The Change-Up Page #7

fill that out right now.

Then it needs

to go to State.

State?

Yeah, to get approved.

Why can't you

approve it, Victor?

I don't have

that authority.

How long is it going to take

State to approve it, then?

Three days...

Oh, God!

...To three weeks.

Oh, come on!

Victor!

Mitch? Dave?

Hello?

F***!

Real bad news...

Oh, hey. Where's...

Where's Dave?

Dave's in the shower.

Are you okay?

Hey.

What's going on?

Dave's just acting

really weird.

How?

He's just doing

weird stuff,

like he wore his shower

sandals to work yesterday.

He forgot to pick up

the twins from daycare.

No, he didn't.

Yeah, he did.

They had to sit there

for an hour and a half.

Okay.

(CRYING) And then

last night he told me

that he wasn't

attracted to me any more.

I am going to kill him.

I just want you to tell me

something right now, okay?

And you have to be

totally honest with me.

Sure.

You swear?

Yeah.

Is he having an affair?

No.

Why did you

hesitate just then?

I didn't hesitate.

He's not having an affair.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Jamie, Jamie...

You guys are

just going through

a temporary rough

patch right now.

Temporary rough patch?

What are you talking about?

We've been in this

for years.

You have?

I love him. You know I love

him with all of my heart.

But he's...

You know his family,

growing up...

He had nothing, and so he was

always looking over the fence

because he wanted

a better life.

And that's why he worked

four jobs at once,

so that he could put

himself through school.

And he's amazing.

I mean,

nobody can do that.

But the problem is,

now that he has everything,

he can't turn it off.

And he still wants

more and more

and a second house, and

more kids, and a nicer car

and anything that he thinks

is going to make him happy.

And so he just

keeps working

and he's not paying

any attention to me.

And I'm miserable.

Oh, God.

Because... I have huge feet.

(SOBBING)

They're size 11.

My foot has grown a half

a size with each baby.

I have to go to this weird

online shoe store to get shoes.

And I just want him

to pay attention to me.

And I want him

to grab me

and kiss me

like he used to.

And it's like

you always say,

Dave is a little

bit of a p*ssy.

I always say that?

Yeah.

I always say that

because it's true.

Dave is a little

bit of a p*ssy.

I hope that when

he makes partner,

he can just finally

stop and see...

And be happy,

you know?

Because how can you

stay married to somebody

who is incapable

of being happy?

What are you saying?

(EXCLAIMS) Holy f***-knuckles,

I've got freckles on my taint.

How awesome is that?

Hey, fag,

what are you doing here?

Three days to three weeks?

You left the kids

at daycare?

Come, on, Mitch!

Those are my kids.

I can't do

this sh*t any more.

No, no, no.

You are going do this sh*t.

You don't get

off that easy.

My marriage is falling apart,

my job is on the line.

You are going to be the best

possible me you can be right now.

Dave, you don't understand.

I cannot do this.

Not even for another hour.

You're gonna do it.

I don't care! You're going to

stay here and do this right!

Get out of my f***ing way, or I'll

drown you in your own goddamn tub!

Easy, motherf***er!

If you leave now...

Get your hands off me.

...This friendship is over!

F*** you.

Don't pull that sh*t on me.

I got to get the f*** out of here.

I'm serious, Mitch. Shut up!

Jamie and the kids

mean everything to me.

There's no walking

out on this.

For once in your life, you got

to see something through.

What the f***

does that mean?

I'm going to be honest

with you, Mitch,

because there's

a lot on the line here.

You are a quitter.

But quitting is not an

option on this one, okay?

You focus,

you find it.

I don't care where, but you find

it inside of yourself, okay?

I know it's there.

It's not like

I'm not trying.

I just don't know how to

do all your grown-up crap.

You're going to learn.

This is called a suit.

You wear one every day.

Along with a necktie.

Black, not white, socks.

Dress shoes, not shower sandals.

Please. These are awful.

And, of course, underwear.

Oh, come on.

(EXCLAIMS) No more

commando, Mitch,

you're a grown-ass man.

Put them on.

This is called

a schedule.

It tells you everything

you need to do each day.

Pick-u ps, drop-offs,

activities,

play-dates,

doctor's appointments, etc.

You'll notice that there are approximately

on any given day.

Make it work.

This is called

a grocery store.

People buy food here.

It's part of your responsibilities.

Before heading

to the market,

always call Jamie and ask her

if she needs anything first.

In fact, before making

any decision

in your life,

no matter how small,

call your wife first.

Think of yourself as

a brain-damaged mule,

lost in the desert,

helpless, dumb

and in constant

need of direction.

Never take the initiative,

never strike out on your own,

and never deviate

from the plan. Why?

Because you are

a brain-damaged mule

and you are lost

in the damn desert!

These are called children,

or dependants.

Never disparage

your own child.

Everything they do

is a miracle from God.

When they're bad,

it's only because

they're tired or

going through a phase.

When other kids are bad, it's

because of indulgent parenting

or innate defects in

the child's character.

Be 15 minutes

early for everything.

It doesn't matter what it is.

A meeting, an event.

Less stress for me,

less stress for you...

Hey! You're married

now, jackass.

You can't look

at other women.

You can't talk

to other women.

You can't even be interesting

around other women.

(SHUSHING) Do everything in your

power to desexualize yourself.

Wear a fanny pack,

drive a Prius,

attach electronic devices to

your belt, whatever it takes.

And if you find yourself

forced to talk to a woman,

quickly find a way to mention

the fact that you're married.

It doesn't even

have to make sense.

Hi, how are you? Nice weather today.

He's totally f***ing married.

So I can't sleep with my wife, I

can't sleep with other women?

What the hell is that?

Marriage.

I think that's everything.

You got any

more questions?

Do you ever

have any free time?

Have you listened to

a single word I've said?

There is no free time.

And at the end of the day,

do you know what you get?

A f***ing gun with a bullet

to blow my head off with?

Sometimes you wish.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Hi.

SABRINA:
Did you hear

the good news?

Kinkabe and Amalgamated agreed to go

into binding mediation in two days.

Hold up. What do you mean?

Two days?

So, I'll have my briefs

on your desk by lunch.

That puts my balls on

your chin by dinner.

That, right there, is Schedule

IV sexual harassment.

Awesome!

I'm sorry, have we met?

No, we haven't.

I'm Mitch Planko.

Hi, Sabrina McKay.

Hey, Sabrina.

Hold on.

You two guys should go out.

What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, man!

DAVE:
Please stop.

MITCH:
You two guys need to go out.

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