The Change-Up Page #9

No, no, no. Jamie, what are you talking

about, our f***ing wedding night?

God! I can't do this!

Why not?

I cannot believe

I can't do this!

What the hell is happening?

God damn it!

What?

You don't want

to have sex with me?

Yeah, I want

to have sex with you.

I've wanted to have sex with

you since the sixth grade!

I mean, you should be

a mess by now,

but things are not...

Well, let's do it!

(SIGHS) This is new.

Sorry, Jamie.

I think

I'm in over my head.

I think I'm way in over my head.

I got this f***ing house,

and a job, and a family.

I've got you, I've got the Kids, and

I've got a f***ing carpool. And rules!

I've got these f***ing rules, half

of which I don't even understand.

This is impossible.

I don't know how to be this man.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

That's okay.

That's okay.

Come here.

Yeah, it's fantastic in here.

It's very warm.

I think I remember this.

Mmm-hmm.

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

Dave Lockwood.

Mitch!

Where the hell are you?

It's been two days.

I gotta know what's going on with Jamie.

Call me back.

What the hell is he doing?

(WOMAN TALKING ON PA)

Mitch. Hi.

Jamie. What are you doing here?

I come here every Saturday after yoga.

What are you doing here?

I am plowing the crap out of

this chick around the corner,

and now we're gonna have dinner.

We're gonna make some scallops,

and then it's going to get ugly.

This chick is a mess.

Why do you have to talk like that?

You have such a sweet side.

You should let people

into your sweet side.

Yeah. Listen, I wanted

to ask you something.

The other night, you were

in a pretty dark place.

Oh, yeah. I know.

How's that going with Dave?

Is he treating you

a little bit better?

Yeah.

He's been very sweet.

Really open and communicative...

Good.

He held my hand all night

while we slept last night.

Attaboy!

Did you tell Dave

to shave his balls?

Uh...

Don't act like you didn't tell him.

I know it came from you.

Don't be a bad

influence on him.

I though you two

might like that.

No, I don't like that.

It needs some coverage.

Yeah, I'll tell him

to grow it out.

It was really great seeing you.

You okay?

I'm good. In fact, I'm much...

Much better now.

Good.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

(ALARM CLOCK RINGING)

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(EXHALES FORCEFULLY)

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Okay, I'm awake.

F*** it.

(PARTS)

(LOUD PLOP)

(CHUCKLES)

MAN:
Hello, I'm trying to find...

Oh, come on!

Look, bring it to me in the office.

I don't care.

Relax, I'll be there.

Yes, sir.

Just look at...

This is important. Taxi!

(LAUGHING LOUDLY)

(CHEERING)

Thank you.

Thank you, America.

ALL:
Whoa!

(SIGHS)

I've got my eye

on you!

(GIRL SQUEALING)

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Go for Lockwood.

Mitch, I'm panicking

over here.

I haven't been on

a date in 18 years.

I'm drowning

in my own fear.

Relax and calm down.

Don't tell me to relax! You did this to me.

I can't do it, okay?

Don't move,

I'll be right there.

Mitch?

Hey.

How do I look?

Just grow a mustache and

lure a child into your van.

Where did you

find that sh*t?

The back of your closet.

Put it back!

These are called jeans.

They've been popular with America's

youth for over 60 years.

Jeans to a restaurant?

Yeah, jeans to a restaurant.

Look who else can hit.

In order to feel confident,

you got to look good, okay?

This is a vest,

put that on.

Okay, this is called

gel or product.

Too little, you look

like a pedophile,

too much

and you look Persian.

Mitch, I have done everything

that you have asked of me.

I got the jeans on, I got the

vest, the gel in my hair...

You look great. ...

but I am not going to do this.

Yes, you are going to do this.

Why do I have to do this?

Because it shows

that you're considerate,

that you're clean,

that you're American.

Why do you even care?

It's my body!

It's my body right now!

I'm scared!

There, we have it.

Nobody ever needs to know

that this happened, Mitch.

(SHAVER BUZZING)

Boy, real tempting

to kiss my own dick.

Ah, that tickles.

Shh, you're

jiggling the sac.

Oh, you're going to go all

the way back there, huh?

We're going to dinner,

not Rio.

AH right.

You got any extra batteries?

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi.

Mitch.

How are you?

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Okay.

So...

(CLEARS THROAT)

What the weather?

Listen, the only reason I'm here

is because my boss

told me to be.

This is not a date.

This is not a "get to know you."

This is just me trying

to save my job.

I'm going to go.

Just sit the f***

back down.

I showered, I showed up, I'm

starving and I could use a drink.

How long have

you known Dave?

My whole life, actually.

And have you ever seen him

act like he did yesterday?

Like a super-douche?

(LAUGHS)

BOTH:
Yeah.

Uh, I have, at times.

But I'm really hoping that he

didn't say anything to offend you.

He totally did.

But I like being offended,

just usually after work.

Wow.

Here's the bottle you ordered, sir.

Excellent.

Mmm-mmm,

send that sh*t back.

Bring us two

Macallan 25s, neat.

Right away, ma'am.

Right away.

So, let me

ask you something.

It's a question.

How do you like

working with Dave?

How is he?

I love it.

I mean, he's a

brilliant lawyer.

He's the best.

(CHUCKLES) Actually,

if you must know,

I used to kind of

have a crush on Dave.

(CRINGES) Oh, no,

you didn't!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You're funny.

I mean, obviously,

he's married, so...

Right, obviously,

obviously, obviously.

Super-married.

What do you do, Mitch?

Me? For a living?

Yeah.

You know, I am...

I...

When I'm not eating hummus

and ferociously masturbating,

I dabble in light porn.

I hear that's a growth industry.

Yeah!

I'm just going to get

everything on the dessert menu.

I'm going to order,

like, six desserts.

Oh, my God.

No, no, no! (LAUGHING)

Do I have anything

in my teeth?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

DAVE:
That's a lot of sugar.

Yeah. A lot of scotch!

(EXHALES FORCEFULLY)

Yeah. That was a lot of fun,

is what it really was.

Was? What, are we done?

It's only 2:
00!

No! I'm just

messing with you.

(LAUGHING)

No, let's...

We'll go to a rave or something.

You want to get raving?

People raving right now?

Let's rave!

Yeah.

I forgot about raves!

Man, I'm messing with you.

Go and do that? No.

I do have an idea.

Uh-huh.

What do you think

about doing something

that we will really, really

regret in the morning?

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

You into it?

Yeah, we can

definitely do that.

(LAUGHING) Okay!

Okay. Let's go.

(SIGHS) All right, let's go.

(WHISPERING) F***, f***, f***!

(MACHINE BUZZING)

(SABRINA MOANING)

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

(CONTINUES MOANING)

(GROANING)

Oh, God!

Oh. Wow. Really?

Are you sure

that's what you want?

Absolutely. I like that.

You're okay with that being on

your body for, like, forever?

I feel pretty good

about it.

How is yours down there?

It's good.

It tickles a little.

Rico.

Yo.

What do you think

of this turn, man?

I don't know, man.

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