The Clapper Page #7

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Can I just say,

I don't really trust that guy.

You know, I feel like Charlie

Brown with Peppermint Patty,

like the football?

I think the character

you're referring to is Lucy.

- What?

- You know her?

No, I don't,

but I do know the cartoon,

and I think, Eddie...

your name is Eddie, yes?

Yeah.

That Stillerman

and all of them

are trying to control

your destiny.

Would you agree with me?

You're that guru guy.

The voice and the eyes.

I got it. I just placed it.

Remember? We did one of

your shows a while back.

We walked on like hot coals,

but they weren't.

- It wasn't hot.

- Of course they weren't hot.

No, because it was

all about your courage

to do something

of which you were afraid,

to show that

you were in charge,

that you had faith that

we would not burn your feet.

Yeah, that and we got paid

50 bucks.

- 75.

- Even if we paid you $100,

you wouldn't have burned

your feet, now, would you have?

Wait, how much?

Either way, you've gotta

take control of your life.

When people try to sway you

away from what you want,

you've got to

reel them back in.

You've got to reel them

back in.

Reel them in, Eddie.

Take control of your destiny.

Can I...

I'm sorry to interrupt.

I'm like super uncomfortable

right now.

[APPLAUSE]

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

without any further ado,

may I please introduce to you,

after much hard detective work,

everyone's favorite

audience member,

Eddie Krumble, The Clapper!

[CHEERING]

Thank you, Eddie, please.

Oh, man!

I gotta tell you,

it's a real pleasure

finally meeting the man

behind the, uh,

the clapping, I guess.

Yeah, sure.

Okay, Eddie Krumble,

you're a clapper?

- Yeah.

- [laughter]

Tell us how this works.

So you get paid to clap?

- Yeah, and laugh sometimes.

- When things aren't funny.

Sure, yeah, like when

they're supposed to be funny,

but they're not?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- You're preaching to the choir.

- Yeah.

The Chris cam,

ladies and gentlemen.

[APPLAUSE]

There he is, right there.

Does he know you're doing that?

- Does he know you're filming?

- Absolutely not.

That's what makes it so great.

- Hmm.

- So anyway,

somewhere along the way,

you sent your friend Chris

in here

uh, with a self-ransom note

to collect a million-dollar

bounty on you, funny enough,

is that right?

Well, we tried

calling your producer guy,

and he said that you didn't

pay anybody to come on the show,

so they offered us like

a toaster or something, right?

- It's a nice toaster.

- I mean, what is that?

What do you give the big stars

that come on here,

like Van Damme or somebody?

He's not gonna take a toaster.

I gotta be honest with you.

Nowadays I think Van Damme

would be happy with

a pizza pocket, huh?

But guess what. You're here,

and that's all that matters.

[CHEERING]

Yeah, all right, yeah,

so, you know, I...

Your guy said that people

come on here to promote things,

but I didn't have

anything to promote,

so I thought maybe

I could come on the show

and promote trying

to find Judy.

That's... Yeah.

'Cause of the promoting thing

- Look at your boy.

- [KLAXON BLARING]

Look at him.

He's all comfortable, legs up.

He's reading that book

[LAUGHS]

He's reading a book.

What are you laughing at?

- WOMAN:
Clap for us, Clapper!

- Yeah!

You see what I'm saying?

That's what I'm talking about.

Like what is that?

You wanted to clap?

What is that for?

[KLAXON]

How is that funny

or interesting?

Like this? What is that?

I don't get it.

Man, Eddie, take a deep breath,

all right?

You wanna make a big joke

out of me, go ahead.

That's fine. The only reason

I came here is 'cause I thought

is it's the only way

I could find her, right?

I thought maybe somebody

out there might know her

or can just

talk to her and tell her

that I just want to see her and

talk to her and sort things out.

- That's it, right?

- AUDIENCE:
Awww!

Yeah, awww!

Save the sympathy, all right?

That's what I'm here for,

just to promote finding her.

Do you have a picture?

Maybe a description,

an artist's rendition,

a caricature, something?

- We'll use, uh...

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Well, yeah,

I mean, she's like...

She's beautiful, right?

She's got this like

kinda blond mousy thing

going on with her hair,

but beautiful.

And not in like a normal

beautiful way,

but beautiful, beautiful.

AUDIENCE:
Aww.

Kinda like a cute emoji,

I'm picturing, you know?

But I think we're starting

to get you, Eddie.

So here's what we do now, guys.

Her name is Judy.

She has mousy hair

that's kind of beautiful,

but not normal kind

of beautiful, right?

And she was recently fired

from a gas station,

and we need you

to help us find her

because we will reunite

Eddie Krumble and Judy

right here on this show!

DJ Spider, play us out.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

- You guys crushed it.

- Yes!

And we were wondering if you

would be willing to go out,

with pay, of course,

for one of our Stillerman

On The Street segments.

It was nice of you guys

to have us on the show,

but you'll let us know

if anybody calls.

- What?

- How much you paying?

We understand the situation

you guys are in financially,

both of you, and...

we're willing to do

whatever we can to help.

We're talking a monster payday

here for you, okay?

We are prepared to give you

$5,000 per appearance,

with a minimum guarantee

of five appearances.

All we're asking of you

is exactly what

you came to us for.

Help us all find Judy.

Oh, you ain't gotta do

no convincing here.

That's great.

Eddie, are you in?

That's it.

No other stuff like... Yeah?

- No.

- No.

Uh, yeah, yeah.

I mean, if that's all

we're doing, no other stuff.

You know what?

Okay, all right.

- Oh, that is great.

- Sound like we got a deal.

- Tina, get us some contracts.

- Guys, I love your faces.

Tina! Ohh!

Where the f*** are you?

- And action!

- Hi, I'm Eddie Krumble.

I'm here at the gas station

where Judy used to work.

She doesn't work here anymore

'cause she got fired.

Off to the side, tip it.

Let's see the Chyron.

Um, wait, can I do it again?

Don't look at me.

Look at the camera.

You're lookin' at me.

Don't look at me.

I know I'm talking to you,

but don't look at me.

Don't look at me.

Look at the camera.

You're looking at me again.

[LAUGHTER]

Go talk to that attendant,

ask about Judy,

where she is,

all that kind of stuff.

- That guy?

- Yes.

I'm not talking to that guy.

Anyone who blocks my pumps

is dead forever.

You can hit a strip club

in about 10 minutes.

We're gonna be completely

out of your hair.

I got a picture of your mother

right here by Dairy Queen.

Yeah, I'm sure you got a

yellow Mercedes Benz.

- That's wonderful, sir.

- I can sit here and jack off.

No, don't put that out there.

I want to make love

to everybody here.

Not you, sir.

You disgust me.

This is Eddie and Chris

for The Stillerman Show.

Have you seen Judy?

Yes, I saw a Judy.

Excuse me, Homo sapiens skull,

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