The Big Sick Page #8

Actually, I'll open

a bottle of wine.

Actually, um,

does Emily have whiskey?

On top of the fridge.

So, uh,

cubs doing good, huh?

I don't know anything

about baseball.

No? Hmm.

I'm so sorry about that.

That was...

I just sort of lost control.

- I thought it was sexy.

- Me, too.

Not like sexy,

but like cool sexy,

not like aroused sexy.

I'm gonna not say "sexy"

anymore.

Hey,

you guys want to get something

to eat?

I know you guys got a formula.

You know, I've been

to a couple shows now.

- So is it always like that?

- Oh, like tonight?

- Yeah. -No, usually a different

mom comes in to help me.

I'm joking. No, it's...

It's not always like that.

I'd quit if it was.

- Here's a joke. No.

- No. Terry, don't.

Terry's about as funny

as a fart at a funeral.

No. This is

funny. This is a funny one.

- Okay. -All right.

A giraffe walks into a bar,

and he says to the bartender,

"highballs on me."

You get it, right?

- Oh, that was the end of the joke?

- Yeah, of course it was.

- That was the whole joke?

- That's the joke.

That's the beauty of it. Boom.

- I thought there was more.

- But you get it?

He's giraffe, he's tall,

so it would stand to reason,

his testicles... are high.

- Yeah.

- And a highball is a drink.

And you ruined it by saying

I wasn't funny first.

- That's what it was.

- No. No. -

no, it's good. I like my jokes,

like, thoroughly explained.

You're just busting...

You're bustin' my highballs.

- Yeah.

Hmm. Mm-hmm.

Complex finish,

flamboyant mouth-feel.

Good. How about you?

- My turn?

- Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Fruit forward.

- Good term, absolutely. Fruit forward.

- Yeah. No.

- I'm impressed. -This one...

It's in the front seat.

- It's driving the wine car.

- Exactly.

- It is. -I like wine

'cause of the... buzz.

Mm. She's a bit

of a lightweight... Beth.

- So is Terry.

- Come on.

He'll be passed out on the sofa

- in less than an hour.

- Aah.

That's nonsense.

You know that's not true.

- You weren't supposed to be on

the show tonight, were you? -Oh.

Me, on the show tonight? Yeah,

I was. I was the headliner.

I lied about the show to get out

of hanging out with you guys.

And then I lied about headlining

to impress you guys.

Well, that didn't work.

Also, I think I screwed up

with your daughter.

Yeah.

You did.

I don't know how people do it

when their family's sick.

My uncle Lew...

He got cancer.

Then he had a stroke,

then a heart attack.

Then he had a recurrence

of the cancer.

But you know what killed him?

- Cancer?

- Car accident.

We think maybe

it was a heart attack

while he was driving, and he did

still have cancer, too.

And you know what?

He ate sprouts

his whole f***ing life.

Hadn't had a yolk in 30 years.

I don't know how

I'm going to sleep tonight.

You want to stress eat?

F***, yeah.

Oh, my god.

I know.

"Most noticeable."

Oh, now, now, hold on, hold on.

There's more. Look.

The legendary cemetery...

Photo shoot.

Oh. Oh... my god.

Nah!

- Oh! Wow!

Oh. I laughed so hard

when I saw these,

she got so... so mad at me.

You're gonna wake him up.

Ah, are you kidding?

He could sleep though anything.

- Hey, Terry!

- Shh!

How did you and Terry meet?

I was, um, going

to east Carolina university.

And I was, um, waiting tables,

and, you know,

we met at this coffee shop.

I was waiting on him, you know,

and I liked his hair.

He was a teacher already,

you know.

Thick New York accent,

like... like nobody

I'd ever met, you know.

Totally wrong for me.

So, naturally, we fell in love.

My family could not stand him.

We're all military people.

Army pilots.

All my brothers played football.

Terry couldn't even

change a tire.

My father got so mad at me,

he broke every dinner plate

we had.

Now back then, um,

you-you go to the gas station,

you fill up your tank,

you get a dinner plate.

- Oh. -But just one at a time,

like cup, saucer.

It took a year of fill-ups

to get the whole set back.

And Terry...

Terry just stuck around.

Eventually...

They all just got over it.

- They just got over it?

- Mm-hmm.

- How?

- Lots of f***ed-up dinners.

How'd your parents meet, Kumail?

So we have arranged marriage,

as you know,

and a big group got together

to go see a movie,

but really it was just a set-up

so my mom and my dad could meet.

What movie did they see?

I have no idea.

I never asked.

She's great, you know?

- Yeah.

I know.

I feel good about the surgery.

Yeah. Me, too. These doctors

know what they're doing.

No, they don't.

They're just winging it

like everybody else.

Oh.

F***.

Hey, it's me.

So, um, I tried making

some Pakistani food,

uh, to surprise you,

and either I'm a bad cook,

or all

Pakistani food is terrible.

I don't know yet. Bye!

Hey, it me. Um, if you just want

to come over

and, like, kiss me

for two seconds,

I'd really love that tonight.

Okay. Bye.

Hey, it's me.

So, uh, did you want to meet

at the gallery?

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! A bird just

hit me in the head!

Oh, my god, I'm not kidding!

I'll call you right back.

Oh, my god, is it okay?

The infection

around the lungs

has been removed.

We should be able

to pull her out soon.

- Uh.

- Oh, boy! Whew.

Oh. Well, how soon?

She should be up by tomorrow

morning at the latest.

- Oh, wow. -We'll also test

the pleural fluid

from the thoracentesis

to create a more targeted

antibiotic strategy.

So this is good news?

It's very good news.

- Yeah.

- We'll just hold onto her

for a few more days,

and then, you can have her back.

- She's a fighter, right?

- Yes.

I was so worried.

We saw on the news

that a train derailed,

and we thought

that you were on the train,

and you had died.

Nobody died on that train, ma.

But did they look

under the train?

So where were you last night?

What were you doing?

Nothing.

I wasn't doing anything.

- Kumail?

- All right, I'll tell you.

- Tell.

- I was...

I was studying for the LSAT.

Really?

- Yup.

I signed up, and if I pass,

I'm going to go to law school

and become a lawyer...

And do law.

- Hmm.

Oh, let me see

who that could be.

- Really, dad?

- What?

You said that nobody was going

to come, it was just...

- Gonna be just us.

- Kumail, do you know this guy?

People say Sam! People say Sam!

- Do you know him? -Yeah, I know him.

- He should be

- on Saturday night live. -Snl.

- People don't say "Sam."

- They say "salaam."

- Everybody, you

remember Khadija?

She just dropped in.

She was just

in the neighborhood.

And these are her parents,

Rahan and Tina.

They also just dropped in.

- Salaam alaikum.

- Alaikum salaam.

So then she came to America.

She had three kids.

Actually, she left two kids back

in Pakistan when she came...

I've just been on

so many of these appointments,

- and I just never have anything

in common with the guys. -Yeah.

You know, when girls at work

complain to me about dating,

I just...

I want to body-slam them.

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