The Cookout Page #5

trying to sell...

pig lips

and some gold teeth...

she's not gonna want him.

You sure you don't

want none of this?

No, no. Really, I'm...

Willie, Nelson...

why don't you come

outside with me?

I want to show you something.

You ain't got to

ask me twice.

Just follow me.

And get up.

All rightie, then.

So, Ms. Peters-

no need

for small talk, OK?

Todd is good-looking.

He's charming. He's likable.

He could sell an ice cube

to an eskimo.

I'm sure he can...

but we're not looking

for a salesman.

What we need is

a young, enthusiastic-

I see Todd done

made some changes.

Yeah. Well, it was all

my idea for the style...

but I just wanted to really

capture Todd's tastes.

Oh, hold up, you guys.

Now, I'm the tour.

Congratulations

on all your new taste.

Mom, I'd like you

to meet Ms. Peters.

Ms. Peters

is considering me...

as a spokesperson

for Stone Mountain phones.

Yes.

Nice to meet you,

Ms. Peters.

You're gonna love Todd.

He's quite the actor.

Even if he doesn't

like something...

you'll think he does.

Hey, guess who we

must have talked up.

Becky.

She stopped me

in the grocery store.

I invited her

to the cookout.

Oh, great. I can't

wait to see her.

Good! Good! Becky's coming!

More visitors! Fantastic!

How does she look?

Did the braces

do anything for her?

You'll see

when she gets here.

You guys are staying

for the cookout, right?

We're having

a cookout today.

Excuse me. I got to get

that grill running.

And this is our-

I mean Todd's garage.

What do you guys think?

Wouldn't mind

parking in that...

every day

of the week. Man!

You thinking

what I'm thinking?

Is that Todd's bedroom set?

Um... that's the old one.

You see,

we got a new one.

You know, this

endorsement is just...

really important

for Todd and I...

and we just

wanted to make sure...

that we made a good

impression on Ms. Peters.

Brittany, listen, honey.

How would you like

to be a big hit...

with the family

at the cookout?

Really?

No, no, no.

A really big hit.

Goody! A project?

Well, what can I do?

OK. I want you to run

up to Teaneck...

and get me a ham

for my greens.

Will you do that for me?

Isn't Teaneck

like an hour away?

Yeah, that's

an hour away...

but that ham

is Todd's favorite.

And listen here.

If you go up there...

and get that now...

Todd might buy you

something special.

You think so?

I know he will.

Thank you, Auntie Em.

Anything that you say.

This means so much to me.

You don't even know.

The rooms are upstairs.

Pool's out back.

Make yourselves at home.

And tell Todd

I'll be right back.

Uh-huh. All right.

All right.

Thank you.

Yeah, you go ahead on now.

Dumb-ass.

Doggie.

I see you, doggie.

Pretty doggie.

You are pretty, doggie.

I love you, doggie.

Yo! Get your ass up

off the floor!

Huh?

Get up!

Can I help you fellas?

As a matter of fact,

you can.

Let me get these

cakes and, um...

everything in the register!

I want cash, coins...

food stamps,

everything, man.

Hey, yo, Bling.

Your man is

all over the place.

Not right now, Wheeze.

I'm in the middle

of something.

It's a nice picture

of him, too.

Let me see this.

Mr. Big Shot.

Yeah. This is good.

Where can I find

this house right here?

Does anybody know

where Todd keeps his lard?

Lard?

Oh, my God.

Oh, I feel dizzy.

Olivier, my temples-

rub them vigorously.

See what you have done?

What are you doing?

You know, I don't know

who you think you are-

Who I am?

You tell her who I am.

OK. He is Sven from Prague...

internationally

renowned master chef-

mein chefmeister-

child prodigy...

graduate of Le Cordon Bleu...

at age nine.

Now, he is fluent in the

cuisine of over 100 nations...

and known in

the culinary world...

as the Picasso of pate...

the Van Gogh of veal...

and the Michelangelo of meat.

Van hock.

And this is

Lady Em of Newark.

She has been

cleaning chitterlings...

since she was six...

and she is known

throughout the hood...

as the Patti Labelle

of pork...

the Billie Holiday

of hot links...

the Aretha Franklin

of fried chicken.

I cannot work like this!

Olivier...

Dramatic exit.

Wait. Wait. Where

are you guys going?

Sven cannot work

under these conditions!

What conditions?

The woman in the kitchen...

the Patti Labelle of pork-

she is the Coolio

of canned meat.

I'm gonna go talk to her

right now, and it'll be fine.

You guys, please,

please don't leave.

Oh, quickly, go.

Thank you.

This cousin Todd's house?

How y'all doing?

What's up, cousin Todd?

Jasper, Jerome, why? Why?

Here's your ham.

What happened?

Baby, Sven and Olivier left.

They were supposed to cook

brunch for Ms. Peters.

What am I

supposed to do now?

Look, I raised you and half

your cousins on my cooking.

Now, if it's good

enough for them...

it's good enough for her.

Now, y'all get

that animal outside...

and skin him. Go ahead.

You're dropping brain

all over the floor.

Yes, ma'am.

That's our homemade

slip-n-slide.

Pick him up.

Homemade slip-n-slide.

Uh, Brittany.

Yes?

Low-sodium ham?

What's this, baby?

It's healthier ham,

and it's better for Todd...

because he needs

to stay in shape.

Do you know what

a healthy cookout is?

No, no, no. Don't

answer that question.

Because there's

no such thing...

as a healthy cookout.

Look around this counter.

You see anything healthy?

Look at this.

Chitterlings-sodium.

Macaroni and cheese-

sodium.

Greens-sodium,

black-eyed peas-sodium...

potato salad-sodium.

Sodium, sodium,

sodium! OK?

And as for Todd...

that boy's eaten

so much sodium...

he could crap a salt lick.

Didn't keep him out of

the pros, now did it?

Little Brittany,

I need a ham.

And I want that ham

to be... what?

Sodium.

With sodium.

OK.

Good girl.

Excuse me.

May I have a glass of-

Ms. Peters!

Help me, Jesus.

Quick now. And don't forget

my cast-iron pot...

because Lady Em gonna try

to outdo my cornbread...

as if she could.

Come on, Ma.

Why does everything...

between you and Auntie Em

have to be a competition?

Honey, there is

no competition...

because I'm better

than she is.

Now get in the house.

Frank, shake a tailfeather.

Give me a hand, Grandpa?

Nope. My hands are

already filled, son.

Ho. Ho. Ho.

Stop right there.

Stop, you, right there.

Look, cut the engine off...

but don't turn off that record.

That's my jam.

Yo, I'm here

to see Todd Andersen.

Oh, no, I don't

think so. He's over.

He's over? What you mean?

He lives here, don't he?

Well, see, regulation 42-B,

subsection 6, clearly states...

that residents are allowed

a limited number of visitors.

You mean to tell me I can't

even see my own cousin?

That's exactly

what I'm saying.

All right, you know what?

Listen up, rent-a-cop.

You don't even have a gun.

You have a flashlight,

all right?

I didn't drive all the way

up here for nothing.

You see these babies

in this car?

They needs a daddy.

A... baller. Swoosh.

So what I'm gonna

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