The Clapper Page #6

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I need that producer's number.

What's his name?

Ratso or something?

Right? Come on!

Hi. Um...

You got singles?

Sure.

It's for the computer,

you know.

There ya go.

The computer's, uh...

It's got a search thing on it?

Yeah, we just had

a search thing installed on 'em.

[PHONE RINGS]

[RINGING CONTINUES]

Ma.

Eddie Krumble,

this is Jonathan Cadwell

from The Stillerman Show.

And believe me when I tell you

we know who you are.

You are The Clapper.

You moved here in 2008.

You have a girlfriend

that works at

the Mobil station.

You have several

unresolved fix-it tickets

and a warrant for

an unpaid littering ticket

dating back nearly a decade.

Shall I go on?

Listen, man,

how'd you get this number?

Eddie, this is Raf Ranter.

Look, we're not interested

in what you do

legally or illegally.

We're just interested in you.

CADWELL:
You're the biggest

thing since Stupid Pet Tricks.

Yeah? Save the compliments for

somebody who's looking for some.

And I'm not comfortable

with this being on television

unless I'm getting paid.

You hear me? Paid.

RAF:
Eddie, just keep this

between you and me.

There's a driver waiting

outside your apartment.

- What?

- Yeah.

He's been instructed to take

you to the Hilton in Burbank,

where you have a suite

waiting for you,

for an all-expenses paid

little vacation, all right?

And it's free, okay?

Your buddy Chris

is super-pumped.

- Chris?

- We just got off the phone.

He gave us your number.

I hope that's okay with you.

And tonight is the night

we want you to be on the show.

Okay, so you're cool to pay?

How much are we talking about?

CADWELL:
We have

a very strict policy.

We do not and cannot pay

our guests to appear, but...

RAF:
But the exposure can

lead to a lot of things.

A lot of great things.

Exposure?

[LAUGHS]

I can't pay phone bills

with exposure, you know?

You cost me my job,

my friend Chris's job.

Why can't you just lay off

and stop harassing my girl?

[KNOCKING]

He said they pay people

with home appliances.

These people,

they're so cheap.

You realize they get

that stuff for free, Chris?

It's like on one of our shows

when they give us, you know,

the book the guy's promoting

or the window cleaner

or whatever.

You gotta stop answering the

phone when they call, please.

Can you do that? Just don't

answer the phone when they call,

unless they're gonna pay us,

and then it's a different

conversation,

but like up till now...

I don't think they can pay

people to be on their show.

He tried laying that one me too.

I'm not buying it.

They're making like

a million bucks a day, easy.

Well, they pay people

by promoting them.

The only thing they're promoting

is me being an idiot,

and I don't want that,

all right?

Up till now, it's just been

bad news, all right, Chris?

Where's Judy?

Sorry, sir,

Judy's been replaced.

Who are you? What's...

What are you talking about?

She was causing some type of

commotion with a bunch of people

that kept coming back

with cameras,

blocking the pumps

or something.

Mr. Hercules, the boss,

he didn't like that.

- Fired her on the spot.

- Are you kidding me?

Do you have any idea

where she is?

Uh, home, probably. Home.

Probably looking

for another job

'cause she's unemployed

right now.

Is she gonna be by later

or something?

What are you talking about?

No, no, she's definitely

been let go.

- She's not coming back.

- Do you have her number?

Nah, that would be

privileged information.

No way! You're that guy.

That guy from TV, The Clapper.

- No, that's not me.

- Hey, baby!

It's that guy

from The Stillerman Show!

- I'm just looking for Judy.

- Naw, you're him.

I seen you on the show

last night on the TV.

I knew I recognized him.

Can I take a picture?

I knew I recognized you.

You're The Clapper.

- You're so funny, man.

- It's not me.

- He's phenomenal.

- Not me.

- Yeah, you're The Clapper.

- Okay, no.

Can I take a picture

for the booth, please?

- No, no, no.

- Just one picture.

- No big deal.

- Come on.

ATTENDANT:
Don't be that guy!

You're being that guy

right now.

MAN:
There ya go.

It's The Clapper!

THICKE [ON TV]:
What you're

talking about here

is almost an acre of property

for pennies on the dollar.

AUDIENCE:

Pennies on the dollar!

Pennies on the dollar!

Pennies on the dollar!

THICKE:
And at Tranquil Estates,

there are seven lakes

bustling with catfish,

thirteen playgrounds,

and three golf courses.

Now that's the good news.

The bad news,

full disclosure here,

they're also planning

an entire slew

of retail outlet stores,

and each one of them...

[BRAKES SQUEALING]

ANNOUNCER:
Lumber Liquidators.

Hardwood floors for life.

THICKE:
Hi, folks, you know,

you can spend a fortune

and wait a lifetime

for your favorite artist

to come to your town

on a promotional tour,

or you can let us

do it for you.

Here's Brian Wilson, live,

promoting his new CD

of greatest hits,

singing one of my favorites,

"Love and Mercy."

[MUSIC BEGINS]

I was sittin'

In a crummy movie

- With my hands on my chin

- [APPLAUSE]

Thank you.

All the violence

That occurs

Seems like we never win

Love and mercy

That's what you need

Tonight

Love and mercy tonight

THICKE:
Yes, yes,

you gotta love it.

Hey, when you really want

to reach out to people,

what better way than

right here on TV, isn't it?

[APPLAUSE]

Hey, Chris.

How ya doing?

- You must be...

- Yeah, no, I'm Eddie, right?

The Clapper or whatever.

And it's great

to finally meet you.

We've spoken already.

This is Jonathan Cadwell.

- He's our showrunner.

- How ya doing?

He's gonna quickly brief you

on a couple of the briefings.

Good stuff. Mr. Krumble,

just so we're clear,

you understand there'll be no

monetary compensation for this.

- Correct?

- But we have excellent prizes.

- We do.

- And goodie bags.

Who doesn't want

a new yoga ball?

- Am I right?

- It's all good, man.

I'm just here to promote, right?

That's the thing. I'm gonna

promote looking for Judy.

Of course, absolutely.

Chris got me up to speed.

We have her information.

Judy from the gas station.

She worked at a gas station.

She's not from a gas station.

I'll make a note. I'm gonna

log it away up here. Good stuff.

If there's any funny business,

we're outta here.

- No funny business.

- Eddie-cakes,

I'm offended

you'd even think that.

- What?

- Eddie Crumpets?

- No.

- Crumblecakes.

He don't really eat

cake like that.

Nothing with cake, right?

Eddie, we're here to find Judy.

That's what we're gonna do.

We good?

You guys feel good?

- CHRIS:
Yeah.

- Let's find Judy.

Gentlemen, this is

Dr. Rogers Hay.

He's another guest

on the show tonight.

Please make yourselves

comfortable.

Hey, hey, Dr. Hay,

loved your book.

Well, my assistant did,

you know, so...

This might be the first book

I read in 10 years.

You're the total package, buddy,

and you know which one

I'm talking about.

RAF:
We'll be right back.

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