The Change-Up Page #8

Absolutely,

you two should go out.

You're so single,

Mitch, right?

And you're so f***ing white-hot, right?

This body.

Did you do a lot of

swimming in college?

Don't answer that.

You bet she did.

Oh, my God,

you guys need to go out,

have a nice steak dinner,

do some dancing,

go to a Korean nightclub,

get a belly full of pills.

I don't know what you're into,

but just have some fun.

What about Ecco on 7th

Street, Saturday at 8:3O?

Great? Great!

He's totally free, so he's

going to meet you there.

Don't f*** on

the roof, though.

That place has got

this non-resin tar

that's a bastard

to wash off.

So, just oral.

Yes, you're thinking

about it.

She's in.

This is good.

You're going to get me fired!

I swear to God.

Shut it down.

For one second, you listen to me.

For the first

time in your life,

you're f***ing

good-looking, okay?

You're single, you got the right

number of f***ing balls in that bag,

and you got the opportunity to nail

number one on your cancer list.

I can't do that.

I'm not doing it.

You need this!

This is f***ing dinner with her!

This is so good.

I mean, what's going

on between us,

it's just crazy, crazy.

Here's what's crazier, not using it.

(EXHALES)

Not using it on her.

You use it for her,

you use it for you,

and maybe a little

bit for me, you know?

Remind yourself of that.

Remind yourself

of the big, f***ing crater you created

right there on Tuesday night.

Oh, the Tuesday night, again.

I could use that.

She'd fit perfectly in there.

Will you please drop that?

Every day with the Tuesday night!

Well, it's a big goddamn deal!

You f***ed me! You owe me!

Respect my life!

Respect mine.

Yeah, you respect

your life.

Fine!

I am proud of you.

Just promise me, you listened

to every word I said.

I heard everything.

Every single syllable, you got it?

Did you hear

everything I said?

Caught a few things.

Yeah, just enough.

You betcha. You go have

a good time, little girl.

I got your life all put

away here, nice and safe.

(PHONE RINGING)

Answer my phone.

Hello.

Hi, Mitch Planko.

Bingo! Who the f*** is this?

What?

Dad?

Hello?

(STAMMERING)

Is this Mitch's dad?

Is this Mitch, Sr?

Dave? Hi, this is Dave Lockwood.

Why are you calling me?

I just wondered if we can get

together for a little while today.

Boy, it's a work day.

Half an hour.

I look different.

I don't like my outfit today.

Dave, half an hour.

Mitch, Sr. wants to sit down

with Dave Lockwood.

Yeah.

Why?

I need to talk to

you about Mitch.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Hello.

Dave. How are you?

Good, thank you.

What are we doing here? When was the

last time the two of us saw each other?

I don't care. Listen.

I'm getting married to a very

beautiful woman named Pamela.

Her name's Pamela?

Yes.

Wow, you can say "I do"

in English this time.

What?

Is Pamela from America?

Yes.

Anyway...

I'm not going to

have anybody there.

The only family

I have is Mitch.

I went to his apartment

a couple of days ago

and told him that

Pamela would like him

to say a few words

at the wedding

and that wasn't true.

Truth of the matter is, I would

like him to say a few words,

if he could find it

in his heart to do so.

I don't know why you

don't tell him yourself.

That is a very nice

thing for a son to hear.

So, you want me

to go tell Mitch

that you would like

him at the wedding.

He's going to say,

"Why the hell does

"he want me there?

He thinks I'm an idiot."

Well, that's not

totally true.

I think he's got

some nice qualities.

I think he's got

some problem areas, too.

What are those?

You're his friend, you

know him as well as I do.

You probably know him better than I do.

He's a quitter!

He has never finished

anything in his life.

He picks up something,

he puts it down.

He's good at it for five

minutes, and it's gone.

He's flaccid. No gumption.

No get-up-and-go.

His accomplishments could rest

comfortably on an eyelash.

Oh, he'd probably say, "F*** you

," if he heard you say that.

Well, maybe he would

and maybe he wouldn't.

But I want him to

be part of my life.

With all due respect, Mr.

Planko, you don't know Mitch.

What you don't

realize about him

is that he's

a f***ing Jedi!

A what?

He's a Jedi Knight, sir.

And next time you see him, he's

going to be slitting throats.

(CAR ALARM BEEPS)

F***!

I'm not a f***ing quitter!

(ENGINE REVS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(BABY CRYING)

All right, let's do this.

Good morning,

Patty-cakes.

Daddy needs a box set

of Law & Order,

three meatball subs

and a hand-folded,

chop-chop.

What are you doing?

I got this one.

I got it.

Back to bed.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(SQUEALING)

MAN:
You are in dire

financial need!

Objection!

(EXCLAIMING)

Sustained.

(YELLING)

(BOTH cRYING)

(SCREAMS)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Excuse me.

Hi.

F*** me, she's cute.

Here comes

the battement.

(ALL GASPING)

F***ing nice, Cara!

Sweet!

(WHOOPING)

That b*tch bounced.

Beautiful!

Man alive!

That's my daughter, b*tches!

Dad's very proud.

Keep going.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

MITCH:
Oh, I mean, what

did we learn from this?

Always solve my problems

with violence.

That's bingo, baby!

Five, up high.

No!

Yes!

No, that is not the lesson

that we learned, Cara.

It is!

Violence is cool.

Dave.

Kidding.

I'm not kidding.

She did make a pretty

funny sound, though,

when she hit the ground like that.

Yes, she did!

But don't make a habit

out of that, okay?

I know.

All right.

I love you, Daddy.

I love you, little girl.

MITCH:
Hey.

That ass looks real hot,

you know.

You like my ass?

Yeah. Tight as a drum.

Wouldn't mind putting

my drumstick in it.

Ooh! Really? Ha.

Keep going. (CHUCKLES)

I like how big and fat

those tits have gotten.

This little calf wants to

get her mouth on the udders.

And I think that I want you to f***

me like you just got out of jail.

Roger that.

And you don't even have to go down

on me because I know it's late.

Appreciate it.

All right, turn around.

Oh! What are you doing?

Here we go.

What do you mean? I thought you

said you wanted to have some sex.

Yeah, but not like two dudes

at a rest stop, okay?

Okay, I got it.

Want to go grab me three Q-tips?

How about we just do

what we always do?

What, do you mean with a lot of

eye-Contact and real personal?

Uh-huh. Come here.

I love you.

Yeah. Oh, don't say that.

Let's not...

How about no talking, okay?

We can do some silent sex.

Seriously.

Kiss me.

No, no, no. No talking.

All right, let me kiss a shoulder first.

Okay? Okay.

There you go.

Where's that hand going?

Hello!

Did you shave your balls?

Who doesn't love a couple

of smooth criminals?

Is that why there was all

that pubic hair in the drain?

I would bet, yeah.

Why are you still soft?

I don't know. Can we try the no-talking

for just, like, three minutes?

That's all

it's gonna take, okay?

Let's do it like we did it

on our wedding night.

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