The Cookout Page #6

need you to do

is run on over to that little

phone booth over there...

pick up that phone,

call my cousin Todd...

and tell him Lil Dee

is at the gate.

Wait. Hold up.

Did you say Lil Dee?

Yes, I did.

Do you know

Marquis Fontaineau?

Light skin

with the good hair?

Yeah, I know him.

You know my daddy?

Aw, hell, no!

Let's roll.

Marquis, I thought you said

you didn't know Lil Dee.

I met her. I seen her.

I seen your damn baby.

I could be wrong,

but I think you're...

getting a little heavy

up on the family.

I mean, a few adds charm...

but this is

starting to look...

like a rerun of Good Times.

Mama couldn't make it.

You know,

her rheumatoid arthritis...

started flaring up

in that left elbow.

So I had to give her

an icy-hot patch.

She said she'd

see you next time.

I told you

to reschedule it, man.

Just go handle Ms. Peters.

I'll take care of this.

All right. All right.

Daddy! Daddy!

Daddy! Daddy!

Um, Todd, do you

want to do something...

about these

little kids here?

I'm not your daddy. No.

Come here!

Nobody knows who

your daddies are.

Now, what do you

call these again?

Chitterlings.

And a cookout...

ain't a cookout

without them.

I hate to ask, but what

exactly is a cookout?

Well, it's when

the family gets together.

You see them out there?

We get together.

We dance.

We grill meat.

We share gossip.

We sing. We can play

dominoes, cards.

We have a good time.

The three f's-

fun...

food...

family.

That ain't right.

Leroy, use a coaster, man.

You're messing up my table.

You left it out here

for public use.

The law says that's

an assumed risk.

You need to stop fronting

like you're a real lawyer...

and pass the bar. Do that.

A real lawyer.

Hey, I know more

than any real lawyer.

I took the bar 15 times.

They only took it once.

Do you know how much

you learn about the law...

when you take it over

and over and over?

Huh? Jojo, when is

that food gonna be ready?

I'm starving.

Aw, man, nice place

Todd got here.

Sure is. Mm-hmm.

I mean, look at the trees.

You know, I planted

a tree once.

Never could get it to grow.

Hey... grass.

I could never get

my lawn this nice.

That's because you're black.

What? I got racist grass?

No. The water company-

they pump low-grade water...

into the black neighborhoods.

That's why you

never see nice lawns...

in black communities.

What the hell

is low-grade water?

Is it possible, Leroy...

that people in the hood, they

can't afford landscapers...

and they save money

on the water...

so they don't water

their lawn as much?

That's what the man

wants you to think.

How far away are we?

You go south

by my thumb...

and you make a right

at my pinkie...

and you go two inches.

Oh, wait. Oh, wait.

I got it upside-down.

This just don't

make no sense.

Give me the damn map.

Let me see.

I got it, Bling.

Wheeze! Wheeze!

I got it! I got it!

Let go!

What you doing, man?

Watch out for the cat.

So she got mad at me...

and she's gonna...

Shut the hell up.

Look what you made

me do to my car!

Sorry.

If my arm wasn't

numb right now...

I'd knock your head off.

You're confusing me here.

Which way is south?

Hey.

Look at the kitty.

That's a rare species.

Hey, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Hey, kitty, kitty,

kitty, kitty, kitty.

Hey, kitty, kitty-

What the hell

are you doing?

What the hell

are you doing, man?

What happened?

I think he just

farted on me.

What are you talking-

Fool! Get

them sneakers, man!

We're running out

of time over here.

My baby.

Hurry up, man.

You smell that?

What the hell

is that smell?

It's probably these

stinky-ass sneakers...

you got me

lugging around.

Man, them sneakers

are gonna get us paid.

Man, walk over there, man.

Them sneakers stink.

Look. Right.

Well, give me a leg up.

OK.

Here.

Ready?

Do you see anything?

They're turning

our community...

into a trailer park

in the projects.

Hey! Y'all the neighbors?

Well, come on over

to the cookout.

- No.

- Mmm-mm.

No, come on! Come on!

Eileen...

I'm coming for you.

Wait! Guinevere!

Good afternoon, sir.

How may I help you?

That's my wife.

Jeeves, let him in.

You must be Holstead.

Come on in and join us.

I'm Lady Em.

You can call me Emma.

And this is Lil Dee.

Hey.

And these are her children.

This is Sonny Ray,

Little Ray, D.J...

Sonny D., D.Q.R.S.,

Whatever.

So many of you.

It's so hot in here.

Here's your ham, with all

the salt and the fat...

and the artery-clogging

goodness that you love.

And now my dress

smells like ham.

So excuse me.

Oh, honey.

This is a boneless ham.

Yes. Yes. That is

a boneless ham.

Oh, honey, it's the bone...

that gives the ham

the flavor.

This will never do.

You're kidding, right?

No, I'm not kidding.

Now listen.

You wouldn't want

Todd to lose this deal...

because of the wrong ham

now, would you? Ha ha.

No, I wouldn't.

No, I didn't think so.

Now listen, sweetie.

About 25 miles

down the road there...

there's a good butcher.

Get you a good ham,

all right?

Mm-hmm. All right?

Now, I'm not quite sure...

I understand what

you're getting at.

OK, lady, let me

break it down...

for you, all right?

If a black cat

crosses your path...

that means what?

Seven years bad luck,

right? All right.

Now, what's slang

for a dude? A cat.

So ergo, i. e.,

I am a black cat.

So if I cross your path,

you subliminally think...

that you're gonna

get bad luck.

That is why

my wife left me...

because I'm black.

Is he serious?

Oh, yeah. See,

at every family cookout...

we get caught up

on each other's lives...

no matter how sad they are.

Subliminal messages-

they're all around us.

You know, like in sports.

Like hockey. Why is there

a bunch of white guys...

smacking a black puck

around the ice?

Why can't the puck

be white?

Well, being in

sports management...

I'd venture to say

that on ice...

a white puck might

be difficult to see.

I'd expect you to say that.

Wait a minute, Leroy.

What about golf?

I mean, the ball is white.

Yeah. You know,

you're right.

And I thought about that.

In golf, you

got to do what?

Get that white ball

in the hole.

Where's the hole?

On the green.

Green. "Fertility. "

You see what I'm

getting at here?

Where's that hole?

In the earth.

Mother earth.

"Hi, mommy. " Yeah.

White guys trying to get...

their white balls

in mother earth...

symbolizing how they

want to rape the planet.

I should write a book, man.

"That ham has

too much salt in it.

"No, that ham

has too much bone in it.

No, that ham has

too much pork in it. "

Keep it together.

Now, what you're

gonna do is...

you're gonna go get

the damn ham for her...

and once all these ghetto hood

rats are out of my house...

we're gonna get it fumigated.

Then I will have Todd

all to myself.

What's up, gold digger?

Excuse me...

but I am not in the mood.

You know what?

I'm not even mad.

Game recognize game, honey.

Game recognizes game?

Let me tell you something.

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