The Con Is On Page #6

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Fresh from the battlefields

of Afghanistan.

[lit opium crackling]

[exhaling]

[muffled]

Oh, yeah.

Let me be Mother.

Oh, I...

Don't mind if I do.

[chuckles]

[metal clinking]

Now.

[Sidney chuckles] Oh.

- Oh, that's plenty.

- Oh, no. Not quite.

- A little more.

- [Sidney chuckling]

- [lit opium crackling]

- Mmm.

Now, don't be wasteful.

- Oh, steady on, my dear.

- Come on.

You know what I love

about you, darling?

You're a girl who knows

how to have a good...

[exhales]

Oh...

[moans]

[lighter clatters]

[labored breathing]

[grunts]

[panting]

[grunts]

You stole from me,

and then you leave me?

Oh. I was just on my way

to pay you back.

Via Los Angeles?

I got a little sidetracked.

You're good at so many things,

Harry, but not lying.

It was all Peter's fault.

Yes, he blew all your cash

and made me run away.

But I knew you'd come for me.

God, I've missed you.

Where is the money, Harry?

Well...

I'm working on it.

That's why I'm here.

So you don't have it.

[blade clicks]

I love you, Harry.

But now I'm going

to f*** you up.

There's a ring, a beautiful

one, worth millions of pounds.

And I'm gonna

nick it for you.

- You're lying.

- No.

It's for us.

Think about it.

Me, you...

and millions of pounds.

[laughs]

And what about

the idiot you married?

[laughs] Oh, Peter. Oh, forget him.

Sidney can have him.

[laughing]

You really are a cold-hearted

b*tch, aren't you?

Now...

come on, love.

Pour us a drink

and let's talk.

I must have nodded off.

- What happened?

- It's all worked out.

I handled it expertly.

In what sense?

We're getting married.

Gabriel is leaving Jackie.

We're getting married.

- What, you and Jackie?

- Me and Gabriel.

Oh, I see.

[Gina thuds]

[plastic clattering]

We're gonna take

the ring tonight.

Eh?

- Sidney's gonna stage a break-in.

- Well, Sidney's a f***ing snake.

He's an expert in his field, so

I suggest you shut the f*** up.

Are you insane?

The next time I see you,

you'll be in jail.

- You going somewhere?

- Oh, yes I am.

[applause]

I'm a wreck.

I've never been so happy

in my life.

We have worked so hard for this.

So hard.

So hard. We've worked so hard.

So hard.

Gabriel?

Gabriel.

Ow.

Uh... [sighs]

[music playing on TV]

[applause]

[puffing]

Yes.

What did you take?

I don't know.

But it was very,

very, very good.

Oh, well. You might have saved some

for me, then, for f***'s sake.

Sidney will be here soon.

[Peter laughs]

What are you gonna do?

Cut her hand off

and stuff it up his cassock?

[laughing]

You think this'll work?

This won't work.

It's never gonna work.

[Harry]

We have no choice.

Best Director goes to... us.

- [applause]

- Best Director goes to...

Gabriel Anderson

for Le Rouge et le Noir.

[screams and laughs]

Yes! Yes.

I wasn't expecting this,

and I'm not prepared.

Uh...

This is so much more than me.

I'd like to dedicate this

to my muse.

Gina.

Vivien Prince.

[applause]

[Jackie] His muse.

His muse.

- [shoes clatter]

- His muse.

His f***ing muse.

F***ing muse!

- Om.

- Shut the f*** up, Gurmukh! It don't work!

- F*** off, Hans. F*** off.

- Thank you, Jackie.

[Jackie]

I'm moving back to England.

I mean, you have no idea what I

have been through with Gabriel.

And to be humiliated like that,

in front of 500 million people.

[groans] Conchita wants you to stay.

She wants you to work things out.

[Hans]

I have an announcement.

There's something you should

know about this woman who...

- What's the matter with him?

- I don't know. He seemed upset.

I don't blame him.

What was he saying?

Something about Conchita.

Conchita knows,

and that's why she's so upset.

Gabriel has been

taking her to set.

And the three of them have been doing

it in his trailer and in his bed.

Right. I need to talk to her.

Come on. We're going.

What happened? Where am I?

Where is he?

He's a liar.

I'll kill him.

You will die.

[Jackie] Tell Conchita

not to spare my feelings.

[Gina]

Help. Let me out.

Let me out.

Oh, my God.

Help. I'm cold.

Let me out.

- It's Gina.

- Oh.

I'm here.

- Gina, where are you?

- I'm in the freezer. Peter locked me in.

- Peter, is that true?

- No, no.

He said he loved me.

- Peter, you didn't.

- I'll kill you.

Oh, Gina.

I know you're upset.

It's been a long day for everyone

and we are all very, very tired

and very emotional.

So why don't you go and

make us some hot cocoa?

Gabriel said

that he loved me.

Well, a second ago

you were in love with Peter.

It's all rather fickle,

I must say.

I'm really starting

to see your side of this.

Right?

This?

[Hans] Halt.

What are you doing here,

und who are you?

We're friends of Harry. We've come

to see her. Is she... Is she here?

She is a criminal,

and you are intruders.

I'm calling the polizei.

Well, if you're going

to wear shorts like that,

you must expect to be shot,

mustn't you?

- I won.

- You're a genius.

- You are the most amazing...

- I won. I won. I won.

- What's she doing here?

- I won.

- Honey, we need to talk.

- I won.

- Oh, piss off.

- [Gabriel] I won.

- Pendeja.

- I won.

- Tell her.

- Tell her what?

[Vivien]

Gabriel and I are in love.

He's leaving you

because we're getting married.

I didn't say

I was leaving her.

- You said you loved me.

- He loves me.

He said he loved me.

- [screams]

- [flowerpot breaks]

Yes.

You bastard.

F*** you

and your f***ing ring.

Jackie.

[clink]

Yes, bastard.

Where are they?

- Who are you?

- Who the f*** are you?

Who is she? You're also

f***ing a Russian hooker?

- Give me the ring. Now.

- [Jackie] What?

Give it to me or I shoot him.

Yes, go ahead. Be my guest.

It's not in her possession.

She f***ed me.

Where is Harry and Peter?

- Harry and Peter?

- Harry and Peter?

That's...

Oh, that... Oh.

Harriet? That's a disaster.

That b*tch f***ed me again.

Did she?

I am happy for you.

- You made up.

- We have to find her.

- I think it's a bit late for...

- I will slit your f***ing throat myself.

We have to find her.

I suggest we start

in the kitchen.

Lots of hiding places there.

I'll light it.

So, let me get this straight.

Who's getting f***ed over

on this one, me or Irina?

Darling, I was just

trying to keep her sweet.

Oh, well, great work on that one.

Well done, mate.

- [gunshots]

- Jesus. F***.

- Where's the ring, Harry?

- Irina.

Irina.

[Harry] Irina.

Got the ring.

Just like I promised.

You promised you, me,

and millions of pounds.

Peter, darling,

I really need your help.

Irina, just put

the gun down now.

And I'll throw you the ring.

And you let us go.

- Come on.

- [car door opens]

[car engine starting]

[grunts]

[tense music playing]

[groans]

[gasping]

[music ends]

How long do you think

we're gonna live on it?

Oh, years and years.

One long holiday.

Where shall we go?

- Hmm. Switzerland?

- Oh, that's f***in' boring.

Morocco?

- Oh, you can't go there, remember?

- Hmm.

Canada?

Honolulu.

Oh, f***.

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