The Chumscrubber Page #4

I just said I'm not hungry.

It's just a side effect

of the medication.

Isn't there a more natural way

we could treat his problem?

- My problem?

- A bunch of vitamins isn't gonna help.

They're not just vitamins.

I could really use

an extra set of eyes here.

- I could make you some pancakes.

- Mom, no, I don't want pancakes.

I'm fine, Mom. I'm fine.

- Anyway, I have to go.

- What? No.

- Where are you going?

- Do I have to explain everything I do?

- I'm just meeting some friends.

- Really?

- Don't act too surprised, Mom.

- No, why would I be?

- 'Cause no one likes him, Mom.

- Oh, Charlie.

Everyone thinks he's crazy.

I'm asking everyone.

Has anyone seen my case?

It's right here on the goddamn,

son- of-a-b*tch counter!

All right, Mom.

- How old are you?

- Thirteen.

- Then why are you so small?

- I don't know.

Just am.

My dad put me on this

Bulk 2000 for awhile,

this powder stuff,

it ended up costing him $400,

but after a couple of weeks,

I got really bad diarrhea.

I ended up losing, like, eight pounds.

My dad went ballistic.

You don't smoke, do you?

Sure. Well, no.

Here's a secret.

Don't act like

somebody you're not.

You do that long enough,

you'll forget you were acting.

And so will everyone else.

I was actually thinking

of going out for marching band.

Seems that's what the chicks

are into, right?

Yeah, that's right, Billy.

Charlie nailed me all night long.

It was unreal.

What the hell

did you do that for?

'Cause I'm a stupid bastard.

Let's get the f***

out of this place.

Charlie...

My mom gave this to me

on my 12th birthday.

I always hated

this stupid thing.

Hello, Debbie?

It's Carrie. Johnson.

Oh, I guess it is early.

Right. Well, I'm calling

because I just wanted to tell you,

in case you were wondering,

that in no way, whatsoever,

do I blame you for Troy's death.

Hello, Timmy?

Is your mommy there?

Well, can you take

a message, sweetie?

All right, write this down.

In no way...

Don't ignore me, Dean.

I didn't know we were entertaining.

We're just going

to my room for a while.

Who's the kid?

- Charlie.

- Damn, you're teeny- tiny.

I'm holding him for ransom.

Yeah, I should probably get home.

My mom's getting married tomorrow.

I was married once.

Problem was,

if my wife never really...

We're just gonna go inside.

I'm sorry.

Come on, let's go.

Come here, shitballs.

I'm gonna teach you something.

Come here.

Listen, if someone tries

to kick your ass in high school...

To be honest, you're probably

gonna get your ass kicked anyway.

But if you weren't such a p*ssy,

you could try this.

All right. Come at me

like you're gonna hit me in the chest.

Hit me right here in the chest.

Come on, hit me right here.

No, man, like really do it

like you got a pair.

Really do it.

Come on, come on.

Billy!

That was good. That was good.

- He's about half your size.

- Are you all right?

Are you f***ing kidding me?

What are we doing here?

We're f***ing kidnapping this kid.

Am I the only one

that f***ing remembers that?

You're such a dick, Billy.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Billy, get off of him!

Hey!

Who put that knife in the wall?

I did.

- You're gonna fix that.

- It's my room.

No, this is not your room.

This is a room in my house.

This is my room.

So then you can fix it.

Come on. Come on.

- I'm getting concerned about Charlie.

- Oh, yeah?

Yeah, he just seems

so angry lately.

Jeez, it's the florist.

Yeah, you're running

a little behind?

No kidding.

How about a little fired?

- How is he with you? Any better?

- I haven't seen him much lately.

- You must've talked yesterday.

- No, we didn't talk at all.

Jerri Falls?

Then that is just plain rude. I'm gonna

have to have a little talk with him.

See that one? It's not bad,

if you're on a budget.

What's rude?

Jesus, this woman keeps calling me.

When you picked Charlie up.

- When?

- From school.

He wasn't there.

What do you mean?

You didn't pick him up?

I figured he walked.

I saw you guys talking last night.

Come on. This is ridiculous.

Oh, goddamn it.

I see you, Lou!

Don't think I don't

see what you're doing.

Can't you see I don't

f***ing love you anymore?

Let's go. Chop, chop.

Look at this.

The First Couple of Hillside

right here at my front door.

- Hello.

- Hi, I'm Terri Bratley.

- Nice to meet you.

- This is my fiance, Michael.

Of course, I know the mayor.

It is an honor, sir, an honor.

I apologize

for any inconvenience with Charlie.

It has been such a pleasure

getting to know your son.

He is such a nice boy.

- And he's so talented and so nice.

- Thank you.

- I really like him, he's lovely.

- Is he all set?

- Charlie!

- Well, actually...

They just went

gallivanting off somewhere.

I'm sure he's fine.

They're having so much fun together.

I'm sure. It's just that I have

a million things to do today.

- My God. This house.

- What? What's wrong?

This is where we met.

This is where it all started.

- This is... This is where...

- Oh, you're right, Michael.

- You're absolutely right.

- What an amazing coincidence.

Believe me. If I told you

the story of how we met...

- You saw the scar on his head?

- Yes.

He was almost killed

and I rushed over, it was so romantic.

It's the perfect arrangement.

I'll design the next development,

he'll fast-track the permits.

It doesn't hurt

that he's so good- looking, right?

- A woman only gets married once, right?

- Yes.

And if that doesn't work out,

it's a woman's prerogative

to go all out on the next one.

Will there be very many

single men at your wedding?

- Well, would you like to come?

- I would...

- Would that be OK?

- Of course, I don't see why not.

That would be...

Oh, my God.

Michael, what happened?

- Nothing, nothing.

- Did you fall in the pool?

No, I... Yes, I fell in.

I'm gonna get you a towel.

What's the matter with you?

Something big is happening.

What?

I feel like there's

another person inside me.

Jesus Christ, get a hold of yourself.

This is embarrassing.

You should really take your shirt off.

You're gonna catch a cold.

Is that good? You're so wet.

We're leaving.

Is he...? Is he OK?

He's fine.

He just hasn't eaten all day.

- He's a diabetic.

- I'm not a diabetic.

If your energy level is low,

I have these wonderful vitamins...

What the hell's wrong with you?

Psycho.

- Hello?

- Crystal?

I got it. Let's just meet at the

Promenade and get this over with.

I don't know how we got here,

but I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

My dad would probably say

there's some great

cosmic reason for all this.

And we'll all be better people, right?

Well, I don't know.

My dad also says I'm crazy.

Dean, you're not crazy.

There are several major book chains

around the country

that would probably

disagree with you on that point.

I'm my dad's favorite subject and...

I have to go.

- Dean.

- I'll meet you at the mall.

It's just a beer, Mom.

You don't have to explain

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