The Bigfoot Project Page #7

---

And afterwards I went home

and she wasn't there,

but I waited for her.

I waited for her every day.

I even heard whispers

of knocks on the door

until one day it was real.

And I ran down

as fast as I could,

and I opened it,

and there she was.

And then she told me

she was sick.

Oh, my god.

And that she wanted

to get married.

- I knew at that point.

- "Forrest Gump"!

Wait, what?

Yeah, that's "Forrest Gump,"

none of that is true.

What?

- Really, moose?

- No, don't judge me.

- Oh, my god.

- I'm going to sleep.

Really moose?

That's so funny.

I think that's a great idea.

I think we should go to bed.

I think it's a good idea

if you just stop talking.

All right?

It's ridiculous.

Jamie,

You shot me in the buttocks,

lieutenant Jamie.

I see what we did.

I might not be a smart man,

but I know a box of chocolates

when I see...

No, that's not even close.

That's not a quote of dialogue

from that movie.

Guys! Guys, wake up!

Oh, this better be good, Steve.

- What?

- Ow!

Listen. He moans.

What moans?

Oh, sh*t, that's him.

- Oh, wow.

- Oh, give me a break.

- You don't hear that, moose?

- No.

- You getting that?

- Oh, yeah,

he's howling all right.

So, Bigfoot's the only thing

that howls in this forest.

Moose, that is the howl,

of the very beast

we're looking for.

Mickey, stop pointing

that thing in my face

every time you hear a noise.

- I'm sorry!

- Shh.

This is stupid.

Shh.

What are you, librarians?

- That is definitely him.

There's absolutely

no way that could be Bigfoot.

I'm Bigfoot.

- Oh, oh, come on!

- That's him!

- That's Bigfoot!

- That's ridiculous.

I'm getting out of here!

- Please, no, Steve.

- Let me out of here.

I wish to see him

with my own eyes!

- No, it's not safe.

- We've come this far!

- It's ridiculous.

- I can't leave!

- Get off of me.

- Shut up.

Unless something

unzips this tent,

y'all better not wake me up.

Good night.

He can't get in here,

Steve, can he?

Yeah, probably, if he wants

to get in, he can get in.

Mickey, it's very,

very unlikely, okay?

Yeah, it's probably unlikely,

just listen to Jamie.

Just in case, Jamie, can I sleep

- in your sleeping bag?

- No.

- Okay.

- Wow.

Oh, that was exciting.

How can you guys

get back to sleep?

I'm gonna leave this camera on

just in case it catches

any more audio.

Shh.

Stop it, Mickey!

Sorry, I get restless

hands syndrome.

I left all my medicine at home.

- Jamie.

- Jamie.

He's here.

I know he's here.

Stalking us.

Taunting us.

Toying with us.

The very hairs on the back of

my neck are always at attention

because I know at any given

second he can show himself.

I have to be ready.

I've been waiting

for this life-changing moment

- for as long as I can remember.

Oh, what was that?

Show yourself!

I'm here!

I'm ready!

Show yourself, you monster!

You beast!

Oh, oh! Jamie!

- Hi, Steve!

- Hi.

What are you doing

out here on your own?

- You know the rules?

- Of course I know the rules.

I made them up.

I was just trying for a

stealth-like approach, that's all.

Oh, any luck?

Luck has nothing

to do with it, Jamie.

Luck is chance.

A wish or a hope

based on some imminent

sense of defeat.

That's not what this is.

This is fate.

We are here for a reason.

Destiny.

We are destined to be here.

To find him.

Luck is a maybe, and we are

definitely going to find him.

Do you understand?

Uh, yes?

Good.

Come on! Let's go rally

the troops.

- Are we rolling?

- Yup, why?

- What are you gonna do?

- I'm gonna do what Steve does.

Talk and stuff.

Numbers, equations, facts.

Why would you do that?

You're bad at it.

Oh, yeah?

How's this for bad?

We're at latitude 10-6 Harvard.

It is cloudy, fog.

Footprint taste... muddy.

All right, all I'm saying,

and you're proving it right now,

is that you're really

bad at this.

Okay, all I'm saying is you don't have

to say how you feel all the time,

'cause it hurts peoples'

feelings sometimes.

- What are you guys doing?

- Oh, man.

Mickey thinks

he found a footprint.

I did find it.

Steve, you can see it.

- Really?

- Yeah.

What do you think?

- Good work, Mickey.

- That could be anything.

A footprint this large

could only belong to one thing.

- A large man.

- -You really think so, Steve?

- It must be.

- Hey, I have one question.

- Why is there only one footprint?

- What do you mean?

Well, every time someone finds a

big footprint, there's only one,

I mean, is there some sort

of one-legged gimp gorilla

- hopping around somewhere? -Yeah,

that's a good question, Steve.

Is there a one-legged gimp

gorilla just hopping around?

Don't you see, Mickey?

Don't you all see

what he's doing?

Hopscotch?

- He's playing with us. -Oh, my

gosh, give me my money now.

There's a very good reason very

few people ever get a glimpse.

A Bigfoot gets big

because he's never caught.

He knows we're on the hunt.

And... he knows

we know he's close.

He wails, he moans.

I know he's here, but where?

Goddamn it, where?

The very scent of his mangy hair

will forever lie

in the nostrils I call my own.

The very moan he taunts me with

will haunt me for an eternity.

- I must find him, I must.

- Hey, Steve?

You better check yourself

before you wreck yourself, man.

I should go get measurements.

Hey, Steve, how do you come up

with those speeches, man?

What speeches?

- Hey, Mickey!

- Hey, Jamie.

- Hey.

- Hey, you want one?

- No, thanks.

- Not too mushy.

No, thanks. Hey, you

ever read "Moby dick"?

What is that? No.

- You know? "Moby dick"?

- What is that?

- Captain Ahab. -Sounds like

some sort of a gay comic book?

- The adventures of captain dick.

- What? No, Mickey.

- The white whale? -Are you

making this up right now?

Oh, my god.

Never mind.

But, Jamie, we can

read it together.

Hey!

Yeah?

Hey, you want me to grab it?

Moose, I really need

to talk to you.

Oh, yeah, you wanna go

in the tent and get a little bit

- more comfortable? -Jesus, I'm

surrounded by idiots and a**holes.

Ooh, that would be a good

band name, right?

Here to the stage,

idiots and a**holes

look, I need to talk to you

about Steve.

Hey, Jamie, if you ever

wanna go to a concert,

we can go to the old OG,

the olive garden,

get a little meal,

have a little bit of wine,

maybe have a midnight kiss.

I'm not sure. I don't know

what's gonna happen after that.

That sounds like a great plan.

Oh, my god.

Enough! Enough!

All right?

I'm so sick of you guys

trying to bang me or whatever.

- It's bang.

- Jesus.

It's like you've never

seen a girl before.

- None as pretty as you.

- Well, you know what?

I have news for you, all right?

I'm gay.

- What?

- Yeah.

- Really?

- I'm gay.

- I'm a lesbian.

- Wait, you're a gay lesbian.

Oh, so that cross cancels,

so you're actually straight.

- Game on. -No, I don't...

i don't like guys.

Okay? You get it?

But you tickle some guys.

You know what? I really wanna

punch you in the face right now.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes