The Brothers Solomon Page #4

In a week we'll know if it worked.

So whose sperm was used?

Well, we went in with

your specimen, John.

Oh, really?

But unfortunately there was

no motility in your sperm.

- I'm sterile?

- Basically.

Burn.

So we went with Dean's sperm.

Well, we'll see who's laughing...

...when they spend zero dollars

at the condom store.

Well, I have your results here...

...and I want you to know that

what I am about to tell you...

...has been double-checked

by the lab.

I guess you just never know how

you're gonna react in that situation.

I just got so excited.

I mean, we're gonna be dads!

I know.

Wait, why the hell's it so quiet?

Clear!

Wait a... I think this thing's still on.

These are on too.

I think they're all still on.

- Dad's okay?

- Yeah.

What the hell?

Hey. I was just using

your bathroom.

Your friend had to go back

to the video store...

...so he asked me

to watch your dad.

I hope you don't mind, I turned down

the volume on the machines.

They have volume switches?

Yeah. Inside the back plates.

Crap, is the generator on?

The microwave...

Relax. I rerouted the electricity.

I hope you don't mind, but I helped

myself to some of your chili.

Tara, you need to know something.

Our chili...

...is your chili.

- Thank you.

- No...

...thank you for watching our dad.

No problem.

About that...

Do you guys know anything

about vascular pumps...

...or EKGs or any of

this equipment?

- Very much. Much. Very, very much.

- Much. Much, much, much.

Well, I'm training to be a nurse.

What an arousingly selfless pursuit.

Anyway, if you guys need any help,

you know...

...I need to watch an intensive-care

patient for three months.

So if you were across the hall from me,

it would save me a lot of hassle.

- Deal.

- Great.

And, as payment, I will take you

on a series of nighttime dates.

No, that's okay.

I should go.

Do you mind if I take this chili

and bring back the bowl later?

- Just keep the bowl.

- Thank you.

No. No.

That is our chili bowl...

...and you will bring it back.

Understand?

Yeah.

Oh, my God!

So, what was with the bowl thing?

Why take away a reason for her

to come back to our apartment?

If she falls in love with this place...

...it's only a matter of time

before she falls in love...

...with this place.

And then...

...this place.

John...

Of course she should return

the chili bowl.

What do you think?

Should we tell Dad the good news?

Yeah.

Dad? You've always given us

everything we've ever wanted.

And now it's payback time.

Dad, you're gonna be

a grandfather.

But, Dad...

...we need a little something

from you.

We need you to stay alive

for nine more months.

We know you can do it...

...because you can do anything

that you put your mind to.

Well...

Look who's in the hot tub.

That's good news for both of us.

I was actually just getting out.

Talk about a wet dream.

You know, you don't have to tell me

each time one of those happens.

This was a different kind of wet.

But every bit as satisfying.

Birthday, birthday, birthday

Someone's having a birthday

A day of joy and mirth day

Because it's Jennifer's birthday

Happy birthday, Jennifer.

Really?

Happy birthday to Tiffany.

A toast to the baby.

You can't toast our future baby

with water.

I can't have alcohol if I'm pregnant.

Bingo. That's baby-smart.

Dart it up?

I wish you could've seen our dad's face

when we told him about the baby.

It was priceless.

It's really sweet that you guys are

so close to your dad.

Yeah. Our dad is the best.

I mean, when Mom died,

could've really messed us up.

But he worked hard to raise us like

every other kid in a two-parent family.

You know, homeschooling,

puppetry-based sex education...

...friendship simulations, the works.

I mean, don't get me wrong,

I'm not happy that my mom died.

Just, it's because of her grisly death

that we turned out the way we did.

- You owe me $5.

- No, I don't.

That is clearly within two inches

of your nose.

This is in my nose.

Okay. So I guess your nose isn't

within two inches of your nose.

You're right. Here is $5.

Congratulations on a good win.

Thank you.

Well, your dad certainly

gave you guys a positive outlook.

Wish some of that

would rub off on James.

Don't worry about it.

James'll be fine. I'm sure...

The cocksucking newspaper machine

ate my motherfucking quarter, man.

What the f***?

First trimester.

And that's the nose and mouth,

and there's an eye right there.

Beautiful.

Now, should we be concerned at all

that we only saw one eye?

No, I'm sure the other eye is fine.

How sure? A hundred percent?

Well, I suppose

anything's possible.

So there's at least a small chance

we're dealing with a Cyclops.

Well, a Cyclops is

a mythical creature, so no.

- Thank God.

- My God. Check it out, guys.

I'm about to give birth

to an ice cream sandwich.

I just felt it kick.

Are you guys sure

you're ready for this?

Being a dad is a big deal.

You should be prepared.

Maybe spend some time around kids.

Don't you worry, Janine.

We have a plan.

And by the time you poop that thing

out of your baby hole...

...we'll be so prepared,

you won't even recognize us.

We'll be ready.

They're so cute,

I just wanna hug them all to death.

I just wanna squeeze the life

out of them.

Yeah, you might wanna control that.

Okay.

Okay, Jenny, one more trip

down the slide. Just one.

Hello, young lady.

Wanna go get some ice cream?

- Yeah.

- Great, let's go!

- What do you think you're doing?

- Getting ice cream. Wanna join?

No, and my daughter

doesn't wanna join either.

Actually, she does wanna join.

Yeah, Mommy, I want ice cream.

Are we done here?

- Jenny, come with Mommy.

- I want ice cream.

Come with Mommy.

Hey, Jenny, if you change your mind,

we'll be here in this car.

Nice. Reserve the option for later.

Look at the tits on that one.

Yeah. He needs to lose

a few pounds.

Did you know childhood obesity is

the number one cause...?

Gentlemen.

Hello, officer. One second, please.

It's the number one cause

of early-onset diabetes.

You know what?

I think I did know that.

What can we do for you?

We've had complaints.

Can I ask you what you're doing here?

Trying to coax that girl into our car,

but her mom's being a pain in the ass.

We're just kind of waiting

for an opening.

Get her by herself.

And what is your badge number?

"247726-A."

Great. See you in court.

Or should I say "sue you in court. "

And please relay that message

to 924, 946, and 955.

Hello, Janine.

Glad you took what I said to heart.

- We took it very to heart.

- Extremely to heart.

You guys just can't practice

on somebody else's kid.

I know how badly you guys want this,

but wanting it badly just isn't enough.

Do you guys even know

the first thing about raising a child?

Have you read any books

or done any research?

No.

But, I mean...

- The cavemen didn't read any books.

- He's got a point.

The infant mortality rate back then

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