The Brothers Solomon Page #3

some heat.

I gotta go get my mail.

Cool, I'll hold the elevates for you.

Please don't.

John? John, is that you?

Get in here!

Craigslist came through!

- We got a response?

- Yeah.

Her name is Janine

and she totally wants to do it.

I mean, there's one little catch.

I knew it. What is it?

She wants $ 10,000.

Ten thousand dollars?

There is a huge demand for babies

right now. It's a seller's market.

Okay, well,

I'll give this Janine a call.

But I might try a little negotiation.

Janine. Hi, it's John and Dean

from the Craigslist.

Let me just start by saying how happy

we are to have a baby with you and...

Well, we were thinking

something in the $20 range.

Won't budge off the 10 thou?

Okay, well, then I am gonna

have to counter with $25.

Forty dollars. Fifty.

Deal!

Okay.

Twelve thousand dollars it is.

Great, bye-bye.

Twelve thousand dollars?

Yeah, she really brought

her A game.

But you know what? Who cares?

You know what this means, right?

- We're having a baby!

- We're having a baby!

You got your

defibrillator paddles there.

And heart machine.

This is...

...a blue medical machine.

This is, you know...

That's a dialysis machine

for the kidneys.

And if you wanna watch TV

or something...

...just throw on the generator,

you'll have power!

Dean, we're gonna be super late.

Come on.

Wait. You go comedy and drama,

I'm gonna go action and foreign.

Let me start by saying...

- You got the money?

- Yes.

So I guess I'll go first.

Wait, I would like to go first.

Relax. We're gonna get

multiple shots here.

What do you mean by

"multiple shots"?

Well, egg fertilization is

a quantity game.

So our plan is to literally blanket

your ovarian walls with our sperm.

We'll each make love to you

until one of our seeds sticks.

Not at the same time.

Taking turns.

- Yes. Yes. John, then me.

- Guys, wait.

- Then Dean, then me.

- Guys.

- Then Dean, then me.

- Then lunch.

Then me, then Dean, then me.

I can't wait to feel myself inside of you.

Guys!

The only thing you're gonna feel

yourself inside of is a cold Dixie cup.

Well, that certainly doesn't make

your vagina sound very appealing.

I'm not talking about my vagina.

I'm talking about

artificial insemination.

I see.

A scientist gets to do all the fun stuff

and we get stuck with the frigging bill.

Well, that sounds fair.

Janine, we are spending

a lot of money here.

Shouldn't we get

something out of it?

Yeah, you get a baby out of it.

That is a good point.

Okay.

Okay. So I made an appointment at

the sperm bank for tomorrow at 3:00.

- Good times.

- Awesome.

Janine, what the hell is going on

in there? I heard guys.

- Who's that?

- It's my ex-boyfriend, James.

James, I thought we agreed

we were taking a break.

And you already seeing other people?

Who the f*** are these guys?

Hi, James, it's me, John.

And I'm his brother, Dean.

It's nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

The f*** you doing in there?!

No, James, it's okay.

We're just working out a plan

in which Janine is having our baby.

Yeah, we're all very excited

about it.

Oh, yeah. I'm getting excited

just hearing about it.

Hey, I got an idea. Why don't the

three of us get together sometime?

That way you can get to know me

and I can beat the sh*t out of you.

James, you better cool it or I'm gonna

call the cops. You want me to do that?

Baby, what you talking about?

I just wanna talk.

Okay, fine.

Wait, can we vote on this?

- I vote no.

- "No" here too.

Looks like the "no's" have it.

Seems like a democratic...

James.

- Have you been crying?

- No.

You poor thing.

Let me get you some tissues.

Okay.

So which one of you two a**holes

is having a baby with my girl?

- I am.

- I am.

How did you two meet?

Chat room, motherf***er.

So...

...you're a janitor?

That's right. I'm a black man

so I must be a janitor.

Motherfucking racist-ass

stereotyper.

It's just, you're...

...wearing a...

...janitor's outfit.

So a black man can't just go

in a thrift shop...

...and buy a janitor's outfit because

he find it comfortable on his nuts.

No, he can.

Especially a black man.

What do you do?

I'm a janitor.

Baby, why you even doing this?

They need a baby, I need the money.

It's that simple.

Okay, so we're gonna go.

Give you guys some privacy and...

We got a big day ahead of us

tomorrow at the sperm bank.

We're gonna need all our energy

for that trip to the...

Don't you f***ing say

"sperm bank. "

- Fluid...

...depository.

James, I think you should leave too.

- Can we give you a ride somewhere?

- Ain't that a b*tch?

So because I'm a black man...

...automatically I ain't got

no goddamn car.

The more I think about

our trip to the...

...bank, the more excited I get.

Dean, I need you to promise me that

you're not gonna... yourself off tonight.

We're gonna need every drop of...

...we can muster for tomorrow's trip

to the... bank.

Yeah, well, it's essential that

we fill Janine's... to the tippity-top...

...with all the pearly white s... erm

we can conjure up.

If you two don't shut the f*** up,

I'm gonna beat the living...

...out your f***ing...

My place over there.

That's your house? It's beautiful.

Surprised? I guess I should be

living in the ghetto.

I think Dean's surprised you live in

a nice house, because you're a janitor.

Bingo.

But you wouldn't be as surprised

if I was a white janitor.

Not as surprised.

He really scares me.

When you're done, leave the cups

and an attendant will collect them.

We're not expected to fill

this whole thing, right?

Just do whatever you can.

Okay, good.

I had kind of a big morning.

I thought we promised we were

gonna hold off till this afternoon.

Well, I'm sorry, but there was a

Laverne & Shirley marathon on TV...

...and I, you know, was weak.

Well, I hope, for your sake,

that you are multi-orgasmic.

Well, I am. I swear.

I am like the semen equivalent

of the Energizer Bunny.

- I can have so many orga...

- She gets it.

So these are your rooms and

over here is our magazine selection.

I'll leave you two alone

to make your decision.

Okay, so I guess we got sort of

a breast theme there...

...and that has more of a focus

on the vagina there.

But there's vaginal stuff

in the breast one, right?

Yeah, there's plenty of crossover,

I'm sure.

Don't worry, none of these are gonna

give short shrift to the vagina.

- So wait, where were we?

- Jug Junkies.

Right, breasts, vagina, senior vaginal,

teen vaginal, housewife anal...

How'd that get there?

What are you doing here,

little lady?

All right, you go ahead

and pick first.

Let's see.

Dean going for

the Indigenous Weekly.

Gotcha. J.K. I know that you

probably want this one.

Indigenous Weekly back in play.

I don't want it.

Let's see... This.

Okay. All right, well,

as tempted as I am to get that...

Not.

I'm gonna take the Jizz Junkies.

Okay. So bombs away.

Motherfuck!

Well, we finished the procedure.

Janine will be out in a minute.

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