The Change-Up Page #5

I finished the day,

Mitchell.

What are you doing?

I finished the day.

Good.

You're living the dream.

You're living the f***ing dream!

Your job sucks, too.

This isn't going to work.

This is not going to work.

That's way too much.

Hey, man, hang on.

What are you planning on telling her?

I'm telling her the truth.

The truth?

Yeah.

That's going to work.

Jamie will know what to do.

Jame. Jame.

Hey, sugarbug.

Hi, Daddy!

Hey!

Hey, my precocious

little daughter.

I don't talk like that.

You do.

I really don't. No one does.

Jamie, hey!

Jamie, Jamie, Jamie.

I'm so glad you're here.

It's been so crazy.

Oh, that's appropriate.

Hey, Mitch.

Jamie, we need to talk.

Are you going to

stay for dinner?

No, I can't stay for dinner,

but I would love to...

Look, I got to

tell you something.

I can't talk right now, Mitch.

It's been so crazy here.

The twins are a half-hour

past their bedtime.

What are you doing?

What are you, some kind of animal?

And Cara has to

start her homework.

I have an emergency phone

call in four minutes.

You know that building?

The 11-story building?

Yup.

I have to remove three stories somehow.

Isn't that crazy?

Yeah.

It's so ridiculous.

It makes no sense at all.

I'm not Mitch.

What?

I'm Mitch.

He's Mitch. I'm Mitch.

Somehow we switched bodies.

And I'm Dave.

That's Dave. Yeah.

Oh.

What happened was, we pissed

in a magic fountain...

Uh-huh. ...

and the next day it disappeared.

They moved the fountain,

so now we're looking for it.

And when they find it,

we're going to switch back.

We had to pee

because we were drinking.

We were drinking.

That sounds like a plan.

Can you start the bath for the twins?

Okay, pumpkin, this is...

(EXCLAIMING) Mitch, no.

Don't call me

pumpkin, okay?

And you promised me that

you would clean out...

Can you shut this off?

It smells like cabbage now!

Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, sit down.

One second.

Just humor me, all right?

I want you to

ask me one thing...

I don't want to

play your games.

...That only Dave

would be able to answer.

Just one question.

Please, I'm begging you.

Good idea.

Okay, when is

our anniversary, Dave?

April 17th.

Next question, please.

Wrong.

So close. Nineteenth.

Seventeenth's your daughter's

birthday, 19th's your anniversary.

DAVE:
Why do you know that?

MITCH:
Do you think I'm a monster?

I send you a card every year.

Jamie, listen to me.

Ask me anything else.

Oh, my gosh!

Mitch,

I don't have

time for this!

Come on, one more.

Just make it tough.

Only Dave would know.

A stumper.

Fine. What is my

favorite color, Dave?

Red.

Celadon.

Do you not understand what we're

trying to accomplish here?

Not a drop of

the red in the room.

All the accents

are celadon.

It's like

the opposite of help.

Okay, honey, I got it.

I'm going to

tell you something

that only I, Dave,

would know.

Three years ago,

you took your vibrator...

(WHISPERING) You took your vibrator...

Morning!

...Into the bathtub

and it short-circuited

and it electrocuted

your vagina.

Hang on.

And there's now the cutest

little bald spot right there.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah.

Hi.

Oh, my God.

I know. It's me.

This hasn't been fun.

Good story.

You son of a b*tch!

How dare you

tell him that?

God!

(EXCLAIMS)

What is wrong

with you two?

God damn!

How would you

like it if I told him

that you have a ball

that feels like two balls?

So it's like you

have three balls.

Dave has three balls.

A bouquet of balls.

Bad! Bad!

(BABIES CRYING)

This idea f***ing sucked.

Listen, I don't want you

to worry about anything.

I'll be able to

hold down the fort.

We got to find that fountain

as soon as possible.

It's like a can of

tennis balls down here.

The only problem I see is,

what do I tell Jamie?

What do you

tell Jamie, what?

When she wants to

have sex tonight?

Think about that.

You're not having sex

with my wife, Mitch.

Obviously, bro.

But if she comes at

me like a hurricane,

a guy can only

withstand so much.

Mitch.

Dave. We're trying to pull

something off here, okay?

Now, I might have to hit that, okay?

She'll know.

Now, how many times a day

do you guys have sex?

I'll have

to pace it out.

What day is it today?

I don't know.

Is it Tuesday?

Yeah. You know what?

It's a non-issue.

What does that mean?

You guys don't have sex on Tuesdays?

(LAUGHING)

Take the day off?

That's adorable.

Tell you what.

If she comes on

like a hurricane...

Just drill it.

Yeah, what can you do?

You're only human. Give me the keys.

Smart.

Yeah.

Okay. Please be

careful with her.

It's like we're

swapping rides.

It's just like that.

Thanks, buddy,

you're being very cool.

(SIGHS)

Dear God.

Oh, my goodness.

Look at this, huh?

Bang. Thank you, Mommy.

Why don't you tell Daddy about

what happened at school today?

I wrote a spring poem

and Miss Byers only put

Angelica's poem up on the wall

and she didn't put my

poem up on the wall.

And why would

she do that?

I thought

she liked me.

Dave.

Yeah.

Cara's talking to you.

What?

She's talking to you.

Well, Cara, her poem was

probably much better than yours.

Let's eat.

Dave.

I didn't read

the b*tch's poem,

but maybe she can really turn a phrase.

Let's eat.

Tell Cara that

her poem was good.

You just hurt

her feelings.

I didn't read her poem, either.

Do you want me to lie to her?

Is that what this is?

Fine, I don't care.

Cara, honey, your poem,

which I did not read,

was way, way better

than the other girl's poem,

which I also did not read.

Let's eat.

It's Cara. Not Cara.

It's what?

Are you having a stroke

right now or something?

What did I call her?

What about the dinner song, Daddy?

What about the what?

What's she saying?

The dinner song.

What's that?

The dinner song?

Are you joking me?

No, I'm not joking you.

There's a song?

Sing the dinner song, honey.

Course, there's a song.

Just sing the dinner song.

I don't feel like

singing it tonight.

No, sing the dinner song.

You sing the dinner song.

Maybe you need to sing the dinner song.

Sing the dinner song.

I'm sick of that song.

Sing the dinner song.

Sing it!

I got it. I heard you.

(SINGING NOTE)

Dinner song

Dinner song

(BABIES CRYING)

Beans, potatoes,

carrots and broccoli

Buns and sa/ad

and potatoes and chicken

Needs a lickin'

Dinner song.

That's so not

the dinner song.

Well, I'm going

to tell you what.

You're going to go ahead

and write me a dinner poem,

and I'll belt that out

after I choke this down.

Let's f***ing go.

(GASPS) Okay.

Daddy needs a time-out.

Great idea.

MITCH:
(SINGING)

Dinner song

Bye-bye.

(EXHALES FORCEFULLY)

(MOBILE RINGING)

Hello. Hi, Mitch. It's Tatiana.

Tatiana.

Hi, how are you?

I'll be better in a minute

after I f*** you raw.

Oh.

(DISCONNECTED TONE)

(PHONE DIALING)

Hello.

DAVE:
Mitch.

That was Tatiana.

She said she's going to f*** me raw.

Tatiana? Sh*t,

that's right.

That's my Tuesday night

regular, right on schedule.

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