The Clapper Page #9

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STILLERMAN:
And on tomorrow's

show, the return of The Clapper.

What's Eddie been up to?

Where's he been?

Has he found Judy yet?

All these answers and more

revealed tomorrow night

right here on

The Jayme Stillerman Show.

- IDA:
Ah!

- Maybe it's good exposure.

No, it's not.

Not in this instance.

I don't like him going back

and doing those shows again

with those idiots.

I wanted him to move on

with his life,

but not like this, no.

- But, Ida.

- Last time, do you remember?

They made a damn fool

out of him.

He don't wanna answer the phone.

Is that what it is?

Well, I got news for ya.

We're gonna go out there.

Pack your bags, Gladys,

we're leaving.

[COUGHING]

Oh, there they are.

Eddie Krumble and Chris Plork.

Oh, so happy to be

back on the same team.

What's that old saying?

Tragedy plus time equals...

I don't know.

Who reads the Bible anymore?

Come on in, guys.

America missed you guys,

and we are gonna

spark this baby back up.

This is Eddie Krumble,

leave a message at the beep.

- [BEEP]

- Eddie, it's your mother.

They finally let me

turn my damn phone back on.

I'm here with Gladys.

I'm here to talk some sense

into you, you big bozo.

CADWELL:
The world's greatest

audience is in the hizzoua!

[CHEERING]

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

it is my utmost pleasure

to introduce mine

and your old friends,

Eddie Krumble and Chris Plork.

[CHEERING]

Eddie! Chris!

Hey, look at that,

they missed you.

Eddie and Chris,

first of all, it is great

to have you both back.

I mean, when my producers

reached out,

we were expecting

a solid no.

Hmm.

But why don't we start with,

well, I don't know,

where it all went wrong?

- Hmm.

- Yeah.

You gotta back up pretty far,

I guess, right?

It was like something

sort of in the beginning.

Right.

I mean, there were these,

you know, mis...

Um, like what,

misunderstandings?

Communication breakdowns.

Yeah, exactly.

Communication breakdowns that,

suffice to say,

were simply that.

There was no wrongdoing

on either part, you know.

Actually, I'm just happy

you're back, aren't we?

[CHEERING]

So, that's out of the way,

where have you guys been?

Um, we do, like,

some grand openings sometimes,

like Ralph's

Supermarkets, we did.

They did an Internet thing

with us too,

and we got a...

Chuck E. Cheese thing too.

I bet the kids are lining up

to meet you at Chuck E. Cheese.

- It's mostly for the parents.

- Yeah.

Thanks for clearing that up.

Yeah, we shake hands,

take pictures.

We're like balloons,

but people.

- [LAUGHTER]

- And people you are.

- [APPLAUSE]

- Now, Eddie,

the question

everybody's dying to know is

what happened

with you and Judy?

I don't give a damn

about a red light!

- Mom!

- Is that your mom?

I am his mom,

and you tell this moron

if he touches me again,

he's gonna be spitting teeth

out of his crapper.

- Mrs. Krumble is here!

- Gladys?

- Get out of the way.

- Are you nuts? We're on TV.

I know where we are, Eddie.

Hi, how are ya?

Ronnie, it's all right,

she's with us.

Oh, no, I'm not with this.

You bring my son,

and you put him on this show,

and you made a damn fool

out of him.

And all he was doing

was looking for his girl.

He came back on your show again,

your crummy show!

- Mrs. Krumble...

- Don't do it now.

- This is insane. We're on TV.

- I know where we are!

And he came with good intentions

because he's my son.

- He's a good boy.

- Absolutely.

IDA:
He was trying

to find his girl,

and then when

there was a problem,

a controversy,

what did you do?

You dropped him

like a half-filled rubber.

- Yeah!

- Mrs. Krumble, please.

- Damn!

- Please, Mrs. Krumble.

We love Eddie here.

We love Eddie! Yeah, yeah!

Listen to this bullshit.

Shut up!

We just wanted what was

best for Eddie and Judy.

Oh, really? Oh, I see.

You want to know

what's best for my son?

- Is that what you want to know?

- Absolutely.

Is that what you're asking me,

what's best for my son?

Don't do it.

Let me tell ya

what's best for my son.

[YELLING]

Hey, look at me!

- No, no. Let me beat the sh*t...

- Hey, Mom, Mom!

IDA [ON TV]:

I want to talk to this man!

- I have something to say!

- EDDIE:
Okay, but calm down!

This is nuts.

This is completely insane.

IDA:
Nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts!

I know this.

EDDIE:
Enough! This is nuts,

This is completely insane.

You gotta calm down, all right?

We're on TV here.

This TV stuff, it's too much.

- This is not for me, all right?

- All right.

You don't gotta fight my battles

for me, all right?

I can fight my own battles.

I was gonna come on here and

give you a piece of my mind.

I was really gonna

let you have it.

I was. I was, but I looked

around, you know,

I probably have my own part

in all of this.

Okay, now that is sounding

more rational.

- Oh, shut up.

- Of course. I'm over here.

Yeah, so no one's

innocent, right?

No one's innocent,

so we're just gonna go. Mom?

That's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna go, and that's it.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, wait.

Eddie, things just got

a little bit away from us.

- Oh, you think?

- Yes, we do, we do.

- Yes, I think.

- Oh, really?

No, it's all right,

Ma, relax, okay?

They're just doing their thing.

This is what you do, right?

We all played our parts.

It just...

I just lost the only person

that mattered to this

whole thing, all right?

And I had someone once.

- Diana.

- EDDIE:
We had this dumb idea.

We were gonna come out here

and win a boat or something

on The Price is Right.

Yeah, but then she

went away, right?

She died, and I didn't have

a plan to do it without her.

It was too much.

But I came out here,

and I met Chris,

and we got this kinda fun job,

and after a while,

the sadness just kinda

slowly goes away.

And you know, it's still there,

but it's further back.

And then I got to know Judy,

and suddenly, even corny stuff

like going to the museum

was kinda fun, I guess,

and then, before you know it,

I'm like...

What, are you kidding me?

Like...

I can't believe I was gonna

be okay without that

the rest of my life.

Like, how does that work?

So you could have done

whatever you wanted with me.

I would've done anything.

You could have done

anything you wanted.

I would've played ball,

whatever.

I just wanted to find Judy

and tell her that

I loved her, I guess.

It is what it is, right?

It's okay. We're here.

Me and Chris,

we're gonna be fine.

We're good, we always are.

Hey, you know,

we got our thing.

We're gonna be

at the Big A Supermarket

tomorrow afternoon, right off

Santa Monica Boulevard.

Come on down and see us, right?

We're gonna be selling...

What is it, what?

National Nut Day.

Right, yeah, National Nut Day.

- Making a living.

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