The Cookout Page #7

Your game is not up to par

with my game.

What is it,

like, five or six...

Lil Dee-Dees I see

running around here?

And that old-ass

Scooby Doo van...

that you've been

driving around.

Yeah. I seen it.

Now, I drive a brand-new

Mercedes-Benz.

And this is my mansion.

That's all

fine and dandy...

but I catch your

little trifling tail...

trying to play

my cousin...

and I'll cut your ass.

Oh, and by the way...

that tired little dress

you're trying to rock...

we all know

that ain't real.

Pocahontas just

trying to front...

acting like she got

Indian in her family.

Little bit Cherokee.

Cherokee?

Let me tell you something.

You need not worry

about your cousin...

because your cousin

is my problem.

I'm gonna take real

good care of him.

What you need to do

is stop looking...

for your babies' daddies

down at the parole office.

And you, little

ghetto bird...

need to invest

in a diaphragm.

Lookie here, Bling.

Look what we have here.

You fellas need a lift?

Hell, yeah. Come on, Wheeze.

Let's get in.

You know, I don't mind

picking you boys up...

because I know

how it can be.

Right on.

I'm in the horseshit

consignment business...

a manure broker,

if you don't mind.

Basically, I go around

to all the ranches...

I scoop up

the horseshit...

and I sell it to all the

farmers and the landscapers.

This stuff right here.

And if my truck

breaks down...

let me tell you, God...

nobody's gonna

pick up this guy...

because I stink of sh*t.

You want some?

No.

Good. You OK?

Now, let me

tell you something.

There's a demand

for good-quality sh*t.

I tell the farmers...

make sure

you feed your horses...

a well-balanced diet.

Any doctor

will tell you...

if you put

good stuff in...

good stuff is definitely

gonna come out.

That's it! Stop the car!

Stop the car!

And don't say

sh*t else about sh*t!

Come on, Wheeze!

Get the hell out of here!

Hey.

Dee, you need

to check your kids.

They're scratching up my stairs.

Look at this.

Oh, man, we can't

do nothing over here.

I shouldn't have

never came here.

I should have went

to Lebron James' house.

I know that's right.

Disrespectful.

Boy, you worry

too damn much.

All this running-around

they doing...

they're gonna start dropping

like flies in a minute.

Just chill.

I tried telling her, Todd...

but you know, some people

are just uncivilized.

Leroy, Leroy, look what they did

to my damn bat.

It's my bat!

I'm coming to get you!

I'm gonna get you!

Grandpa!

Aunt Nettie, could you please

keep these kids out of here?

My agent and I are trying

to do some business.

OK.

Please. Just...

Calm down, honey.

Agent.

Check.

Good job.

Jamal! Jamal! Jamal!

Todd's agent is here, and baby,

if he sees you play...

I know we can get

a contract...

maybe even bigger

than Todd's.

Mom, look. I got

checkmate in one move.

And how many times

I got to tell you?

I'm not trying

to play pro ball.

Well, you just

check that, baby.

Now, I want you

to get dressed now!

No excuses!

Nettie, now Jamal has

a life of his own...

that doesn't include

pro basketball.

We didn't come here

for a tryout.

We came here for a cookout.

When's that food

gonna be ready?

Quiet, Frank!

If you'd spent more time

teaching your son how to play...

instead of feeding

your face...

I wouldn't even have

to be doing this!

Mama's gonna get

her baby a contract...

whether he

wants one or not!

You, go get

your sweats on!

Now!

The boy ain't even

got a hoop.

Nice and quiet.

Away from all the insanity.

Have a seat.

We are so sorry about

all the distractions.

I assure you,

this family gathering...

was a complete

scheduling mishap.

It's OK.

I'm rather

enjoying myself.

Are you? It's fun, right?

Cookouts are fun.

Anyway, let's talk about

the new product launch, OK?

We know that this is very

important for your company...

and we think

that Todd would be...

absolutely perfect.

Picture it-

young rookie,

out on the road...

missing his family...

needing your service

to stay in touch with them.

God!

Stop swinging that bat!

Somebody's gonna get hurt!

Excuse me for a minute,

Ms. Peters.

I'll be right back.

Yeah, yeah.

Foul! Foul!

Y'all saw it!

It's my bat! My bat!

Grandpa, please, please,

please, not in the house.

Please, not in the house.

Rules! Rules! Rules!

Everybody always

telling kids...

and old folks what to do.

Come on, kids. Let's go.

We'll show them. Come on.

We're going outside

and poo-poo on ourselves.

Oh, God.

Ew... God.

Oh...

I love you, Uncle Todd.

I love you, too, man. Oh...

What's up?

Do you see that poodle?

Whose dog is that?

Yo, I'm gonna give

it some cookies.

Come here, girl.

Give me one, man.

Let me try. Give me one.

Here, man.

I ain't giving my cookie

to no dog, man.

You must be crazy.

OK, this is it, baby.

Take it to the hoop.

Take it to the hoop.

This is it.

Ma, you cannot be serious.

Where am I gonna play ball?

There's no basket in here.

You want a basket?

There's your basket.

"D" up, Leroy.

No easy buckets.

Well, you don't have

to worry about that...

because I'm already...

I'm up in here.

Up in here, baby.

Don't worry about it.

Come on, boy.

Show me what you got.

Come on.

Come on.

You ready for me?

Don't try to go left.

Don't go left.

I'm telling you-

Yes!

That's my boy!

That's my boy!

Did you see how he

handled that ball?

You cannot tell me that my

baby don't have game.

So, what do you think?

I think... wow.

Oh, my God. I got a call.

You don't know nothing.

My Jamal, he should be

playing in the pros!

Oh, yeah.

That's what

I'm talking about.

You think that's enough

of this in there?

Damn! What

do you want now?

Did you read the rules

and regulations?

Because I can see about

10 violations in here...

and I ain't even

up in here good.

You are way over the allowed

amount of visitors.

You're too loud.

And do I smell a grill?

Oh, no. You need a permit

to cook outdoors.

It's just a cookout.

We ain't bothering nobody!

Look, youngblood,

back the hell up.

Now, look, Mr. Andersen...

you better get

your family together...

or your time at Garden Ridge

will be over real soon.

That's it. That's it.

That's it.

Everybody get out!

After this food is done...

get a doggy bag

and get out!

Hey, man, why don't

you calm down, man?

You trippin'.

What is wrong with you? You-

Hey, you hear me talking?

Don't turn

your back on me.

Jojo.

Yeah. It's

all right, baby.

What's wrong with him?

It's all right, baby.

It's OK. It's all right.

He's gonna be all right.

What's wrong with him?

I hate to interrupt...

but have either of you

seen my dog? Guinevere.

Guinevere.

I've been looking for you.

In the house, Guinevere.

Oh, no.

Is that

what I think it is?

Yeah.

I'm shocked

at you two young men.

So am I.

We're sorry.

I weep for your generation.

In my day...

no one would consider baking

with inferior ingredients.

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