The Boondock Saints Page #5

He looks intently, for a moment, at four uniformed officers.

They approach two dead bodies, laying next to a dented green

dumpster with half the paint job scraped off.

One man, IVAN CHECKOV, lays on his stomach, closer to the

dumpster than the other. The ass of his pants has been burnt

out and a large cotton bandage is in its place.

The other, VLADDY, has a blood soaked bandage around his

head and is on his stomach as well. There are hundreds of

pieces of porcelain of various sizes everywhere. Three plain-

clothed homicide detectives, DUFFY, DOLLY and GREENLY hover

close to the bodies. Dolly and Duffy listen to GREENLY, an

obvious rookie, give his over-confident theory of what took

place.

The chief is about to interrupt them, but Smecker holds him

back with a smile. The two wait and watch in a position,

where the unsuspecting detectives have their backs to them.

GREENLY:

(thick Boston accent)

...so these guys are just kickin'

the sh*t out of each other. This guy

(points to Vladdy)

Picks up an old kitchen sink that

some one threw out and crushes this

guy

(Checkov)

With it. All right, so it makes a

big bang and alerts their friend,

who's standin' look out around the

corner. So he comes over and gets

into it with this guy,

(Vladdy)

He's angry at him, right? They get

into an altercation in which the

look out guy crushes this guy by

jumpin on him. And look at the damage

here.

(Vladdy)

I mean this guy's f***in' hamburger

man. His spine is crushed. He's all

twisted and sh*t. That guy had to be

one big mother f***er. Huge, 3-400

pounds, f***in huge.

Smecker listens.

The Chief is embarrassed.

GREELY:

Or, okay. Check this out. Say these

two don't even know the huge guy.

They're just staggerin' home from a

bar this morning, still all f***ed

up from St. Patty's last night. So

they figure they'll take a short cut

down the alley and this big mother

f***er, he's just waitin'. And what

could be more perfect for strong arm

robbery? Two drunk guys all bandaged

up. They're already injured for Christ

sakes. He takes a blunt object and

whacks the guy with the bandage on

his head, right? Cause he's smart.

He knows the guy with the bandage on

his ass, he ain't going nowhere.

Matter of fact, this guy's probably

helping his friend with the rectal

problem along. They're limping around

like a couple of decrepit old broads.

So once this guy's out of the picture

(denotes Vladdy)

this poor a**hole, he tries to run.

But look how far he gets fore the

huge bastard catches up with him.

Only a few yards. And what does he

do? He gets creative. He picks up a

sink and crushes the poor mother-

f***er. Then, he ain't done yet. He

comes over here, jumps on this guy's

back and crushes him to death.

(Vladdy)

He steals their sh*t and beats it!

Thanks for comin' out!

(beat)

And look at this print...

Greenly points out a large foot print on Vladdy's back.

Some detectives nod in agreement. Smecker chuckles as he

shakes his head.

GREENLY:

That's one big f***in' shoe!... and

think about it. Of all the ways to

kill a guy, crushin' him to death.

That's very particular. You don't

get many of those. I dunno. I feel

something big here. I wouldn't be

surprised if we see more of these

turning up.

SMECKER:

(stepping into the

open)

Brilliant. So now we got a Huge guy

theory and Serial crusher theory.

Top f***ing notch.

(to Greenly)

What's your name?

GREENLY:

Detective Greenly. Who the f*** are

you?

Smecker saunters up to Greely and pulls his I.D. out of the

breast pocket of his sport coat and lets it hang. The large,

light blue letters, F.B.I. can be easily seen.

SMECKER:

That's who the f*** I am.

All the detectives seem disgruntled and look to the Chief

for an explanation.

CHIEF:

Listen, I gotta go by the numbers on

this one. I.D. just came back on

these guys. They've got connections

to the Russian mob. That makes it a

federal matter and Agent Smecker,

here, is heading up the investigation

with our full cooperation.

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