The Big Wedding Page #5

That's enough!

l'm gonna check on the soup.

l wanted to tell you

that your house is the most

amazing place that l have ever seen.

You built it yourselves, yes?

We did, actually.

Tell her the story.

Yeah, it's really romantic.

lt is. lt is romantic.

lt's fine. Tell her. Tell the story.

Don and l, we were living

in the city separately.

She wouldn't shack up with me

because we weren't in matrimony.

So Don's latest exhibition

had sold out completely.

Third in a row.

lt did well. Awash in humility. As always.

One of the many things she loves about me.

That's our Donny. Yes.

Can we please just skip

to the happy ending?

So Don and l,

we decided we'd take a drive to the country,

and we came to this open field. Remember?

We parked there, we went for a walk.

And it was so wonderful.

lt was sunset.

Do you remember that, Don? Sweet.

And we came across this gorgeous pond.

And he proposed to me

as the sun kind of went down.

l was... l was sneaking out here on Saturday

while she was

spending time with her folks, and...

Yeah, but l knew what you were up to.

Believe me, l knew what he was up to.

- Oh, you?

- l did.

You didn't have a clue.

- What are you talking about?

- You were clueless.

He spent three months searching

the entire New England countryside

for the most beautiful spot,

and when he found it,

he took her back there.

And then when he proposed...

He planted...

And then they built a house over the years

under the shade of the tree,

and added on to it

every time Don sold another sculpture,

until, well...

You are very lucky to find a man like that.

Oh, yes, of course.

l'm just... l'm terribly lucky.

Thank you. Thank you.

Yvette?

Will you please excuse me, just for...

Jared!

May l please speak with you?

Yeah, sure.

You know what? l got...

Give me, like, one sec.

l got, like, a terrible leg cramp.

Nuria, dear. Please. Yes.

Please. May l take you to the restroom,

please, the ladies' room?

Where we can wash your beautiful hands.

Well,

here's to a wonderful dinner.

And a really

neat wedding.

- Okay.

- lndeed.

Cheers.

Madonna,

how is your bisque?

For Pete's sake.

Oh, my God.

So, the thing to remember

is that men are like pumpkins,

the good ones are either taken

or they've had everything scraped

out of their heads with a spoon.

l'm melting! Oh, my God!

- My face!

- What's happened?

What's happening in here?

Well, Nuria and l have become

very close friends.

Yes. She was just explaining to me.

Really?

Wish l had been adopted.

Can we please just elope now?

Seems like the lesser of two evils

at this point.

Really? Because l'm pretty sure

Vegas is just back that way.

l'm pretty sure

that you wouldn't survive the trip.

- What the hell is going on with your family?

- Why?

My kingdom, my kingdom,

my kingdom for a steakhouse.

What a bust that was.

What are you grinning at?

lt's just women's lib.

You know something, l'm cold.

Are you sure that heat's all the way up?

Well, yeah. We'll take a steam

when we get back to the house.

Wait a minute,

you have a steam in the guest room?

Nope. The master bedroom.

Whatever you say.

You have no new messages in your mailbox.

Ridiculous. lt's like l ceased to exist.

What's that, Lyla?

No texts, no calls. Nothing.

l know, right?

No offense, Lyla, but honestly.

Really, you did leave him.

Yeah, he doesn't have to

make it so easy for me.

You think he'll show up at the wedding?

He does, l'll tell him to f*** the f*** off.

- Language.

- Lyla.

He said terrible things to me.

- Punch him in the nose?

- Of course not.

Because that would be unladylike.

What are you looking at me for?

You miss him.

A little.

That's what l thought.

Look, just give him a call.

l can't.

So, l was thinking

we could maybe go to my room,

listen to some music, or you know...

Whatever.

No, thank you.

But you may read me some poetry,

if you wish.

Poetry?

Yes.

Are you serious?

Yes. Your mother was very informative.

l deserve to be treated with respect.

Don't we all.

Say it louder.

- l'm an idiot.

- A what?

l'm a galactic idiot.

My idiocracy knows no bounds.

You won't tell a tiny white lie to a priest

that you'll never see again,

but make a complete farce of our wedding?

- l know.

- That's no problem?

l know.

l feel so bad for Bebe.

You know how many months

she and my mom have been planning this.

l know. l know. l'm an idiot.

l did talk with Father Moinighan, though.

For reals?

l promised that little

Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John

would grow up ravenous

for the sweet baby Jesus.

Did you?

May have had crossies when l said it.

Thank you.

You really truly love me.

l do.

Yeah, you do.

And you'll fix all the other stuff?

What's it worth to you?

You honestly think...

lt's too bad l'm saving myself for marriage.

l'll see you tomorrow.

l'm busy tomorrow.

All l hear is, "Blah, blah, blah."

So, you know, call her again.

l tried, but she had

the front desk lock me out.

Tell me again how this is my fault.

Don.

...in a year. Many of these children...

Now, where'd you dig that up?

Oh, my God, l can't believe how tiny he was.

Yeah.

Sometimes l wonder

if we did the right thing.

Ellie, for two people

who did a lot of things wrong,

adopting Al wasn't one of them.

Yeah, he's the kindest of us all.

Yeah.

We didn't do that many things

that were wrong, did we?

Everybody's happy now.

- Well...

- Right?

Yeah, right.

Kids are great.

You're having nine-hour orgasms.

No, no, no, just... Yeah, well, give or take.

- l'm intrigued.

- Yeah, l'm stunned.

- Prove it.

- You wish.

- For old time's sake.

- Oh, my God. Okay.

You know what,

l think the coast must be clear by now.

Good to see you, Ell.

l think you said that already.

What the hell?

What are you doing?

Shoot. You're gonna wake Madonna,

for God's sake.

l have been reading sonnets. Out loud.

Well, that's very romantic.

So romantic for you, dear. What?

l am 29 years old, and l've finally, l mean, l...

What?

l can't believe l'm getting cock-blocked

by my own mother.

l merely told her that there are certain things

that women should expect from a man

before she just jumps into bed with him.

All right?

Yeah, l know.

Don't you think it's kind of hard to...

What?

Send her flowers every day for a year

when she goes back to Colombia

on Monday.

So sorry.

Oh, my goodness.

Well, anyway, good night, sweetheart.

Sweet dreams, of course.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

You suck.

Noches again.

Back so soon?

Oh, yeah.

The temptation was more than l could stand.

- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah.

Now you're talking.

Be gentle.

Or don't.

Good night.

- Good night? Says you.

- Yup.

Oh, please. Come on, you didn't really think

that we'd go through with this, did you?

No one ever died from dabbling.

Just our marriage.

- Fair point.

- Yeah.

But, you know,

l couldn't stand being ignored.

l ignored you?

You didn't need a soothsayer to know that

you were terrified of being alone with me.

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