The Con Is On Page #5

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Tell her I clean up after her morning,

noon, and night and I want some respect.

I mean, she's lazy. She's disagreeable.

She's spoilt.

I'm sick of her pissing and

shitting all over the place.

- [doorbell rings]

- That's the door, Peter.

- What?

- Dog whisperer.

I've already got one, mate.

Hola, seora.

Y ahora esta qu trae?

- Con permiso.

- Ay, Dios, ella habla espaol.

Su empleadora

quiere que le diga...

Qu? Qu?

- [whispering, indistinct]

- Ay!

[speaking in Spanish]

[Jackie]

Here she is.

[gasps]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Peter.

You won't believe

what Juanita just did.

That was incredible.

Thank God that the dog whisperer

was here as a witness.

I prefer pet communicator.

Oh, for f***'s sake.

Buenos das.

[whimpering]

[Harry sighs]

Y tu problema?

S.

S.

S.

S.

Entiendo.

Well, what's she saying?

I'm sorry.

She has a lot of resentments.

It's hard to keep track.

Well, tell her that I have a few

complaints of my own. Firstly...

S.

S.

S.

S, s.

She says she's disappointed.

This is not

what she was led to expect.

Well, that's quite

ungrateful of her.

I mean, does she have any idea

how privileged she actually is,

and to be adopted

by a celebrity?

She said she's never

heard of you.

That little b*tch.

And I suppose she's never heard

of Gabriel, either.

[snorting]

[Harry] She doesn't think

he's very talented.

Rather mediocre, in fact.

- Ha!

- Peter, shut the f*** up.

[Harry] She's saying you

got off on the wrong foot.

She thinks you're depressed.

She says she sees you

crying sometimes,

and it makes her very, very sad.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I mean, I had no idea

that she was so insightful.

She's trying

to tell me something.

Something about

some new piece of jewelry.

[Jackie] No, no, no.

It must be my... my ring.

It's my ring. It's my ring.

Does she like it?

She's saying that... that

she's jealous of the ring.

She's saying that you wear it too much,

and I think she'd like to borrow it.

What do you take me for?

Dogs don't wear rings.

I'm not an idiot.

Do you know what I think?

I think that she's having you on.

She's a little minx.

[whimpering]

[Jackie]

Do you promise me you'll stay?

It's how I work.

I move in...

get to know the dog.

Work with the family.

It's a holistic thing.

A whole lot of healing.

[liquid pouring]

Who the hell are you?

What do you mean?

It's the dog whisperer.

Pet communicator.

When I called and made

the appointment,

the person on the other end

of the line was a man.

I had a hangover.

Literally...

a man.

Conchita warned me about her. She

doesn't like the way she touches her.

- She touches her?

- Yes.

I only touch her with feeling.

Chita, walkies.

I don't think so, you weirdo. There's

been quite enough of that already.

Chita's my twin.

We have a connection.

No one understands.

[tapping]

[cell phone ringing]

[clatter]

Oh, I better get a new glass.

- Hi.

- It's Vivien.

I can't really talk right now.

- It's not a very good time.

- Vivien.

Oh.

- [Gina] Vivien.

- Right.

Don't get up.

[Jackie] Now, Peter,

I'm so glad you're here,

and I really do want you

to stay as long as you like.

Because now that b*tch wife

has left you,

I really feel it's my duty

to take care of you.

Well, thank you, Jackie.

She's always let me down.

I know, and you're better off without her.

I did beg you not to marry her.

[Peter]

If only I'd listened.

Horrendous woman.

- I hate her.

- You've never met her.

I don't have to meet her

to hate her.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Yeah, I hate her, too.

I loathe her.

[Jackie] Yes, because she

fleeced you for all you had.

I mean,

she treated you shamefully.

You see, they met in rehab.

I mean, what kind of person

does one meet in rehab?

Huh. Maybe it wasn't her fault.

Maybe it was a court order.

Yeah. I suppose I wouldn't be surprised. I

mean, we know nothing about her, do we?

We don't know about her

family, or anything. She's...

She's probably trash.

And, you know, don't forget

that time she abandoned you.

For all those months on end, and

left you to fend for yourself.

I mean, God knows what she got up to.

She's such a slag.

I mean, when I think of all the

things that she did to you...

[exhales] Everybody

makes mistakes, don't they?

No, don't defend her.

He went to jail because of her.

I had to bail him out.

[Gabriel]

I had to bail him out!

Vivien, I can't talk right now.

- [Vivien] Are you with her?

- No.

- Are you f***ing her?

- No.

You stupid bastard.

You said you loved me.

Now love me.

[Gabriel sighs]

Vivien...

[chuckles] I... No.

I want you. I want you to f*** me.

[nervous laughter]

No.

- I can't talk right now.

- You coward.

It's the f***ing awards

tomorrow.

Why don't I just go on stage

and I tell the whole world

that you're f***ing me?

Tomorrow...

[sighs]

after the awards,

I'll talk to you,

and we'll clear everything up,

about Jackie and what to do.

I am going to cut your little balls,

and I'm gonna feed them to you.

- Pendejo.

- I've gotta... I've gotta go. Bye.

You're not gonna sound like a

victim anymore. Piece of sh*t!

[phone clatters]

If I met her,

I'd spit in her face.

- Oh, would you?

- Yeah, I would.

- Really? Astonishing.

- [footsteps]

Wow.

Wow.

You look very, uh...

Hmm.

I'm a filmmaker.

Have you acted?

For God's sake, Gabriel. She's

the dog whisperer. I told you.

Pet communicator.

[urine trickling]

Oh. Conchita's pissing on my chair.

What do you think she wants?

Oh.

She said you have

a bad attitude.

You talk to the dog?

[whimpers]

- Hi.

- [Gina] Hi.

- Did you see my movie?

- I love your movie.

Mediocre?

Are you my enemy?

No. No. I'm your lover.

I love you.

- Mediocre.

- [Gina] No. No.

Mediocre.

Right. Well, you take her, then.

I have to say, I'm not particularly

impressed by your skills.

She is worse than ever.

Now, where's f***ing Juanita

with the food?

[goat bleats]

[speaking Spanish]

[sighs]

That c*nt is really

starting to piss me off.

We need to sort this

right now.

Let's go speak to Sidney.

[barking]

[exhales]

No luck, I'm afraid.

[door opens]

- [Sidney sits in seat]

- [door closes]

She's around.

[Sidney] Well, that was the

last of the five-star hotels.

I really can't see her slumming it

in some squalid motel, can you?

She is, if nothing else, a lady.

Take me somewhere.

I want to get f***ed up.

[engine starts, revs]

[twangy guitar music playing]

Dry martini with a twist.

[sniffs]

[Sidney moans]

Thank you, Kim Kim.

Oh, you are a good puppy.

- Evening.

- Harry.

Oh, my word,

how wonderful to see you.

- I've been looking everywhere for you.

- Really?

Tea? Tea.

You'll have some tea.

Kim Kim,

fetch some tea for the lady.

Oh, and Kim Kim, uh,

we aren't to be disturbed.

[tapping on glass]

- [Harry] Sidney, darling?

- [Sidney] Hmm?

Something's come up,

something quite large.

I was hoping you might be

of some assistance.

Intriguing. Have some.

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