The Big Sick Page #7

and then we went

to that bookstore

that's hardly ever open,

and I bought it for her.

You're not the only one

who gives her things.

- What's up with you?

- I'm just tired of you thinking

you're the only one

who gives her things.

I-I gave her that book.

Look at the inscription.

No. No, that's stupid.

- Hey, uh, Kumail.

- Hey.

Oh. Hey. Sorry.

Didn't mean to surprise you.

I was just wondering,

are we gonna do anything?

- You got any parlor games?

- I-i don't...

What are parlor games?

Card games. Word games.

Play any word games?

- Um, no, I've never...

- You ever play

you can't rhyme it?

How does that go?

It's... eh, basically, you know,

you try to find out a word...

A real word...

- That nobody can rhyme.

- Okay.

- And then...

- Stonehenge.

Yeah, see, you would win.

- Ah. Hmm.

- Yeah. That'd be a winner.

I don't play board games.

I play, like...

- I play video games.

- That's the thing.

Everybody now needs, like,

you know, a Nintendo.

A game thing. The thing.

Electronics. $1,000.

When I was a kid,

piece of chalk and a pavement,

and that's your entertainment.

Hopscotch. Tic-Tac-toe.

Throw the chalk at Jimmy.

There you go.

Three games right there.

Jimmy was a real guy?

Yeah, well, I mean,

there was no particular Jimmy.

You know, whoever got hit

with the chalk...

- he was the Jimmy.

Uh...

I'm just trying

- to figure out, you know,

what to do. -Yeah.

I-I... tonight's no good for me.

I'd love to, but, um...

I'm actually, uh...

I'm actually gigging tonight,

which is, like,

an industry word we use

for when we do,

like, shows and stuff, so...

- Really?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a big Montreal comedy

festival audition coming up,

- I'm actually headlining

tonight, so, yeah. -Oh, wow.

And, um...

- I should... I should...

- Hey.

- Run on out. -Wow, that's cool.

I haven't been to a comedy club

since... oh, boy.

Since the '80s, right?

Rita Rudner over at Caroline's.

Remember that, hon?

Christ. I...

A pleural effusion of the...

Empyema.

Maybe we should go, huh?

Maybe we should go to Kumail's

show. What do you think?

- Wouldn't that be fun?

- Oh, my god!

- These pictures are horrible.

- Okay, listen,

why don't we go

to the comedy club with him?

And this... it'll take our mind

- off of things right now.

- I don't want

- to take my mind off it, Terry.

- What...

Our daughter's having surgery

tomorrow.

Please.

- That's a fair point.

- Please, please listen.

I need the distraction.

- Well, then, why don't you go.

- No.

I want you to come with me.

I don't want to go alone.

Okay.

But I'm bringing my iPad.

Ah, it's sold out.

I should have said it

before you guys

had the whole discussion.

It sold out, like,

super quickly.

They were shocked

at how quickly it sold out.

Like...

You can get us in.

You're the headliner, right?

That's what you said.

I mean, if you're the headliner,

you can get two more in, right?

- That's a good point.

- Yeah.

We'll sit in the back, right?

We'll sit in the back.

They have food there?

Yeah, they've got waffle fries

and, um...

Yeah.

- The hospital had

the waffle fries, too. -Right.

I... I actually have never been

to Pakistan.

For grad school,

and then they just stayed here.

My parents moved here

I've never even been to Canada.

- So, um, when is Kumail coming?

- He's coming.

Right, Naveed?

- Ah. Huh.

- Traffic.

I heard there's, uh,

bumper-to-bumper traffic

on the Dan Ryan expressway.

- That's weird, because...

- You know, rush hour.

I took the Dan Ryan expressway

here.

What is your dad's sister's

favorite kind of music

to dance to?

- Emily's parents are here.

- Aunts, aunts, aunts, aunts.

- Tonight? Why?

- Get it? 'Cause it's "aunt."

It's "aunts." It's "aunts."

- All right, forget it.

- All right. -

uh, is anybody here

from out of town?

All right, a few, a few.

Wh-what's your name, sir?

- M... uh, Terry. -Terry.

And, uh, who's this lovely lady

- next to you?

- Oh, my god. That's Emily's dad.

Is that cloth?

Little Terry cloth?

It's Beth.

Beth. That's pretty close.

- Why would he do this?

- Terry Beth,

- We're from north Carolina.

- Ooh.

Where you guys from?

North Carolina.

- Stop. Stop it. -Oh.

- Home of Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

Tar heel state.

What brings you to Chicago?

Our daughter's in a coma.

Yeah, uh, how...

What, uh, where are you from?

Okay, it's getting late.

- I should go.

- No, no, no.

- Betho, Betho. He will be here.

- Hold on, hold on.

I think I should call him up.

I'll just call him up.

Hello? Kum-beta?

What do you mean, who's calling?

This is your father.

Okay, okay, okay.

He will be here any moment.

Naveed. I just faked that call.

Did you call him?

A hundred times. No response.

I-I think I should

make something clear. Um...

I can understand what you're saying.

I thought you said you'd never been

to Pakistan.

I said I'd never been there

but we speak it at home.

For someone who's never been to Pakistan

you speak Urdu very well.

Thanks.

Do you want to sing?

I want to name my kid void

so he won't be able to cash

any of his paychecks.

"I'm sorry, sir,

this says void on it."

"But that's my name.

Curse you, father!"

I work on the second floor

of the bank

- in this fantasy scenario.

- Go back to Isis.

Toast is a really strange food.

- What-what did you just say?

- You put bread

- and you make it...

- It was nothing.

- Come on.

- I said

he should go back to Isis.

- Toast is the only food...

- No, I mean,

that is a really confusing

position.

I mean, do you want

Isis to have more people?

- No, I was saying that...

- Guess what, everybody,

we got an Isis recruiter here.

All right, glad

we got to the bottom of that.

Toast is like a...

What is it about him

that made you say that?

- I think we know what the answer

is. I don't... -Lady, I wasn't

- talking to you.

- What is it about him? -We don't

have to go down this path. We

know what's at the end of it...

'Cause of how he looks.

- There it is.

- That is like saying

that all frat boys

wearing country club hats

and Hawaiian shirts

have shriveled up,

tiny, little d*cks.

Okay, actually...

Actually, Beth,

this is a bad way for you

to find out, but he's right.

I actually am a terrorist.

I just do stand-up comedy

on the side

to keep a low profile.

F*** you.

Ac... first of all, very clever.

What? Did you...

Did you write that at home?

Toast...

- Is a very strange...

- F*** you.

- F*** you.

- No, f*** you.

You're a b*tch, you know that?

- F*** you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, no, no, no, no. No. Listen.

F***ing kill you!

What's

your f***ing phone number?

Sorry, everybody.

- Sorry.

I... I'm not sorry, actually,

'cause you're a...

A terrible person.

I don't want to kick your ass

here in front of everybody.

Yeah, that's right.

I got levels, motherf***er.

Okay?

This elevator goes all the way

f***ing down,

you f***ing prick!

I think I'll make tea.

Rate this script:4.0 / 1 vote