The Competition Page #5

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they don't want to screw it up,

so expect a big presence.

Do you really think "gaggle"

is the best collective term

to use for a group

of attorneys?

I'd think it'd be something

more sinister like "murder."

No, no, the crows

have that one.

- Do they? Crows.

- Mm-hmm.

What about "onslaught"?

Onslaught! Ah, yes.

Kids... focus! OK.

Uh, you are going to be

staying at the Seattle Weston,

get in Thursday night,

depo is in the morning.

OK, but when

do we get back?

Paul's got plenty

of milk,

but Maddy's got

a soccer game

this weekend and she

is gonna lose her mind

- if I'm not there.

- It's not a problem.

You'll be back Friday night.

I want you to be prepared

but don't over-work yourselves.

Take some personal time

Thursday night, grab a drink.

I doubt we'll have time for that kind

of thing, but dinner might be nice.

Dinner, drinks,

on Thursday... OK.

So, that's 32.50 each

plus 6.25 for your beer

and we can split the tip?

What do you say, six each?

Sounds good. Thank you.

Very precise,

this whole thing.

You know, I never thought

I'd say this,

but I actually look forward

to these business trips.

The crappy bar food,

the cheap wine,

and this... silence.

Ah, come on, you've got

the perfect life,

you've got two great kids,

happy marriage.

I wish I had that.

No, you don't.

What are you talking about?

It always looks like

you and Paul

are having

such a great time.

That's Facebook, Calvin.

It isn't real.

My children are monsters.

We used to have fun though,

back when we had sex.

God, we used

to have great sex!

But you can't have sex

with a baby on your tit.

No, I imagine you can't.

Physically,

it's practically impossible.

It gets in the way.

Unless you hold it off

to the side

which you can practically do

because your b*obs

get really long!

And there's the term.

And your vagina

is never the same.

When they say you can

push a bowling ball

through there they're not

kidding, because it gets ginormous!

And there's stuff

flying out of there,

stuff you've

never seen before.

Some people keep it,

some people eat it!

OK! You want to order

some coffee here?

Kegels, Please!

I can hardly

hold my own pee in!

My vagina is dead.

I have a dead vagina.

That's a lot of talk

about your vagina here.

Ease up, Calvin.

Your mother's vagina went

through the exact same thing.

Not something I care

to discuss either.

God! These are

going to burst.

Sorry! Yeah,

that one got away from me.

I better pull the plug.

Yeah.

Calvin, you'll never guess

who I bumped into...

This is Brandon.

Coxx. Dr. Coxx.

Dr. Coxx noticed

my breast pump

and we got to talking, and it

turns out he's a specialist.

He helps women recover

who have had multiple births.

Ooh! Have a seat!

So, Dr. Coxx,

what are you, like,

a plastic surgeon?

Nothing quite so drastic.

I work with the body

and the mind.

I help women to rediscover

their inner selves

so they can get in tune

with their bodies

and re-awaken

their sexual being.

How does it work? Can

you do me? Can you fix me?

It's a series of meditations

to relax the mind

and intimate massage

techniques to relax the body.

It gets the blood flowing again

in all the right places.

Brings everything

back to life.

So, doctor,

you seem pretty young.

How old are you?

It's true, I'm young.

I graduated college

when I was 16,

and completed

my medical training overseas.

Europe is where it's at.

Sex is celebrated

there at every age.

We Americans have

it all wrong.

I'm trying

to change that.

A savior of sorts.

Yeah.

I'm sorry I'm staring.

It's just that you have

the most beautiful eyes.

I do?

It's just...

Do you mind?

Yes. There she is.

You definitely have the

vibrant sexual being in there.

I could help you find it.

OK... This is great stuff,

but, uh, Sharon,

it's getting late.

We've got

that early meeting.

We should probably

get your card and head up.

- We've got an early day tomorrow.

- Calvin!

We're work colleagues, no!

Why don't we order

some more drinks

and talk about this some more?

I think it's fascinating!

Yeah!

Fascinating!

The mistake that people make

with their lovers is forcefulness.

You have to approach

these areas tenderly.

You have to gently coax

and gently coax some more

so that the body

reaches for it,

desires the touch.

God, that makes

so much sense!

Uhh, wow.

Sharon, look at the time,

we should probably go!

Yeah, we should.

Can I walk you?

No, no. There's no need,

I'll walk her.

Sharon,

is this your key card?

Actually,

a walk would be nice.

Thank you, Dr. Coxx.

But we have that meeting...

in the morning.

Surely there's no time

for a walk.

Calvin, I'm a grown woman.

I know when I need a walk.

- Shall we?

- Of course.

Grab my jacket.

Goodnight!

Tucker Aaronson and Walden,

may I help you?

Uh, let me transfer you.

Wow, those are

some ugly panties.

Yeah, they, uh...

for a case.

We are working on the case of

the terrible granny panties, so...

Must be a big case!

It is. It is...

- Hold all my calls.

- OK.

Sharon Gottlieb?

You might as well have told me

that size really doesn't matter

and that the female orgasm

is made of rainbows.

Well, I'm sorry that she surprised

you, but she didn't surprise me.

It's probably been

a long time

since a man has looked at her

like that, you know?

We gave her a golden opportunity

and she took it.

She's clearly a sad woman with a

blown-out vagina that needed tending.

I really wish I didn't know

that about her.

But it's not everyone.

It's not even the majority.

But it is.

That's what

I've been trying to tell you.

You're wrong about people.

It's not that simple.

Yeah, well,

I wish it weren't.

You know, the tragic thing?

That a 220-pound man

wears smiley-faced boxers?

OK. OK, what's tragic?

Well, the tragic thing

is that if you win,

your blog lives on

and you get to write your book,

but you and I get six months,

and then... it's over.

I mean, six months is...

God, that's nothing.

Hey kids, how we doing?

Simon, my man!

We are doing fantastic.

As a matter of fact,

we've got some great news.

That loan for the penis

extension finally came through?

This guy.

No man, um,

Lauren and I

are getting married.

Wow, I mean...

Wow, that was quick!

Yeah. I'm not pregnant.

Well then,

drinks are on the house.

Hey, thank you, brother.

And listen, I'd love to have

the bachelor party

right here at Tucci's. Is the back

room available for Saturday night?

- It's all yours.

- Awesome! Awesome!

And we'll head back to my place

after for some shenanigans?

Yeah, love it.

- Huh?

- Bachelor party, huh?

- Shenanigans?

- Hey, come on,

what better opportunity

for someone to cheat

than a bachelor party?

It's practically

in the handbook.

- I knew there was a handbook.

- Uh-huh.

Listen, two of our competitors

are going to be there

and you only need one

to cheat

for this competition

to be over,

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