The Cannonball Run Page #3

Cannonballers. No.

Why are you dressed like that?

Humanitarian reasons.

I'm a wealthy philanthropist.

Me and my partner ride around

in an ambulance...

Iooking for accidents,

trying to help people.

I don't think we were put

on this earth to hurt people.

I think we were put

on this earth to...

help people.

- That's beautiful.

- Thank you.

You must be a sensitive person.

I try to be.

I bet you're a fan of Rod McKuen.

I listen to him every night.

I'm into trees.

Have you ever heard of joyce Kilmer?

She wrote a terrific poem

about a tree.

He.

Who?

- He.

- He's a she?

She's a he.

Well, he wrote a really terrific

poem about a tree.

- You know what I like best about trees?

- No, what?

That you can lie under them

on a moonlit night...

the leaves gently

blowing in the trees...

Sorry.

It's all right.

What were you saying about trees?

I was saying,

what I like best about trees...

is that, on a moonlit night

you can lie under them...

with the leaves gently blowing...

Hey,j. J., you'll never believe

what just happened to him.

- I don't want to talk about it.

- He had the most wonderful time...

I don't want to talk about him.

Victor, Beauty. Beauty, Victor.

- Hello, Victor.

- You really are.

- Do you want to hear about the doc?

- He's telling me about the doctor.

- Oh, it's about the doctor.

- It's really important.

- We need a doc for the ambulance.

- It'll keep.

I'll leave you two alone.

- But listen, I think you should hear...

- It'll keep!

- It's really important.

- I want to talk to her.

Who?

Now do you want to hear

about the doc?

- No!

- It'll keep.

Hey, Brad, old buddy!

How the hell are you?

My God, it is you.

Hello, Shakey!

Shakey, it's kind of tough

to get close to you.

Last time I saw you,

you were a bit more svelte.

Yeah, well, what can I tell you?

In the pizza business, when it's slow...

you tend to eat the inventory.

But that's not good for the Cannonball.

You know that.

You don't need a motorcycle.

You need the Super Chief.

Even with the extra tonnage,

I'm still the best there is.

Yeah? Well, I'll tell you what.

I got a throttle that's been sticking.

Why don't you fix that?

Boss, this is the biggest coup...

in the history

of the safety enforcement unit.

We're gonna blow this

Cannonball thing wide open...

and then we're gonna hit congress

for a real budget...

that will allow us to play

some real hardball.

I mean, this is

our Three Mile Island...

and Love Canal combined.

- What's wrong?

- Look at the chicks.

- What is it?

- Look at the chicks!

If we were Methodists...

what a shot we could have had

of getting laid right here.

Listen, I want to get up there.

I don't want to miss a thing.

All right. There you go.

Just as good as new. Give her a try.

- That's it?

- That's it.

All right.

We'll see.

Hey, I don't think it's the throttle.

I think it's the clutch!

Good-bye.

Look out!

Hey, watch out!

Watch out!

Coming through!

What in the hell was that?

That must be the entry

of the National Safety Council.

Good day.

I am here to participate

in your little jaunt to California.

Well, of course.

If you would sign in here, please.

Hold still, Petey.

Say cheese.

I realize the novelty

of a major celebrity...

entering your little race...

but kindly resist the temptation and

keep the media coverage to a minimum.

- Thank you.

- Will you hurry the hell up?

Hurry up!

Man does not live

on... on bread alone.

What concerns me is, do we have

enough ice for all this beer?

Plenty.

Yeah, well, how about food, son.

Did you bring enough food?

Plenty.

Will you get serious?

Give me the rest of that beer.

Excuse me, good sisters,

if you will.

Father, we do have a race to run,

and we're running a little late.

So will you come on?

Will you excuse him, good sisters?

- Bye- bye.

- Don't run off. Tonight's the night.

I'd like to welcome you all...

to an event that's sometimes been

called the automotive counterpart...

to the Bay of Pigs.

You all are certainly

the most distinguished group...

of highway scofflaws and degenerates...

ever gathered together

in one place.

We're gonna have fun.

Of course you know certain skeptics

note that perhaps 10,000...

of the nation's most elite

highway patrolmen...

are out there waiting for us after

we start, but let's think positively.

Think of the fact that there is

not one state in the 50...

that has the death penalty

for speeding.

Although I'm not sure about Ohio.

Everybody is gonna get

a card like this.

When you leave, you're gonna

punch out here at this time clock.

Three thousand miles away from here...

is another time clock just like that

at the Portofino Inn.

The difference between the two times

is your time across the country.

The record stands

at 32 hours and 51 minutes.

Believe it or not, those guys did

break the 55 mile an hour speed limit.

Let's get that first car up here.

We're gonna get this thing underway.

Go!

- I know.

- All right. Where's the doctor?

- I got everything else.

- Where's the doctor?

- I got 60 gallons of gas...

- Can you read my lips?

- Where is the doctor?

- The auxiliary tanks...

Goddamn it, I gave you one

responsibility... to get a doctor.

You give me no doctor.

Where is he?

He got sick.

Listen to what I'm telling you.

You go find a doctor.

Get me Dr. Kildare.

Get me Dr. Livingston.

Get me Dr. Frankenstein.

Just get me a doctor.

- Go where the doctors hang out.

- Where is that?

Bars, golf courses.

Golf course, bar. All right.

Where else? Hospital!

Try that too.

My jet will take you to California.

It's time for you to punch out.

I'll see you in California!

I love you!

A toast to us, you and me.

- We're gonna win the whole thing.

- It's a cinch.

The more I look around

and see these turkeys...

I have...

While you're drinking,

that truck to the left...

Isn't that j.j. McClure?

He's nothing.

Don't worry about him.

It's the blimp next to him. The blimp.

When he puts on that mask,

he'll blow your goddamn doors off.

You understand that?

The blimp!

Was that weird?

It's a Nevada license plate...

and that's...

whiskey, zebra, alpha...

niner, fiver, zero.

- You got that?

- What?

Just write W-Z-A...

No, here.

Will you let me do it?

W-Z-A-9-5-0.

See? Whiskey, zebra, alpha,

niner, fiver, zero.

Okay, so it's Interstate 80

through Pennsylvania.

Oh, that's a good looking piece.

And cunningly disguised

so it won't look like a racing car.

You know, the cops would never

give that a second glance.

Two hundred and twenty miles an hour,

and they won't get a second glance.

Hey, when we get to California...

I got a place out at Palos Verdes...

You boys gonna start this thing or just

sit and wait for that paint to dry?

Yes, sir.

- How long till we stop?

- Eight hours.

Damn, I gotta go to the john.

Go.

Mad Dog, you are gonna take the shortcut

to the interstate, aren't you?

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