The Clapper Page #5

---

one more time?

[LAUGHS]

[EXPLOSION]

I'm... I'm here to see

the producer guy

for the TV shows, the TV.

His name is Ralph Ratner.

I'm here for a meeting.

The TV guy, a meeting.

Chris!

Chris Plork!

- Chris Plork, it's Raf.

- Hi.

Ralph Ranter,

from The Stillerman Show,

- We spoke on the phone.

- Yeah.

Awesome, man.

Is he here with you?

- No. The Clapper?

- Yeah.

No, he's not here.

He just gave me this letter,

said deliver it

to Mr. Stillerman and go.

- Wow.

- And that's what I want to do.

Mr. Stillerman,

that's my boss.

I can bring you to him now.

You want to come inside?

- Yeah.

- All right,

He's good.

We can let him in.

Chris, listen to me.

Now, if you don't mind,

obviously you don't,

I'm gonna go take it to Jayme.

He's gonna check it out.

In the meantime, I want you

just to hang here: green room.

Help yourself

to whatever you like.

- See you in a bit.

- Okay.

[MUZAK PLAYS]

[SIGHS]

No.

RAF:
Number one trending topic

on Twitter is

"Who is The Clapper?"

It's your call.

What do you think?

I don't know. I don't know much

about the guy.

What if he's dangerous?

Right. That's a valid point.

What if this guy,

he drops a secret word,

he launches a terrorist cell?

Then what? My kids are

going to public school.

He's not a cell. He's presently

afraid to eat our sushi.

Literally.

CADWELL:
He makes

a good point, J. Stills.

What do you think?

Just say f*** it. Let's do it.

- F*** it, let's do it.

- Let's put him on. Tina?

Ladies and gentlemen,

it is my pleasure

to introduce you to our

very own insider, Chris Plork.

- [MUSIC PLAYS]

- [CHEERING]

CADWELL:
No, no, no!

Just give him the letter and go.

Doing great, turn around.

Good to see you, Chris.

Welcome, Chris.

This is Sarah,

Victoria's Secret model.

Hey, Sarah.

You all may recognize Chris,

who we previously met

on one of our

"Out on the Street" segments,

So, Chris,

tell us why you're here.

Those two guys.

My producer Raf?

Yeah. Those two guys told me

to come sit this way.

That'd be Raf, our producer,

and Cadwell.

They told you the right thing,

'cause this is

where it all happens.

I don't think

I should be here.

No, no, Chris, stop thinking.

You should be here.

And I tell you that because

I need you to be confused

when I tell you

these things.

Now I understand you have

some sort of letter,

a list of demands

from The Clapper?

His demands?

I don't know.

Well, let's read 'em.

I don't think

I should read it.

Yeah!

Read it, yeah!

I don't know

if I should read it.

- I don't, I don't.

- I think you should read it.

We all think

you should read it.

Everybody at home thinks

you should read it.

DJ Spider thinks

you should read it.

- Whoo!

- Read it!

- Yeah!

- Read it, yeah!

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

Read it, read it!

All right.

"A message to Mr. Stiller-mer.

I see that you have

found an interest

in my clapping, I guess."

- [LAUGHTER]

- I guess?

Yeah, he wrote "I guess."

is right there.

- He wrote I guess?

- Yeah, he...

That's pretty funny of him,

I guess.

"It also seems to me that you

would like to meet in person

on your show.

I do not know how much

your normally pay guests,

however me and my friend

would be happy to appear

for one million dollars."

One million dollars?

"Enclosed is proof

of who I am..."

Wait. Hold the phone there

a second.

- Did you say a million dollars?

- Yeah.

Well, thank you

for the discount.

I want to get paid that

as well.

So do I. That's a lot of money.

Hold on a second.

Can somebody pull up my next

guest on the monitor for me?

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mark Cuban.

What's up, Jayme?

Mark, you're a billionaire.

Let me ask you a question.

How much are we paying you

to be on the show?

Not a damn thing, Jayme.

Just this amazing spread

of food that's awesome.

JAYME:
Thank you, Mark.

- What?

- Are you out of your mind?

Hmm? I mean, are you

out of your mind, man?

It was so simple. All you had

to do was give him the note.

That's it.

CHRIS [ON TV]:
Shark Tank.

I love that show.

- They asked me to read it.

- Yeah, of course they did.

That's how they do it.

They just...

[GROANS]

You weren't supposed

to go on TV, Chris.

Now you're in it,

you realize that?

You just got roped in

over the airwaves.

That's probably a federal

offense or something.

I don't know.

We could go to jail.

- They thought it was funny.

- I don't know what's funny.

We're broke.

How's that funny?

- Funny.

- I gotta think about this.

I gotta think.

I gotta...

I gotta go home

and think about this.

I gotta go home and think

about this, and that's it.

JAYME:
We are getting closer

and closer to The Clapper.

"If that is too much money

that we are asking for,

please let us know

how much can happen.

Thank you."

Oh, wow, look at who it is.

Mr. Movie Star, huh?

Yeah, you piece of sh*t.

Where are you going, buddy?

Huh? You don't want to stay in

Hollywood?

Hi. Where's your camera?

Oh, Mr. Movie Star, huh?

Okay.

Hey, buddy, get out of here.

That's right, go.

And don't bring your f***ing

movie cameras here again.

Haul ass.

Judy! Judy!

Eddie, you can't

let him see you.

You can't let him

see you, Eddie.

What? Who?

What are you talking about?

Some people came by tonight,

asking questions.

They had a photograph of you.

They were blocking the pump.

Hercules was just going nuts.

And they said they were

following you.

Like following you.

And then they had this guy

with a camera.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Are you in trouble, Eddie?

No, I'm not in trouble

exactly,

but I mean, sort of.

Remember the Stillerman thing

that I mentioned?

They got it in for me somehow.

They're basically stalking me.

- Stalking?

- Yeah.

Mm-mm, no, Eddie, you didn't

say anything about stalking.

I don't know about that,

but Hercules knows

that we are friends,

and we can't just have

the police show up.

- Police?

- And that can't happen.

It's just a TV guy.

I like you, Eddie,

I really do,

but I need my job,

and I know it's a stupid,

stupid, stupid job,

but I need it,

and you know that.

- Of course I know that.

- It's stupid, I know.

Yes, it's fine,

but I need the job, Eddie.

And you know

that I need the job.

- I get it.

- But is it about your shows?

I don't understand.

I mean, sh*t!

- It's just a...

- Thing with the Growing Pains,

and you were with a TV star

or something?

- Alan Thicke.

- Is that what it is?

It's not funny, Eddie.

- This isn't funny.

- No, I know. It's not funny.

I'm not saying it's funny.

I'm sorry.

I should've told you before.

What?

- It's embarrassing.

- What's embarrassing?

The thing.

I don't know.

- What?

- Well, how do I explain it?

- It's like a...

- I have to go to work.

- I'm going to work now.

- This is coming out all wrong.

No. Yes, I am!

I'm gonna fix it!

I'm gonna fix it, Judy.

I'm so sorry.

Chris, wake up.

Come on.

Chris.

Chris, come on, wake up, man.

Wake up.

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