The Clapper Page #8

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have you seen Judy?

I'm gonna take that as a no.

[CHEERING]

Who's the baddest motherfuckers

in late night?

[CHEERING]

All right, guys, listen,

you're gonna kill out there.

I love you, I love your faces,

I love your bodies, go win.

Whoo!

CADWELL:

Okay, don't hurt yourself.

Sir, I love your style.

Maybe you can come on over

and join us?

We'll have a quick conversation

in front of the camera.

Hold on, hold on, sir,

this way.

Let's have a quick,

calm conversation

in front of the camera.

[KNOCKING]

Yeah?

Hi. Louise?

Sorry to bother you.

Are you...

Do you do the castings

for the shows' audiences?

'Cause I'm a friend

of Eddie Krumble.

Oh, you're a friend.

I know that he used

to work here at least.

That's what he told me.

Okay, is this the idiot

you're talking about?

Hi, I'm Eddie Krumble.

I'm here at the gas station

where Judy used to work.

She doesn't work here anymore.

- She got fired.

- Oh, my God.

Um...

Sorry, yeah.

Thanks.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we have a huge surprise

for you today.

Backstage, we have Eddie,

and what he doesn't know

is through the help of you,

our viewing audience,

we have on hold right now,

the ever-elusive Judy.

[CHEERING]

So without further ado,

let's bring him out,

Eddie Krumble, the world's

most famous audience member.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

Welcome back.

Good to see you.

Been quite a month, huh?

Sure has, Jayme.

Just think about it,

one month ago,

you were an obscure clapper,

and today the entire country

is rooting for you.

EDDIE:
Yeah.

So let's get right down to it.

As you know,

last time you were here,

you were on,

looking for your friend Judy,

and I pledged

to help you find her.

And, well, um,

why don't we just let you

speak to her yourself.

Hello?

Hello. Eddie?

Eddie, are you there?

Judy, hi!

Is that you? Because

these people just called me

and Louise was showing me

you on the TV and...

- What's going on?

- Well...

And why were you at my job?

I saw you wearing this shirt

with my name on it,

making a joke about me

getting fired?

You think that's funny?

How could you do that?

Whoa, no, no, no.

They got this all wrong.

- I know what I saw, Eddie.

- No, Judy.

Eddie's actually really

gone to some great lengths

- to talk to you.

- Yeah.

Who is that with you?

- It's me, Jayme Stillerman.

- Who?

Just some guy on TV,

you know.

- On TV? Are we on TV now?

- You bet.

- No!

- No, not at all.

Not even one bit.

Yeah, we are, but it's not...

Are you kidding me?

Are these the people

you sent to my job,

the people that got me fired?

You told me these people

were stalking you,

- and now you're doing it to me?

- Stalking?

No, Judy. I don't believe Eddie

has been stalking you at all.

I'm sure he would love to, but

he doesn't know where you live.

Judy, you got the wrong idea.

I just didn't have any way

to get in touch with you,

so I did what I could.

You know how much that job

meant to me, Eddie.

You got me fired

for some dumb prank.

I can't believe

you would do that.

Please stop calling me,

stop harassing me.

I'm sorry.

Just stop, okay?

- [PHONE CLICKS]

- Hello?

- [BEEP]

- Judy?

Somebody get her

back on the phone!

She says if we call again,

she's gonna call the police.

Okay. Okay, so she's

a little shaken.

Yeah, of course she's shaken.

You can't just call someone

and put 'em on television.

She was told straight away

this was gonna be a live feed.

She probably doesn't

know what that means.

I don't know what

a live feed means.

Just...

If you give me her number...

We can't.

Legally, we need permission.

Permission?

Since when do you give a damn

about permission?

You never asked for permission

any for stuff you did with me.

Wait, hold on a second.

When you did those infomercials,

you signed waivers

to any and all forms

of rebroadcast.

Yeah, well, you kinda took that

and ran with it, didn't you?

We want to see you

two back together.

The whole country

wants to see that.

I don't care what

the country wants.

I just want to talk to her.

We're gonna straighten this out.

We just need a couple of days,

I need you to trust me.

That's $15,000.

That is a lot of

applause, Eddie,

so just take a breath,

give us a beat,

and we are gonna get

the two of you back together.

- Promise.

- Like it never happened.

This isn't what I wanted.

You know that.

CHRIS:
Ah.

Okay, Eddie.

Don't worry...

at all.

EDDIE:
Just, you know,

like who could've thought

$15,000 would feel

so crummy, you know?

CHRIS:
Yeah.

Thanks.

You're like always there,

you know?

Aw.

Well, yeah, I mean...

Yeah.

I can be a real jerk

sometimes, you know,

and you're like this guy,

and I know you got things

you could be doing,

but you're like

always there for me.

And I'm not trying

to make you uncomfortable.

I'm just pointing it out, okay?

Eddie, you're my friend.

Yeah.

That's it, huh?

- Yes!

- All right.

Don't worry. Everything's

gonna be okay, okay?

It is, right?

- I mean, that's...

- Gimme five, man.

See you tomorrow, okay?

- Okay.

- Later.

- Good night, Chris.

- All right.

WOMAN:
Hello.

The Jayme Stillerman Show.

Can I speak to, um, Ralph?

Can I...

It's... It's Eddie Krumble!

I got to talk to Ralph Ranter

right now.

The... It's The Clapper!

- Hello, hello?

- Hey, Eddie.

- Hey, hey, Ralph.

- Listen, Eddie.

Things are starting to move

really fast here,

and I just have to ask you.

You don't have any kind

of criminal record

- or anything like that, do you?

- Are you kidding me?

What are you talking about?

I didn't even want to be on TV!

You're the ones

who did all this!

Criminal record!

I understand, man, but

she used the word "stalker."

I'm sure

it's a misunderstanding,

but there are a lot

of moving parts.

I'll come back on.

I'll straighten it all out.

I just gotta straighten it out.

We're gonna have to take a beat

on any further appearances.

- Why?

- There are rumors circulating,

and, uh, let me...

Rumors?

What are you talking about?

- Let me just call you.

- You can't...

Give me Judy's number.

I'll figure this out.

I can't do that, man.

She said what she said

live on air.

Once again,

she used the word "stalker."

That's a big deal

for the network, Eddie.

We're gonna have to kinda

just try to chill out

until all the dust settles,

and then we'll act.

Yeah, all right, we'll just sit

and let it settle, I guess.

- I'm sorry, Eddie.

- Yeah, all right.

WOMEN:
The Clapper!

Hey, all right!

- We love you, Eddie!

- Ha-ha-ha!

Good stuff, right?

Good stuff!

TV ANNOUNCER:
Last night,

some stalking allegations

from Eddie Krumble,

better known as The Clapper,

from The Jayme Stillerman Show.

Hey, Marvin.

Colorful

I'm in love with you

Colorful

Why am I loved by you

Sending out signals from me

Sending out signals

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
The Clapper's

potential stalker past.

Sending out signals to you

Sending out signals

MAN:
$13 all day.

High speed Hollywood bus tour.

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