The Dick & Paula Celebrity Special Page #4

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Can I get you a refill?

Yes!

What the hell? Why not?

If I could think of what to do

I'd never go back to teaching.

- Come work for me.

- As what?

All I'm good at is Chaucer.

Well, we have a

cooking show.

You could do "Great

Writers' Recipes."

"Chaucer's Fettucini

with Clam Sauce."

"Walter Raleigh's Gazpacho."

No, that's okay.

But I'm glad you asked me out.

I'm having a very nice...

- What's the matter?

- Lee!

- Who's Lee?

- My husband.

- Your husband?

- I don't want to see him here!

I thought you said

it was no problem.

- Stand there, stand there.

- All right, all right.

No, no! There, there.

Talk to me. Act

natural, for chrissake!

No, more to the left!

Oh, God!

- No, he's going to see me.

- Where are you going?

- Is he there?

- I don't know who he is.

- Is he going into the cinema?

- There's a blond guy coming.

Is that who I think it is?

Robin, what are you doing here?

I'm looking for...

I dropped my earring!

I found it!

Bonnie, this is Robin.

Robin, this is Bonnie.

- How are you?

- How am I?

How am I?

You mean now?

You mean...

my physical health?

- Whatever. Or spiritual.

- I'm fine. Thirsty.

Nice to meet you.

Oh dear!

I guess we won't have a drink.

- We'll go in and...

- See you in there.

Catch you inside.

Nice to see you.

- Are you all right?

- I shouldn't drink.

His use of

these flashbacks...

and slow motion is

pretentious, isn't it?

And that harlot he's with?

You think she's pretty?

Probably one of those

porn channel outcalls.

You dial a number

if you need an escort.

Escort! I mean, really!

Deep massage, they say.

But that's bullshit.

You probably

dial 588-PUSS Y.

I think she's an editor

for Random House, but...

How could you have slept with

Sheila, my best friend?

You found her bovine.

His word:
"Bovine".

Am I lying?

Didn't you say she

was a vache hollandaise?

Didn't you?

Am I lying?

- You're sick, that's what!

- Lie in front of these people?

- I'm sorry.

- That's okay.

No, I lost control.

I guess you're still

in love with him.

I guess I am.

Good night.

Well, think about what I said.

- About what?

- About coming to work for me.

That's a fantasy.

You're bright. You'd learn.

My company's growing.

You could grow with us.

Too inhibited.

- That's a shame.

- I'm sorry.

Good night.

- Did you like the movie?

- I hate Papadakis.

One clich after another.

When you see these scripts,

it's so depressing.

Were you upset about

the run-in with your ex?

She's an hysteric.

I'm lucky I got out.

Tonight was proof

positive, if I needed proof.

Sounds like you're

protesting too much.

No, my class reunion was

the defining moment for me.

- How's that?

- A class reunion last year.

Take my advice. Don't do it.

Doris, Doris! How are you?

- You look the same.

- Great to see you.

- This is Nat.

- Hi, Nat, how are you?

- What are you up to?

- I work in imports.

- What are you doing?

- I write for a travel magazine.

Get to travel for free?

Free, yeah, tell me about it.

We crash-landed in Dubrovnik!

Eddie, Eddie!

- Look what the cat dragged in.

- Nice to see you.

This is Lenore, my wife.

What are you up to?

We've got four kids.

Two on the way.

What do you do when

you're not procreating?

I forget.

I'm a dentist, that's it.

Have you seen Jay Tepper?

Not for ages.

I don't believe this!

- Lee, how are you?

- I'm good.

- What are you doing these days?

- Hanging in there.

Still running and killing the girls?

I'm long married.

This is my wife, speaking

of married. Mary.

- Where's your wife?

- She has shingles.

Psychological.

You a shrink?

Not exactly, I'm

a psychoanalyst.

Can you believe this guy?

- Come and give me a call.

- A call?

Monroe Gordon, and his

lovely wife, Dana.

Monroe, whom you all remember

was in our "Guys and Dolls"...

and who went on to a

successful singing career...

in Broadway...

in Atlantic City...

Carlton's Restaurant off the

Sunrise Highway...

and the Sunrise Lounge.

Monroe will sing a song made

popular in our school years.

What happened to my classmates?

Everyone's so...

mature-looking and fat.

I didn't age that much.

Unless I did and I can't see it.

All these dentists, veterinarians

and antique dealers...

capped teeth and bald heads,

grey hairs coming...

Sam Jablon has that rug on.

Looks like it fell on him from

a window and nobody told him.

Some dead already. Annette

DeAngelo, breasts I caressed...

lying cold in the ground!

God, how I wanted to

sleep with Polly Weiss.

Now she's turned into her mother.

Freddie Kaplan's my age. Looks

like he's from my father's club.

I'm f***ing Prufrock.

I've got to change

before it's too late.

Pardon me?

I'm not happy, Jay.

Married too young.

Neither of us had the

chance to live, to explore.

These aren't

my office hours.

I'm talking to you while

there's still time.

I just turned 40. I don't

want to look up at 50...

to find I've measured out

my life with coffee spoons.

Try and relax.

And put the vodka down.

Robin's lovely.

She's a little neurotic...

but I don't want to spend my life

as husband to a schoolteacher...

writing the occasional

travel piece...

and never knowing...

what it's like to make love...

to that sleazy blonde that's

married to Monroe Gordon.

The truth is that...

Robin is dull in bed.

F***ing Catholic

inhibitions.

I don't know, maybe I

don't excite her anymore.

I don't know what's true anymore.

Listen, are you in treatment?

One minute you're in

the school lunchroom...

you f***ing blink...

and you're 40.

Blink again...

and you can see movies at half

price for senior citizens.

"Ask not for whom the bell tolls."

Or to be more exact...

ask not for whom

the toilet flushes.

Where were you while we

were making love?

You know, in high school

I was Class Writer.

That's why I tell you to

forget the screenplays...

- and go back to writing your novel.

- Too inhibited.

So you'll never get over

some bad reviews?

My two novels were

dismissed. It was brutal.

Maybe after I sell a

screenplay.

Film is where it's at.

Who reads books anymore?

Not young kids.

- They're into cinema, movies.

- I don't believe that. Nor do you.

Why are you getting dressed?

Going home. Isn't

that what you want?

I don't know what I want.

You're the only one who makes

sense to me since my divorce.

I don't want someone

to make sense to.

I want someone to get

irrational over me.

Maybe after I sell my armoured

car robbery script...

I'll get back to

something more serious.

Philip's having a dinner next

week. I'd love you to come.

Philip Datloff?

- He's sweet. You'll like him.

- I'd be too intimidated.

An editor of his stature? I'd

feel guilty I wasn't writing.

- I want you two to meet.

- I won't know what to say.

So what's your novel about?

- I don't have a novel, it's more...

- No, he does, he does.

Been working on

it for over a year.

- From what I've seen, it's terrific.

- Bonnie is a gifted editor.

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