The Dick & Paula Celebrity Special Page #3

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- Let's dance.

- I'll get the check.

My God, I know I've

told a lot of atheist jokes...

and I have no right to ask for

this, but that was just her hand!

- Sh*t!

- What? What's wrong?

I need echinacea

right away.

- Right away!

- Echinacea?

It's for colds.

Let's go find some.

Let's leave.

The health food stores

will be closed.

I know an all-night

drugstore.

They won't have it.

And I have none at home!

I'm going to

Milan tomorrow!

Yes.

Ecchymosis?

No, I told you,

it's an herb.

Because I can't hear you!

It's an herb!

I couldn't find any

echinacea.

You need echinacea?

- You have some?

- I always carry some.

He's got some.

So where to?

We should go, you got

to fly to Milan tomorrow.

No, it's okay.

"Stuff a cold,

starve a fever"

Really, it's okay.

Incidentally, you're a

tremendous athlete.

I'm sure you have

an enormous future.

This your car?

Yeah, an Aston Martin.

It's very old.

Forget it, it costs a fortune.

I used to have a Volvo.

I'll call you when we

play the Knicks.

Right. I'll give you my number.

You know...

you're amazing.

I notice that men

just stare at you.

I mean, women stare at you!

It's incredible.

- I used to live with a woman.

- Really?

A beautiful young

German model.

The looks we got when

we danced together!

But you prefer men?

Usually.

That's great.

You're not afraid

of catching germs?

I've got a cold.

From you, I'd be willing

to catch terminal cancer.

My place or yours?

Whichever makes you happier.

My place.

I have a mirror

next to the bed.

You have a mirror.

Sure.

My God! I'm

so sorry!

You're okay? Not bleeding?

Just a little shaken!

Christ, what were you thinking?

I hope the police don't

give me a balloon test.

- They'd misinterpret this.

- The police?

I can't be connected with

a drunk-driving accident!

I'm not drunk!

The tabloids will

kill me!

I just signed an endorsement

with a cosmetic company!

I got to go. I'll be

fine. I'll get a cab.

No, I'll take you, because...

Are you crazy?

Look at your Aston Martin!

I can claim it in the morning.

The night is young.

I wanted to see your mirror.

You can't leave the

scene of an accident.

This is a bad neighbourhood.

You should...

I'll be fine.

I'm a black belt.

- But if you're bleeding internally?

- Nice to meet you!

F***ing cold!

Rain!

I've been waiting for 2 hours.

- I've been waiting too.

- Dr Lupus knows you're here.

I can't wait.

- If you'd like to reschedule...

- I made this appointment in June.

I've been waiting a year

for my appointment.

I know a woman who sold

her appointment for $3,000.

If they're going to touch

me, I want the best.

I understand. Since that

Newsweek article, we're overrun.

- Dr. Lupus!

- A few minutes.

Very interesting. I

can work with that.

Miss Lipton in 7.

It's really worth the wait.

The man's an artist.

Dr. Lupus, hello.

I'm worried about my jowls.

What do you think?

Yes, they'll go.

- Some of the neck, too.

- Excuse me.

No, no, those eyes

have to be wider.

And we got to get

rid of the double chin.

I want to make you look like

Pearl Chavez, the fiery half-breed.

"Duel in the Sun", right? They'll

think you have Indian blood.

Thank you.

I don't know why I'm here.

Herman, she needs a makeover.

Thanks for fitting us in.

Please, please!

You're very special to me.

- Do I need a makeover?

- Why be less than perfect?

What can we do with the eyes?

I see what you mean.

They're beady.

- And tighten this up, too.

- Beady?

I told her you

were a genius.

I read that

Newsweek article.

- The lips a little fuller?

- Fuller?

Not if you prefer that

cold, stressful look.

- Are they too thin?

- It won't be noticeable.

Well, noticeable,

but not artificial.

The cameras are here.

Thank you. I'm on

"News at Noon".

We're in the plush office

of a man called...

"the Michelangelo

of Manhattan".

- Ignore the camera.

- And your breasts and buttocks?

As with the great Renaissance

sculptor...

unsightly flesh is molded

and suctioned away...

until only youth remains...

or the illusion of youth.

I'm out of here. I should go.

Outside in the waiting room,

anxious faces...

await transmogrification

into perfection.

We don't do penis enlargements.

We don't have the space.

We're talking about 3 inches.

Socialite Pinky Virdon...

uses the VIP entrance

for the privileged few...

who do not have to plan eons

in advance for an appointment.

I'm not blaming you, I have to go.

I'll tell you what.

I'll get your coat.

- We'll go out the side exit.

- The side exit.

Relax, I'll be right back.

The waiting room's here.

Why don't you get comments

from those women?

Don't forget the nurses.

Sorry if we're

disturbing you.

I got a film crew here.

- I was just going.

- Dr Lupus said...

He did a great job on you.

You look great.

Are my lips too thin?

Not for me. Whatever he

charged you, it was worth it.

Thanks very much.

I'm Tony Gardella.

I produce "News at Noon."

- And you are?

- Robin Simon.

What do you do?

I'm a schoolteacher.

Teacher?

Great, so you saved your money,

invested it here and now...

you're a knockout!

I'm here for a consultation.

He hasn't done anything to me.

Really?

From the point of

view of a total stranger...

I wouldn't change a freckle.

Well thank you.

"I have always depended on

the kindness of strangers."

Well, I better get

on with this thing.

Back to work.

Listen...

forgive me, but...

are you married or anything? And

if not, what are you doing later?

- Later, when?

- Six o'clock.

- Why?

- Want to go to a screening?

A screening?

Of a new John

Papadakis film.

I have to go and I thought

you'd like to go.

Thank you,

but I can't.

I don't often go to the films...

and I haven't

heard of that director.

But thanks for

thinking of me.

She'll be happy to go.

This is my...

Accepting for Ms. Simon,

her friend, Cheryl.

And your divorce? Are you

friendly with your ex-husband?

We would be if we met.

I mean, this is the age

of psychotherapy, right?

Everyone's so

sophisticated and mature.

Hi, how are you?

At least you're

not still angry.

No, that phase is over.

You have to stop

tantrumming...

and move on with life.

The champagne tastes

like it was made yesterday.

Think so? I

kind of liked it.

But I'm feeling lightheaded.

I shouldn't drink any more.

I wish I felt lightheaded.

- I hate these screenings.

- Do you?

I'd rather see

a real audience.

I should know all these people,

but I'm so out of touch.

Let's see. You see that guy?

That's Papadakis, the

director of the film.

Yeah, he's arty and pretentious.

One of those a**holes who always

films in black and white.

Tom Dale. Big star!

He's filming an adaptation

of a sequel of a remake.

Getting out of the elevator

is a famous critic.

Him, I recognise.

He used to hate every movie.

But he married a young, big-bosomed

woman and now he loves every movie.

God, I'm so out of touch.

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