The Change-Up Page #6

You f*** that

right for me, Dave.

Took me a long time

to reel this one in.

I don't think

I can do this.

What the f*** does that...

Hey, Dave!

Hey, man!

Dad, I smell a skunk.

NO, it's this, kid.

What does that mean, you don't

think you can f*** Tatiana?

Because it...

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Jesus Christ, she's here.

She's already

knocking on the door.

MITCH:
You nail that

right for me, Dave.

It feels kind of like

I'm cheating on Jamie.

Are you f***ing

shitting me?

In what world

is this cheating?

Cheating is when

any part of your dick

gets up inside some woman

that's not your wife, okay?

And your dick

is firmly planted

inside these f***ing lame,

triple-pleated sports slacks.

But my mind is over here.

That should count for something, right?

God, you big b*tch.

How many women have you f***ed

in your mind, huh? Thousands?

Millions, Mitch.

Was that cheating?

No. It was not

f***ing cheating.

I think you're on very firm

legal ground here, counselor.

Your reasoning is

oddly impeccable.

This is what

you wanted, Dave.

Sex with strange,

new women.

You just thank me later and

shut your mouth, all right?

Goodbye. Kirk out.

(BANGING AT DOOR)

(DOORKNOB RATTLING)

I'm going to do this.

Tatiana.

Game on.

I like how you made

me work for it tonight.

What am I? A burglar?

Holy sh*t.

(CHUCKLES)

Holy sh*t!

Why the f*** are you

still wearing clothes?

When are you due?

Any minute now,

so let's get our f*** on before

this becomes a threesome.

Oh, that's so gross!

Whoa, stop for a second.

Stop for a second.

(GRUNTS) You're so heavy!

My tits are aching

for you.

That's probably the Colostrum

coming, and it'll be very painful.

Okay, okay. Just friends.

Just friends.

Okay, what's your

deal tonight?

Nothing. (STAMMERING)

Is it my new haircut?

No.

The trenchcoat.

Too clich?

No, it's not

the trenchcoat.

Then what is it?

You seem like

a really nice person,

but were you

pregnant last week?

Are you kidding me?

You picked me up at a single

mothers' Lamaze class.

(GROANS) That's so twisted.

Oh, God.

Wait, wait, Tatiana.

Tatiana. I'm sorry, okay?

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful. (GRUNTING)

You're just...

What? I'm not sexy?

No, no. Hey. Look,

I did not say that, okay?

You are... Oh, my God!

I can see it kicking!

You know what,

Mitch?

Don't ever call me again.

No, hold on.

Wait, Tatiana, don't go.

I mean, go, but just

go to a hospital.

Oh, Mitch.

What are you doing?

Oh, God.

I mean, it is called

a push-up, Dave.

Pathetic.

Oh, God, I'm really

feeling it tonight.

Holy sh*t.

Game on.

Oh, my God, it's going down.

Oh, Mitch!

I finally get to f*** Jamie.

This is my finest hour.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

I hope she likes it weird.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

God, I am going

to ruin her!

(FARTING AUDIBLY)

Oh!

I need to cool it

on the Thai food.

Oh, my God.

Seriously, dude,

light a candle.

Oh, my God.

(MOANS)

No, no, no. Don't back

that thing up into me.

Go hose it out

or something.

What?

I can't believe you'd

come at me, guns hot.

Guns hot?

(SIGHS)

Are you kidding me?

No, I'm not, lady.

It's not going to happen tonight, okay?

I'm not attracted to you.

Rotate your turret

and go night-night.

(SCOFFS)

(BABY CRYING)

It's your turn.

Hmm?

It's your turn to

feed the babies.

I don't feel like it.

(GROANS) Come on.

Are you f***ing

kidding me right now?

It's 3:
00 in the morning.

You go do it, you're the mother.

I'm the mother!

It's 3:
00 in the morning!

Get the f*** out of the bed right

now before I f***ing cut you!

Jesus! What the f***?

Unreal. This is just...

Oh, please.

Hey, hey!

What the f***?

(SARAH WAILING)

(PORNO PLAYING)

(GRUNTING)

Oh, God!

That did not just happen.

What?

Hey. I always thought

your wife was a nice lady,

but she talks

like a dock worker

and she shits

like one, too.

Plus, I used to think your kids

were adorable, but they're not.

They're f***ing bananas.

Can I help you?

Here's the deal. I got two screaming...

(DAVE BREATHING HEAVILY)

Hold on. What's with all

the heavy breathing?

Are you jerking off?

(BREATHLESSLY)

No, I'm not.

Yes, yes, yes, I am.

Look, I never get this kind

of privacy any more.

Isn't that kind

of my dick, though?

Is that weird?

You ask yourself that.

It sort of hooks

to the side a bit.

Use your left hand, you get

a little bit more torque.

That's cool.

Thank you, I think.

Question.

How long have you

been shaved down there?

I don't...

Like, sixth grade.

Well, that's disturbing.

Gets me an extra inch,

and only you married dudes

rock the dick-froes.

Now, let me ask

you a question.

If Tatiana was over earlier,

why do you still have

the need to jerk off?

Tatiana. I don't think that she's

going to be back for at least...

She's never

coming back, Mitch.

What did you do?

The woman is nine

months pregnant!

I could see

the baby's face.

I told you not to screw

up my Tuesday night.

Do you have any idea

how many Lamaze classes

I had to sit through

to get that lined up?

Is there a reason that you're

calling me at 3:
00 in the morning?

Yeah, the dock worker is making

me feed the twins. What do I do?

Get them to the kitchen.

Yup, hold on.

(BABIES CONTINUE WAILING)

Stop crying.

Jesus Christ.

Shut up!

I f***ing hear you.

Mitch.

Please. Enough!

You, there. Stay.

Stay.

All right.

In the kitchen.

Go to the fridge.

Okay.

Oh.

Mitch. Are you there yet?

I'm at the fridge.

Defrost two bags

of breast milk

in the microwave

for three minutes.

And then prepare

two separate bottles.

Breast milk?

First, attach

the filter to the seal.

Use the blue ones,

not the pink ones.

Defrost two bags.

Yup.

Pretty intuitive.

Then after the milk is defrosted,

take it out

of the microwave,

pour it into the bottles,

sea/ them.

Then you need to put three-eighths

of a teaspoon of water...

Holy sh*t!

(EXCLAIMING)

Come on, dude. Christ!

Mitch. Hey,

are you listening to me?

Holy f***!

This is important stuff

Do not screw this up.

Hey!

What was that?

Mitch ? Mitch!

Everything's fine, dude.

What's next?

Then you need to

put three-eighths...

What the f***?

(ELECTRICITY SPARKING)

Holy sh*t! F***!

What just happened?

Nothing. Nothing, dude.

Go on. Two bottles...

Then attach a number two nipple.

Jesus Christ.

Make sure you don't allow

any air bubbles in.

Then, after you're

done feeding them...

This is so f***ed up.

Yeah!

All right.

This is what you get, okay?

Yeah, right there.

Mitch.

Okay, dude.

Tomorrow morning, when I

am sitting in your office,

you need to be downtown,

finding that

f***ing fountain.

I do not know how

much more of this sh*t...

(BABIES LAUGHING)

...I can take.

I'm one of the guys

looking for the fountain

that you lost

in the computer.

I'd be very, very appreciative if

you could tell me where that is.

Yeah, I can do that.

Good. Great.

First, you got to fill out a

formal information request.

Okay, I'm going to

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