The Carer Page #7

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and the lighting superb,."

"I can fake it."

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

(ANNOUNCER) And now, live from London,

the Critics' Guild Annual Awards.

[SHUTTERS CLICKING]

My father's very sorry not to

be here in person tonight,

but he is thrilled

to be getting this award

and sends his very best wishes

to everyone at the Guild.

Thank you.

(SIR MICHAEL)

You know, I once met Adolph Zukor,

the founder of Paramount Pictures.

And a Hungarian.

Don't f***ing interrupt

with all that Hungarian crap!

It was just before his 100th

birthday, and he said...

"If I had known that

I was going to live this long,."

"I would have taken

better care of myself."

Oh, I'm sorry.

Was that for your speech?

It doesn't matter.

Your reply came from the Academy.

It's over there,

in the jacket of my pocket.

Jacket pocket.

Okay. Later.

- Don't you care?

- Of course, I do.

But this is your night.

Let's get you dressed.

There will be no nappy.

Tonight I perform without a net.

(DOROTTYA) You look a bit pale.

Are you okay?

Yes, I'm okay.

Don't keep asking.

- Tell her, Joseph.

- Tell her what, sir?

Tell her that I'm always

like this before I go on.

It's true. Sir Michael's been

a martyr to stage fright.

The famous Michael Gifford look

comes from the fact I simply

can't face the bastards.

I walk on, I can't see a

thing for the bloody lights.

A trick of the trade, Dorottya,

is to let your disadvantages

work for you.

(JOSEPH) But, you know,

all the years I've known you,

you never once dried up on stage.

It's not drying I'm scared of,

it's wetting.

[GONG SOUNDING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Ladies and gentlemen.

Tonight the Critics' Guild of

Great Britain is gathered to celebrate

a giant of film, television,

and above all, theater.

Sir Michael Gifford.

Oh! Ah...

So many memories.

[CHUCKLES]

You know, Joseph,

Alzheimer's really should be

the province of the young.

They have nothing to remember.

How the f*** do they manage?

I really couldn't say, sir.

But, you know...

Yes.

When we were young,

we seemed to manage quite well.

Ah!

Ammunition.

All right.

The young.

Screw them.

And the begrudges, sir.

(MC) To begin the proceedings, we have

a special tribute tonight from

a distinguished fellow actor,

one of our greatest movie stars.

Welcome, please, Sir Roger Moore.

Welcome to my mountain retreat.

My name is Moore.

Roger Moore.

And I've come down from the mountain top

to congratulate my old friend,

Michael, on yet another award.

Some years ago Michael and I were making

a dreadful piece of garbage

in the jungle

calle The Saddest Lion.

And in it...

I've always meant to thank you, Joseph,

for all the kindness you've

shown to me over the years.

You really don't have to, sir.

It's been an honor.

You're such a starfucker, Joseph.

I bet when you get to heaven, you're

gonna ask God for His autograph.

I believe you've said that

to me before, sir.

At my age, Joseph,

everything I say, I've said before.

And we got to talking about

the so called good old days,

and I mentioned The Saddest Lion.

And Michael looked at me blankly.

And he said,

"You mean, Villa in Antibes."

No. This wasn't him.

That was Father's story about Larry.

It doesn't matter,

Michael would love this.

All of a sudden, Michael

burst into a great big grin.

"The Saddest Lion,

I call A Villa in Antibes"

"because that's what it paid for."

[ALL LAUGHING]

Michael, congratulations, my old mate.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Sadly, Sir Michael Gifford is unable

to be present in person tonight.

But it gives me great pleasure to

introduce his beautiful

daughter, Sophia,

who will receive

the award on his behalf.

Thank you, Bernard.

Thank you, Critics' Guild,

and thank you all.

My father taught me to give the very

best to every endeavor I undertook.

It's time.

Oh God.

Two minutes.

But I have no doubt now that he

contributed enormously to my success.

And as I grow older...

Joseph.

I come to understand the love

behind everything he asked of me.

I also understand a little better how

much he's done for other people.

I'll give you the nod.

For all of the young writers, actors,

and directors he has worked

with over the years.

He had a glass of champagne.

Oh God.

So I'd like to think that this

Lifetime Achievement Award

is not just for my

father's performances,

but for the achievements of his life.

There we are, sir.

Generosity to young talent is the

true spirit of my father's work.

So tonight, I can announce a donation

from my own resources,

of one million pounds to the

Sir Michael Gifford Theater Trust

to ensure the continuation of

a cause close to my father's heart.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

completely contrary to our expectations,

I have a last surprise to announce.

Milly, come on.

(SOPHIA) It gives me great pleasure...

I haven't missed an entrance in

my life and I don't want to start now.

To present the recipient of tonight's

Lifetime Achievement Award,

my father, Sir Michael Gifford.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

I must say, my dear, even under

these unforgiving lights,

your golden delicious

look quite magnificent.

Michael!

[CHEERING]

[COUGHING]

Got you.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Only joking.

But it shut you up, didn't it?

Now, sit down, sit down, sit down.

One of us should be sitting quietly,

and it's certainly not going to be me.

If you had given me

this thing a few years ago,

I would have bounded heroically

onto the stage to receive it.

They say that youth is

wasted on the young.

Well, awards are surely

wasted on the old.

I mean, it's always gonna be a toss-up,

which would've made

the mantelpiece first.

This or my ashes.

Oh, don't worry.

I've died on stage many times.

Sometimes it was even in the script.

But I am not going

to die up here tonight.

Now, did I hear my daughter right?

A million pounds?

Wow.

And I can hardly get her

to buy me a drink.

No, no, no, it's not true.

It's not true.

My daughter's quite a remarkable woman.

You know,

I had a little success a few years ago

playing King Lear.

And like him, oh, dear,

so much like him,

I have misjudged my daughter.

But no more, Sophia, no more.

I am extremely proud of you.

Please, come forward.

[ALL APPLAUDING]

Okay, that's enough.

It's my night.

And I fully intend milking it

for all it's worth.

Thank you, ladies.

Like many actors I've often dreamed

of what I'd say on such an occasion.

You know, perhaps obsequiously

thanking everybody.

From the lady who cleans the toilet

to the kindergarten graduates

who call themselves producers.

Even pointing out the vindictive critic

who gave me the worst review of my life,

and there he was a minute ago,

faking his admiration

with the best of them.

But enough. Enough.

If revenge is a dish best served cold,

I've lost my appetite.

It seems to me now

that I have been living a lie.

Staying out of the public view,

hiding my condition.

But then, look around you.

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