The Chumscrubber Page #2

You know,

I read this statistic

that the average kid

sees something like...

...10,000 dead bodies

on TV before he turns 18.

Is that what it was like?

Like TV?

No.

It was nothing

like that at all, really.

How'd you know Troy?

Listen, Dean, I should

have asked you this...

Jesus! Crystal, just suck

his dick, why don't you?

- Billy.

- Did you ask him?

- Ask me what?

- Both of you guys get out of here, OK?

Oh. I don't

think she asked him.

Ask me what?

What are they talking about?

Here's the deal, psycho.

Troy has something we need,

and since you guys were

such good butt- buddies,

you're gonna go get it for us.

Get what?

Crystal, what's going on?

Pills, dipshit.

Pills, go get us the pills

and maybe I won't

have to kick your ass.

Crystal, you were right.

I'm really not as smart

as I thought I was.

I really believed you, you know?

- Wait, Dean...

- You were right about something else.

It's not that

I don't like talking.

No. It's just that

I don't like talking to you.

When I am designing

a family room,

or an outdoor seating area,

I think,

"What is the principle?"

- The principle?

- The guiding principle.

And I know you don't

think in these terms...

It's about balance.

It's all about balance.

Right.

- Michael.

- Yes, Terri?

Can you pick up

Charlie from school?

I think I'm gonna be here

a little while longer.

OK, sure.

Believe me, if I told you

the story of how we met,

I mean, you saw

the scar on his head?

He was almost killed.

And I rushed over...

Hey, listen, Lou...

Hey, just because you're the mayor,

it doesn't mean

you're above the law.

You have to let Terri

move on with her life.

You have to move on, yourself.

You might want to pay

that ticket right away.

I'd hate to have

to hit you with a warrant.

Hold on, Lou.

Let's talk about this.

- Two "F's" in Stiffle?

- Hurry up.

There's two Stiffles.

What?

There's two Stiffles.

Dean and Charlie.

Who the hell's Charlie?

F/A-18 Hornet.

Perfect vision. It's a gift.

Which one of you

is Charlie?

- You're Charlie?

- Yeah.

Damn. You're teeny-tiny.

- Hey, you wanna come with us?

- No way.

Look what we got.

What?

- Goddamn it, Lee.

- There he is.

Come here.

Who the hell's that?

That is Dean's brother.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Sh*t. My parents.

- Those kids again, Lee?

- We're doing a group project.

With them, Lee? You think

they care what grades you get?

- Mom.

- Look, son,

you let your grades go now, maybe

you don't get into a top-tier school.

- Yeah.

- You don't get into a top-tier school,

maybe you got to settle

for a second-rate job.

Maybe you don't have

the life you want.

Maybe each and every day you wake up

and wanna crawl back into bed

and tell the world

to go to hell.

We're just saying, you've worked

too hard to blow it in your last year.

We've all worked hard together.

So, come on, champ,

hop in the car.

It's for school.

Just look at our little man.

All right, Lee.

All right.

Sorry about that, Mr. Parker.

Can someone please

answer the goddamn phone?

Hello?

Ask for Dean.

Is Dean there, please?

Yes, he is.

Who may I say is calling?

- It's Billy.

- One moment, please.

Dean?

Telephone.

Telephone, honey.

Some boy named Billy.

All right!

- What?

- Dean?

- What do you want?

- We got Charlie.

- Who?

- Your brother.

- We kidnapped your brother.

- What are you talking about, man?

I got him right now.

He's scared shitless.

Why did you kidnap my brother?

So you know I'm not f***ing around.

I want the stuff from Troy.

- I all ready told you...

- I don't think you're listening.

You are going

to get me Troy's drugs.

- Or what?

- Don't push me, psycho.

- Or what?

- I'll kill him. I'm gonna kill him.

I'm not f***ing around, man.

I swear to God!

I'll cut off

his f***ing head!

Fine. Kill him.

- What did he say?

- Maybe he really is crazy.

- What did he say?

- He said for us to kill him.

So, who are you guys calling?

Your brother.

- Who?

- Your brother, Dean.

I don't have a brother.

- Charlie Stiffle?

- Charlie Bratley.

Michael. Honey?

Charlie, Mom's home.

Charlie. Do I see

your sheet music not put away?

Charlie, do I need

to make dinner?

Charlie?

You're supposed to be

the smart one, Lee.

We all messed up.

Just forget it already, OK?

It's this one right here.

Thanks for the ride.

And the burger too.

Wait.

- I gotta get home...

- Will you shut up a minute?

Billy, he has

nothing to do with Dean.

Maybe that doesn't matter.

Charlie?

Charlie?

Honey, please open the door.

OK, I know this whole wedding thing

is not easy for you,

but it's not like I'm asking you

to think of Michael as your father.

Lou will always be your father.

- We're up here.

- Terri, I'm glad you're home.

I had to leave work.

It's this book.

I just can't put it down.

- I was really hoping...

- Wonderful, honey. A little later?

Sweetheart, would you

open another bottle for us?

OK.

What does he do? Really?

And is he...? He is.

Yeah, well, I guess

I could meet him, at least.

Honey, I have to go. A bunch of

handsome young men just came to visit.

OK. Ciao, baby.

- Hello, boys.

- Hi, Mrs. Falls.

It's Jerri, please.

- Who's this?

- That's Charlie.

Well, hello, Charlie.

I don't think we've met.

Hi.

So what sort of trouble

are you kids up to tonight?

We kidnapped Charlie to blackmail this

guy into giving us a stash of drugs.

Very funny.

Except, we got the wrong one.

We wanted to get Charlie Stiffle,

- but we ended up getting Charlie...

- Bratley.

Charlie Bratley.

Wait a minute, Bratley? Is...?

Is your mother Terri Bratley,

the designer,

Terri's Interior Visions?

Isn't she getting married

to the mayor on Sunday?

- He's gonna stay here tonight, OK?

- Sure. No problem.

Can I get you anything?

Some blankets, pillows...

- Mom, we're fine.

- OK.

And what is this?

- It's a tuba.

- Wow.

- Maybe we could have a concert later?

- Mom.

OK.

You kids have fun.

I am gonna put on my bikini.

Anybody wants

to go for a swim...

But if you leave a message, I'll get

back to you as soon as I possibly can.

Hi, Terri. Mrs. Bratley, I'm sorry.

Your machine just cut me off.

My name is Jerri Falls, and I live

in the Ocean Crest development.

Anyway, I...

- This is Terri Bratley...

- Hi, I'm Jerri Falls...

- Hello?

- Dean?

Jesus. Can't you guys

just leave me alone?

- I'd love to, but I can't.

- Oh, yeah? Why not?

- I need your help.

- Yeah, I doubt that.

- You know it all, huh?

- What do you want?

You know how Billy said

he kidnapped your brother?

Yeah, that was

a pretty lame bullshit job, huh?

Well, it wasn't all bullshit.

He did take a kid.

He just took the wrong one.

Wrong what?

The wrong kid.

Even though it has nothing

to do with you now,

he won't let him go.

I don't believe you.

Hold on.

Charlie! Charlie!

Billy, get off of him.

Charlie, come here.

- Hello?

- Who is this?

This is Charlie Bratley.

- Did those guys kidnap you?

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