The Dick & Paula Celebrity Special Page #2

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the chaos of the city...

No, no, no.

The water comes out

brown in my room.

And the bed's hard.

You've had a trauma.

No therapy, no pills...

what you need is peace and quiet.

Your emotions

have to settle.

I couldn't go back

to teaching again.

Simplify.

Who's more popular,

the Pope or Elvis?

- I don't think there's any doubt...

- Elvis!

Do you think that the Beatles,

at the height of their fame...

were bigger stars than Jesus?

- World population was smaller...

- Autograph, please?

The food's the worst.

What is this?

I don't know. Shoe leather?

You don't have to eat it.

I asked for it rare.

But you don't like meat.

I said "rare".

You heard me.

I told them twice.

"Not overdone."

Well, we're not

here to enjoy ourselves.

Eat it, or something else.

- The macaroni cheese is good.

- Would you like mine? It's rare.

- That's nice of you.

- Please!

You sure?

You see, I can't eat

steak that's not rare.

Doesn't that look nice!

I started as a hobby...

but I get so many orders now,

I can't make them quick enough.

All genuine ceramic.

And this rubber

bulb here...

that you fill with

washable red dye.

One squeeze and His

wounds bleed. Watch that.

Isn't that something?

- Do you like the country?

- Oh, very much.

I went to a Catholic school,

you know?

So I have moments of

nostalgia for the faith.

Let your soul wander.

And if the miracles

of nature...

lead to intimations of

something larger...

try and have

an open heart.

Are there ticks here?

I'd hate to get Lyme's disease.

- No casualties so far.

- Good.

Could you excuse me?

Yes. Bye.

What, a divorce?

A divorce.

- Try and understand.

- Why?

It's not you, it's me.

I have to...

- Pull over!

- Robin, we should...

Pull the f***ing car over!

Jesus, will you calm down?

Robin, where are you

going? That's not safe!

Come on. Are you crazy?

This is dangerous.

We can't talk here.

You've met someone else?

- I knew you'd think that.

- You have. You're lying.

I haven't. Jesus!

So after 16 fine years,

why a divorce?

It's me. I'm confused.

I want a different life, to

go in a different direction.

- Confused? Then see a doctor.

- I did.

Well, that's news!

What other surprises

you got in store?

This wasn't an easy decision.

You've met someone.

No-one just ups and goes.

You know, we got

married so young.

- Never time for living!

- Change your life how?

All we know

is each other!

So who do you want

to explore, Allison?

Why Allison?

- Your hands touched in the car.

- I don't believe this!

And you didn't pull yours away!

You had an affair with Allison!

- Our neighbour!

- Not an affair!

- You slept with her!

- That's why I want a divorce!

To marry Allison?

I can't be dishonest,

and I have been...

and I don't want to do it.

- Who else?

- Nobody else.

Lee, tell me...

now we're clearing the air.

I won't get angry.

Lee, come on.

Let's clear the air.

I won't get angry.

Aren't you cold?

We're clearing the air.

I'm not gonna get angry.

Sheila...

Sheila?

You lowlife

motherf***er!

- I can't talk to you!

- My best friend, Sheila!

It's not about women. I'm

depressed about my whole life.

Your life with me?

I hate these stupid

travel pieces!

I tried to talk to you before,

but you're so high-strung.

I mean, we

can't talk!

It's over, you know?

I'm not happy!

Robin, are you okay?

Robin, are you okay?

No.

But I will be.

Do you try to shock people?

One of my best collections.

I'm pleased how it turned out.

I'd love to talk

about this location.

We'll definitely get together.

It's an inspired idea!

The skyline enhances

my collection.

The colour's great, isn't it?

A fantastic backdrop

for your work.

It'd be great to talk

more about this.

Come next week.

We'll have lunch and I'll

show you round.

Can we talk more now?

- It'd help me with the details.

- Sure, no problem.

Nice car.

Thanks. Want

to drive it?

- Because it's a terrific...

- Is it yours?

Sure. What am I, a car thief?

It's an Aston Martin.

You're welcome, come on.

You've got a wig, it's...

- Camouflage.

- Really?

- Give me the keys.

- Thank you.

You look so much

longer-haired.

Got enough room?

Not too fast, the

steering's a little...

Like flying a plane.

Yeah, a 1967 Aston Martin.

Cost me a fortune.

And I had them put

the wheel on the left.

Wanna go for a drink?

I promised a friend I'd

go to his opening.

You know the painter,

Bruce Bishop?

- I've seen his work.

- He's a genius!

You know what?

We'll go to the party...

and have a

drink afterwards.

Really?

Great!

So they commission Oscar to

do a clock tower for a mall.

And what does he propose?

An eight-storey penis.

- Gorgeous. Congratulations.

- Thank you.

- An eight-storey penis?

- In a little town in Kansas.

Imagine these farmers

driving to church...

past this giant erection!

Darling!

- How are you?

- Thanks for coming.

- A pleasure.

- I'm in trouble.

Congratulations. Lee Simon.

This is amazing.

- Why in trouble?

- They don't get it.

I hate to think about it. Either

you get my work or you don't.

But don't buy my f***ing

paintings to be "in".

Only if you have to

have a "Bruce Bishop".

It's all about image.

- One hundred per cent.

- Calm down.

But he's right.

- Bruce, calm down.

- We should go.

- He's upset.

- I know. We should go.

Wait. Are you a Libra?

- I'm Sagittarius.

- That's why you're impatient.

I'm attracted to Sagittarians,

but they're so impatient.

- Excuse me, would you sign this?

- Of course.

I use your exercise tape.

- You do?

- So do I.

But I exercise to it.

I can see. You look great.

- We should...

- Thank you.

- Let's go somewhere quiet.

- You really want to do that?

- How are you?

- You look gorgeous!

I'll get my drink.

I'll be right back.

You're so quiet.

I was thinking that...

you're the most

beautiful creature...

I've ever seen.

Every curve in your body...

fulfils its promise. If the

universe has any meaning...

I'm looking at it.

- You're sweet.

- And you're perfect.

Do you have any flaws?

Physically?

Any kind. You're

a miracle.

I don't usually

drool in my salad.

I'm not usually like this.

I'm polymorphously

perverse.

It's not a flaw.

Just a weakness.

Polymorphously perverse,

meaning...?

That every part

of my body...

gives me sexual pleasure.

Meaning?

Meaning every part of me

gives me erotic pleasure.

And how...?

Sensitive is that?

If you touch my thighs,

my hands, my neck...

my kneecaps...

I'm orgasmic.

Where did you learn this?

It's Dionysian.

A Greek taught me.

Now I can't get rid of it.

It's not a flaw,

just a weakness.

Just to get this right.

If I touch your hand...

if I take it and

just stroke it...

if I stroke it like

this, you...?

My God!

Let's get out of here.

I'll get the check.

I'll get the coat and...

Come on, guys,

we're going dancing!

Dancing? Great!

- I can't dance.

- We'll dance!

- I can't dance.

- Everybody can dance.

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