The Boondock Saints Page #4

They both put an ear to the phone.

CONNOR:

All right, we're both here.

Mom pauses and cackles endlessly once again.

MOM:

(finally)

It's only 11:
00 here boys so I got

lot's more drinkin' ta do with your

worthless relatives down at the Anvil.

MURPHY:

Just called ta torture us did ya?

CONNOR:

How's Uncle Sibeal?

MOM:

Well, you know how it is with him.

Always complainin' he's never turnin'

a profit on St. Patty's. Whole damn

family goes down there with no money,

cause we know he can't bear ta charge

us.

They all laugh.

MOM:

But he's been havin' himself a nip

or two as well... Been up the

waitress' skirt all night, poor girl.

MURPHY:

Well you tell him ta take it easy

with that. He's gotta learn ta respect

women the way Connor does.

CONNOR:

Oh, Jesus.

MURPHY:

I gave him his first lesson in

sensitivity toward the fairer sex

just today.

CONNOR:

Don't even do it, ya bastard.

MURPHY:

(laughs)

He got beat up by a girl.

CONNOR:

If that was a girl I want ta see

some papers. She had ta be just

preoperative for Christ sakes.

MOM:

(dogmatically)

Lord's name.

BOTH:

(genuflecting,

impassionate)

Mother Mary, full of grace.

MOM:

What did you do, Connor?

CONNOR:

Well, we tried ta make friends and

she gave me a shot ta the nuts.

MOM:

(aghast)

What... the dirty b*tch! I hope ya

trounced her a good one!

CONNOR:

Well, I didn't but...

MURPHY:

(shaking his fist)

Don't worry, I respected the hell

out of her for ya, Ma.

Mom laughs.

MOM:

Well listen, I know how my boys take

ta scrappin' when they take ta

drinkin'.

BOTH:

(semi-condescending)

Yes mother.

MOM:

(light-hearted anger)

I mean it now. I carried the two of

you little bastards around in my

belly at the same time you ungrateful

pissants. Ya ruined my girlish figure

in one fell swoop, and then ya sucked

me dry.

(grabbing her breast)

My tits are saggin' down ta my ankles.

I trip over em for Christ sakes, now

ya listen ta me, NO FIGHTEN!

The boys laugh.

MOM:

Promise me boys.

MURPHY:

We promise.

CONNOR:

Yeah, we promise.

MOM:

Well, there's my boys.

(pulls back curtain,

looks out window)

Sh*t. I gotta go. Looks like I caused

a ruckus with that shot. Half the

damn neighborhood is comin'.

MURPHY:

All right, love ya ma. Listen, before

ya go just give us the goods, eh?

CONNOR:

Yeah. It's been twenty-seven years.

MOM:

Still bickerin' over that, huh?

CONNOR:

Come on, ma. Out with it. Who came

out first?

MOM:

All right, I suppose you have the

right ta know.

The boys stand shoulder to shoulder, naked. They peer into

the distance, ears to the phone, awaiting this most important

information.

MOM:

Are ya ready?

BOTH:

Aye.

Slight pause as mom slams a shot of Hennessey.

MOM:

(yells)

The one with the biggest cock!

Mom slams down the phone and lets out a throaty laugh. The

boys sign angrily. Connor walks over and hangs up the phone.

CONNOR:

Crazy woman.

When he turns, he notices Murphy is fixated on his brothers

crotch. A triumphant smile spreads across his face.

CONNOR:

Don't start. I've had ice on mine.

EXT. AN ALLEY MORNING

PAUL SMECKER, F.B.I. agent, is lead by the Boston Chief of

Police through a jungle of ravenous reporters, police lines

and uniformed officers. He is impeccably dressed in a deep

red suit. He is smiling, confident as he walks. He is a very

good-looking, slender man.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes