The Brass Bottle Page #4

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B, you're crazy,

or C, if I don't leave now,

I'm gonna miss the first race.

See you at dinner.

Mr. Ventimore,

there's a gentleman here

to see you.

- I don't wanna see anyone.

- It's a Mr. Fakrash.

I don't care who--

now, what are you up to?

You need no longer fear

I'll embarrass you.

Since I'm to live

in your century,

I expect to look and speak

as if I belong in it.

Did you notice?

I came in through the door.

You approve?

Perhaps you prefer it in blue?

Or maybe brown?

No. The only hocus-pocus

I want from you

is to get that crazy caravan

out of my garage.

It seems I have no yet found

the way to please you.

As you like.

And while you're at it,

get rid of this junk, too.

Junk?

I have already learned

that in your century,

success is measured by wealth.

Holy Toledo.

You robbed Fort Knox.

I robbed nobody.

I make my own gold.

What a handy hobby.

We can't use it nowadays.

It's against the law

to own gold bullion

in the United States.

Oh, you can keep this one.

Jewels.

Rubies the size of pigeon eggs,

diamonds...

- Forget it, forget it.

Men don't wear jewels

like that nowadays.

- Then sell them.

- I can't.

The police would wanna know

where I got them.

The County Tax Assessor

would figure

I'd been hiding them.

The Customs Department

would figure I smuggled them.

And then

there's the Federal Gift Tax

and the Luxury Tax,

a whole lot of things like that.

In King Solomon's time,

we had no such problem.

Gold and jewels

were the same as money.

Nowadays we use paper money.

Like this.

You mean this has value?

It's a $10 bill.

Wow.

Hmm.

That's me.

I find it a good likeness,

don't you?

Yes.

Oh, but you see,

Alexander Hamilton's picture

is on a $10 bill.

Huh. Oh, very well,

if you insist.

Let it be King Hamilton.

- How do you like it?

- It's perfect.

Wait a second.

What am I thinking?

This is worse than making gold.

This is counterfeiting.

Counterfeiting?

Only the Federal Government

has the right to make money.

Why?

Because that--

that's the way it's done.

That's all.

And they frown on

do-it-yourself kits.

Try to understand.

If people could go around

making their own currency,

the economy of the whole country

would collapse.

No matter how I try,

whatever I do for you,

I must undo.

I've accomplished

nothing for you.

No, that's not true,

Mr. Fakrash.

Thanks to you,

everything is going great.

I'm meeting

with Mr. Wackerbath's

Board of Directors

tomorrow morning

to get the official go ahead.

And tonight, the Kentons

are coming over for dinner.

Now that I've got

the Wackerbath account,

the wedding bells

are practically ringing.

Then I have made you happy,

my son?

Very happy.

No?

There is one thing.

The Jenkses downstairs,

they're my best friends, but--

well, at dinner tonight...

I understand.

They would be in the way.

I've tried to tell them,

but they're very sensitive,

and I can't stand

to make them unhappy.

Have no concern.

They will not be at dinner

and they will be happy.

It delights me, my son,

to free you

of this little problem.

Before you go, Mr. Fakrash,

I'd like to see

how you look in brown.

Wonderful.

It makes you look

10 years younger.

Centuries younger.

Come in.

Where have you got those camels

stashed away?

We got the Health Officer

downstairs.

Gentlemen,

I was just about to call you.

Some dirty crook

stole them from my garage.

Put that in your report,

officer.

I must get to my office.

Is Mister-- Harold.

- Seymour.

- Here's the car key.

We haven't got much time.

We've got to catch a plane.

- Where are you going?

- Back to Paris, for good.

Boy, did we have a day

at the races.

Eight times

they gave us the wrong tickets

and eight times they paid off.

After the fourth race,

we just let everything ride.

It was like magic.

I'll bet it was.

Harold, you're not sore at us

because

we're running out on you?

Oh, no. No.

Au revoir, mon ami.

Oh, I-- I almost forgot,

we left you a wedding present.

The statue of Hazel.

Ah, thanks.

Good luck, Seymour.

Anatole.

Anatole.

So long.

Thank you, Mr. Fakrash,

wherever you are.

It's almost 7:
00,

Mr. Ventimore.

You're gonna be late

for your own dinner party.

Holy Toledo. This--

let all this go.

All right.

- Good night, Ms. Glidden.

- Good night.

It's about time you got here.

My money, please.

Money? Where are you going?

The Kentons will be here

any minute. What about dinner?

You can let your heathen

caterers worry about that.

Caterers?

My money.

If you didn't trust me

to handle your dinner,

you should've said so.

Open up. Let me in.

Open up.

What in the--

who--

who are you?

- I am thy Seneschal,

O shining beacon of mankind.

What's a Seneschal?

I have prepared

the repast for thee

and thy honored guests.

Where is he?

Where is he?

This time he's gone too far.

It's the Kentons.

I shall bid them welcome

in thy name.

No, wait.

Wait. Come back.

I got to get rid of these.

Papa, you're not smiling.

Oh, I'm smiling. I'm happy.

After all,

I'm not losing a daughter.

I'm gaining a--

heaven knows what.

The only thing troubling

your father is

he hates to admit he was wrong

about Harold.

Welcome, O nobly born.

Enter and share

the salt of my master.

Is this Harold's idea of a joke?

Well, I don't know.

I...

Please, go.

I don't need any slaves.

Up. Up.

You're all free.

Abraham Lincoln arranged it.

Oh, how nice.

So good of you to come.

This your idea

of a simple little dinner?

Well, I'm afraid

the caterer got carried away.

I happened to mention

that you were an authority

on ancient cultures and...

Well, I think it's very

clever of Harold.

Don't you, Papa?

- I do not.

I think it's a ridiculous

waste of money.

Oh, it's not costing

a penny extra.

They're throwing

in the decorations free.

Good will, you know.

- Decorations?

This is the most beautiful

silk brocade I've ever seen.

- Yes, yes, uh-hmm.

- Which caterer is it?

Uh, Fakrash-el-Aamash.

Enough, enough,

enough I said.

Isn't that touching?

They're crazy about their boss.

He pays them over scale.

Up, fellas, up.

You can get up now.

You've paid your respects

to Fakrash.

Enough. Enough.

- Yalla.

- Yalla.

What devotion, huh?

It's refreshing to see loyalty

like that nowadays.

Well, shall we go

into the dining room?

Um, where is the dining room?

It's, um, I think this is it.

You don't appear

to be quite sure.

Well, I leave those details

up to the caterers.

Wherever they decide.

Sometimes in one place,

sometimes in another.

There's a great deal of charm

in uncertainty I always say.

Well, don't say that

in front of Samuel Wackerbath

or you'll be right back

where you were.

Yes. No, no.

Yes.

Well, boy, girl, boy, girl, huh?

There we are.

Young man,

I have a bad sacroiliac,

and I'm not being

the least bit facetious

when I tell you that

your sense of humor

gives me a pain in the back.

Oh, Anthony, your back

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