women.

I thought this was a good idea,

and it feels kind of...

It feels a little stupid.

I know I was

a terrible boyfriend...

But I have changed.

And I am the person

you need me to be.

I really am.

So...

Will you take me back?

Kumail, I'm really glad

that you...

Went through this experience...

But you have to understand that

that all happened

when I was asleep.

Like, you felt one way

a few weeks ago,

and now you're saying you feel

the total opposite way.

And the only thing

that's changed

is that I was in a coma.

Honestly, I-i...

I look at all of this,

and I just think,

you know, I just can't

do it again.

- And I can't...

- I...

I can't be the reason

that you don't have a family.

It just feels

totally different now.

And I can't do that again.

Do you understand?

- Okay.

- Okay?

- Okay.

Sorry.

Ma.

Dad.

Fatima. Bhai. Kya haal hai?

Oh, there's no plate.

Oh.

Oh, I forgot, um, I've decided

I won't let you

kick me out of the family.

Since I'm a member

of the family,

it would stand to reason

that I would get a vote

in whether or not

I get kicked out,

and that vote would have

to be unanimous...

Standard parliamentary

procedure.

So, all those in favor

of not kicking Kumail

out of the family,

raise your hand.

Great. Motion to kick Kumail

out of the family denied.

So you guys can just talk to me.

Okay, you're giving me

the silent treatment.

I figured that was what

was gonna happen.

I have a solution.

So, "hi, how are you?"

That's just a real basic one.

You know.

"Pass the salt." Practical.

"Always with the comedy."

Mom, made that one

specially for you.

"Kumail, how did you become

so much more handsome

than your brother Naveed?"

Bullshit.

I admit, this one is designed

to stir up some controversy.

"It's interesting

how you can't really

"kick someone out

of your family, because

they will always be

your family."

I agree with that one.

That's a good one.

So, I'm gonna leave these

here for you.

I am sorry I lied

about the girls

and the LSAT and all that.

That was wrong.

And one more thing.

I'm moving to New York

to pursue stand-up,

but I am not leaving

this family.

My parents, um, they want

me to get arranged marriage.

Or, as it's, uh,

called in Pakistan, romance!

And earlier

today, I told them everything.

I told them about my life,

I told them about Emily.

They kicked me

out of the family.

I may never talk to them again.

- So that happened.

- What is it?

- Can I come in?

Okay.

I swear, you and dad are just

like my freshman year roommate,

but instead of just,

like, boning random dudes,

you're just parenting

all the time.

All over the place.

In every room of the house.

Including right next to me.

We got to go.

Home?

- No.

- Yeah.

It's time.

I'm not ready.

Yeah, you know what?

You're strong.

And you are.

And we would go to the mosque

and hear graphic details

of religious people

being killed 1,400 years ago.

I mean like,

Tarantino-esque details,

and everyone would be crying,

like, competing to see

who could cry the hardest.

And I could never cry.

And I was like, what is wrong

with me? Am I broken?

The only time

I've cried that much

is during

the first 15 minutes of up.

This is a picture of me

and my mother.

I'm seven years old.

You know people, they talk

about the, the New York water.

Chicago water

is very underrated, I think.

It's good.

Hey, guys.

I think I might

just pop out for a bit.

What, by yourself?

Yeah, just...

Hop around the block.

Maybe get some frozen yogurt.

You okay? Can you do it?

Can you walk by yourself?

- Yeah, dad.

- All right.

- Have fun. -If you feel

a coma coming on, call us.

- Dad, it's too soon.

- Right.

I love you,

I'll see you in the morning.

- Love you.

- Okay. -Bye.

Love you. Bye.

Have fun.

- I will.

Got your phone?

- Yep.

- But you liked it, huh?

- Yeah.

I mean...

Yeah.

I mean...

Hey.

Hi.

- What are you doing here?

- Uh...

I was in the neighborhood,

and I saw

that you were gonna

be here, so...

I, I thought I'd come say hi.

You look great.

How's your blood oxygen level?

Oh, well within range.

- Nice.

Um, this is my brother, Naveed.

- Hi. Hi.

- Hi. I'm Emily.

I've heard lots about you.

- It's so good to finally meet you.

- Yeah.

There's actually

something I wanted to, uh,

tell you.

Okay, well, I'm gonna just...

- Good-bye.

- Bye.

See you, bhai.

Are you warm enough?

Yeah, yeah.

I got my two pairs of socks on.

Do you mind?

No.

I'm glad

we're going home tomorrow.

Me, too.

See? I should've

brushed my teeth.

I like it.

When something

like this happens,

there's this sort of expectation

that you're gonna

have this completely,

like, new lease on life,

and... feel totally different

about everything,

and, like,

Cherish every sunrise,

and, like, for the most part,

I just feel like, ugh,

I can't get up that early.

You know?

I-I'm sorry,

I feel like I've been talking

- about myself so much.

- No...

Are you doing a lot of stand-up?

- Are you...

- Yeah. I, uh...

Bombed my Montreal

comedy festival audition.

Like, horrifically, like...

I saw the video.

Yeah.

- It wasn't great.

- No... no.

I'll be honest with you,

- it wasn't great.

- No.

- I know.

- But there was a lot I liked.

Like a, like a lot I liked.

I'm moving to New York.

Really?

Yeah, um...

Mary and CJ and I are, like...

Just gonna drive out, and we

have a place all ready, and...

When do you leave?

Next weekend.

I, I'm so excited for you.

That is so great.

Like, you are going

to do just...

Do so great in New York.

What were you gonna say?

What?

You said you were gonna

say something to me.

What was it?

Oh, just that I, um,

I wanted to thank you.

Uh, my parents told me

everything that you did for me,

and I feel like

the last time we spoke,

I didn't properly thank you,

so...

Oh.

Yeah.

Totally fine.

I should probably go.

- Do you want to call an Uber?

- No, I'm gonna walk, actually.

So, this has been really great.

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