The Cannonball Run Page #4

We're here to win, ain't we?

If you're gonna be a bear,

be a grizzly.

My God, Pamela.

Did you see that?

They drove right through those trees.

I love trees. Did I tell you...

We are going right down there and bring

this thing to a screeching halt...

right now.

Buckle up.

We're going into action.

Would you mind?

- Very civil.

- Might be easier with your lights on.

Why advertise?

- Wait a minute, Father.

- What?

That's a no-no. Haven't you heard? They

haven't allowed that for 2,000 years.

No, look. I'm a liberal wing.

Way out on the other

part of the church.

- It's nothing at all.

- Keep flying, Father.

How about just one of you?

Who says cops won't stop honeymooners?

Anyhow, why do I

have to be the bride?

Shut up, sweetie,

and punch the clock.

- Okay, go slow until I get my wig on.

- Yes, dear.

Well, old pal of mine,

are we all set for California?

- Next time, Methodist. Methodist!

- All right, pal of mine.

Okay, okay. You're all right.

Okay, now, who's driving?

- You are.

- You're driving.

- I can't drive.

- Then I'm driving.

Yeah, I think you are.

All right.

Put me down.

You hold this.

I'll get in the car.

- Come on.

- I'm coming.

Somebody's hat!

Hold my drink.

Hit it!

Thank you, good sisters.

May the good Lord take a liking to you,

but not too soon.

Bless you, my children.

Those guys are more juiced up

than that Ferrari.

- J. J., wait. I got the doc.

- Terrific.

No, wait.

He's in the ambulance. This way.

Before I open this,

don't get your hopes up too high.

- I was pressed for time.

- No problem.

Holy sh*t!

I'm honored, sir.

I'm Doctor Nicholas...

Nickolas Van Helsing,

professor of proctology...

and other related tendencies.

Graduate of the University

of Rangoon...

and assorted night classes...

at the Knoxville, Tennessee,

College of Faith Healing.

You may be a little

overqualified for this job.

You got your equipment with you?

I never go anywhere without it.

However, in my particular line of work,

I seldom need more than this.

Or this.

We'll talk about this later.

Now, sir, before we commence

this odyssey...

which I understand will carry us

across this grand nation...

from sea to shining sea...

there's the matter of my compensation.

I've determined that my services

will require...

the payment of $2,000.

I was thinking more

along the lines of $200.

Fortunately...

my practice allows me

a certain flexibility.

After checking my schedule, I find

I'll be able to make the journey.

As far as the money's concerned,

you've got a deal.

We're off!

Here we go.

Three thousand carefree,

madcap miles to California.

California, here we come

Right back where we started from

Thanks to you, Victor, we do not have

a female patient in the back...

thanks to your wonderful Cousin Tessie.

It's not my fault

that she didn't fit in the stretcher.

Doesn't fit in the ambulance.

I got the doc here, didn't I?

Don't ever tell me where you got him.

I don't want to know where you got him.

I was just surprised

that all the animals there were...

I don't want to know

where you got him!

Hey, maybe I could be the patient.

That's a good idea.

Everybody would believe you were sick.

- Don't you believe he's sick?

- Want me to examine him?

Him doesn't like it

when you say bad things about me.

And you know that.

Thanks to you, though,

we don't have a female patient.

And we've got to find a female...

Damn Cannonballers.

I'm so happy you're here.

- Can you help me with Mr...

- Foyt.

- Foyt.

- Sure. That's what I'm here for.

Mr. Foyt. Go around and get in

the emergency entrance.

Come on right here.

There we go. Hit it!

Wait, I'm not...

This is really terrific...

the way you guys go around

helping people.

Next year we're going

for the Nobel Prize.

That's where the big bucks are.

You forgot Mr... Mr...

Well, we got you.

We're batting.500. Nobody's perfect.

Well, I think you have to go back

and pick him up.

We'd really like to,

but we're on kind a tight schedule.

We're on our way to California.

You'd be amazed how many

sick people there are out there.

They need our help.

We could pick him up on the way back.

Victor, can you help me?

No, I can't.

I can't do anything.

But he can.

Who can?

Him.

Excuse me.

Doctor...

My God, the perfect specimen.

J. J., you want me to start

the examination right away?

I'm gonna like this job.

Right here, honey.

No, thank you.

Not right now.

Of course, man.

This took 30 years.

They won't be able to see us...

the son of a guns.

I'm really sorry about that...

little lapse, Officer.

Normally I drive

right around the speed limit.

We all make mistakes, miss, but 160?

That's a little more than a lapse.

What the hell is going on here?

Everybody's driving like maniacs.

I don't know, Officer.

Let me see

your driver's license, please.

What the hell. I can't penalize

nice girls like you...

for a little indiscretion...

with the whole road packed with

speed-crazy lunatics.

Here. You girls have a nice trip.

- Drive carefully and take it easy.

- Thank you.

- Come back and see us next year.

- Bye.

Take care.

Keep it in the road.

I don't know why you're pouting.

I mean, look. We're taking

a nice, leisurely trip to California.

And we're picking up all the bills.

This could be fun.

I can't believe

this is happening to me.

This is not a joke anymore.

I'm being kidnapped.

You can call it kidnapping

if you want to be rude.

Just think. We have

a professional physician on board...

in case somebody gets swamp fever.

You guys are strange.

We got company.

Yeah, I hear.

Okay, Beauty, you lie down

and be a patient for the police.

- Come on. Why?

- Don't!

I'm not gonna help you.

You didn't even help Mr...

Maybe I can help.

Dear God!

It's all right, miss. It doesn't hurt.

Give it to myself all the time.

Yeah. He gives it to himself

all the time.

Show her.

Come on, Doc.

Show her.

Show her.

There. You see?

That didn't hurt.

- J.j.?

- No, thanks.

Hi, guys. What's up?

What's up?

You guys are running at 120.

Your lights are flashing all over.

- We've got a patient in there.

- You were still speeding.

She's very sick.

There's not a hospital within 50 miles.

Where are you headed?

- UCLA.

- UCLA?

- UCLA Medical Center.

- L.A.

California?

This is going to sound like a dumb

question, but if she's that sick...

why didn't you fly her?

Why didn't we fly her?

I'm just the driver.

We have to ask the doc.

That's a good idea.

Why don't we ask the doc?

I'm sorry.

What's going on out here?

What is this crude interruption?

The patient... Why can't she

be flown to California?

Cysts on the walls of her lungs.

Very rare.

You see, airplanes are only

pressurized at 10,000 feet.

Anybody who knows anything

about medicine knows...

that she can't fly,

she has to be driven.

We couldn't even go through Denver,

it's so high.

Tell them to go back

and pick up Mr...

- Is that lady all right?

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