The Dick & Paula Celebrity Special Page #5

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- I know this.

- I'm grooming her for my job.

I didn't have the emotional

energy to finish it.

And how many people read it?

Do a film, and it reaches millions.

It's not energy, it's confidence.

- His first two books...

- Were obliterated. The 3 S's.

Self-indulgent, sophomoric,

solipsistic.

If every writer who got bad press

at first caved in...

You're too thin-skinned.

My God, it's V.J. Rajnipal.

- Excuse me.

- Philip's his editor.

What am I doing here? That guy

won the Nobel and deserved...

I'm out of my league.

Awash in self-contempt.

You know Irwin Shaw wrote

the best anti-war play ever...

and got it all into one act?

Interesting you should say

that, he was my idol.

At high school I read "The

Eighty Yard Run."

And I wept. Cried in class.

That story made

me want to write.

That and some

pieces by Saroyan.

You love him too?

Amazing! I love the plays

and the essays.

When I think of Irwin Shaw, I

think of "Girls in Summer Dresses."

The title is better than most

people's short stories.

It's so elegant, economic.

- It's thrilling.

- The best.

Thrilling prose. Terrific.

My book is about the values

of a society gone astray...

a culture badly

in need of help.

A country that gives a 20-year-old

kid who can barely read or write...

a $100 million contract

to play basketball?

And a brutal murder trial, or who

is sleeping with the President...

It's all show business!

All show business!

Why am I getting so shrill?

I get so nervous

talking about my novel.

That's why you have to finish it.

- You're so encouraging.

- Screenplays have their place.

But there's nothing like a

serious book.

Exactly my point.

In "Red Letter Day",

my first book...

I touched on these themes,

but I was too green.

- I remember "Red Letter Day".

- Really?

Yeah, I reviewed it for

the Times.

It was...

extremely...

half-baked,

laboured...

solipsistic.

There was no energy.

It was trivial.

You don't mind

my being frank?

Are you okay?

The rest of them

will be here soon.

Let's not take all day on this.

Move it along! I've got plans.

- This way, Mr Adelman.

- Counselor! Nice to have you back.

- It's a pleasure.

- Put him in the Green Room.

You're from the ACLU, right?

Can I get you anything?

Yeah. I'm expecting a call.

Can you put it through?

Of course. You know each other?

These gentleman are from the

South Carolina Klan.

We've done a few

shows together.

You're Minister Polynice!

The others are in

the Green Room.

Is there time

for a sandwich?

Of course, Mary...?

- Can I see you in my office?

- Just a minute. Mary...

Margaret, I'm so sorry...

The attorney is

expecting a call...

- Hi, I'm Dawn Dawson.

- Dawn Dawson?

The teenage obese acrobat.

I had an appointment today.

The teenage obese acrobat, today?

- You said the 14th.

- Our "Overweight Achievers."

Oh my God! I gave

out the wrong date!

- You said the 14th.

- I am so sorry.

Excuse me, the

skinheads are here.

Green Room's

getting crowded.

How about the lounge?

With Rabbi Kaufman.

That'd be nice. It's just

round the corner.

How about makeup? I'm a lawyer,

I can't appear without makeup!

It's a madhouse.

I've made a mistake. I

gave out wrong dates.

- Come here.

- I'm so sorry.

I screwed up. I'm so sorry.

I've been watching you run

up and down all morning...

and I can't take my eyes off you.

I can't get the

weekend in Bermuda...

out of my mind.

There's lots to do.

Priorities. Never

confuse...

priorities.

Oh my God!

I'm Professor Benz. We're

here for the taping.

I'm sorry, there's

been a mistake.

Sorry. "Overweight Achievers"

is next week.

Sorry.

- Who are you?

- Lou DeMarco.

Who?

Uncle to Tony Lipriano from

the Genovese family, that's who.

Our "Cosa Nostra"

show is next week.

She told me today!

I know, I'm sorry.

I can't come next week.

I'm being deported Thursday.

Didn't we do Sally's

show together?

Going back a long time. I

only had 2 murders then.

You're with William Morris?

Don't make me laugh!

Where are the bagels? Have the

skinheads eaten them all?

Could you interview this

professional woman...

for the panel on lovemaking

next Tuesday?

What's the show

called?

"Working Girls Born in

Manhattan." I'm Nina.

Nina, right. Great.

Bye.

So you're a hooker.

Yeah, that's right.

Hey, Tony, you

finally got here.

Traffic that bad?

Told you it'd be heavy

traffic. I knew it.

Grandma, look who's here!

Your favourite grandson!

- Hi Tony.

- Hi, Grandma.

God, we were waiting for you.

- Where have you been?

- This is Robin, everybody.

How do you do?

This is my sister, Iris.

- Tony's a real doll.

- I know.

He got us this house.

Show her the house.

Mom, will you stop it?

But there's a waiting list to get

Grandpa into the nursing home.

It's the only home I trust.

The others are toilets.

But this one, he'd be looked after.

But there's a waiting list.

So maybe if you call and we'd tell

him it's for you, for Grandpa.

Use your name.

Maybe they'd move him up on

the list. Know what I mean?

- We could try, Pop.

- Thanks. He needs it.

Talk to him about the table.

Your Grandma!

I want to take Iris to LeBijou

for her birthday.

It's impossible to get

a good table there.

There's a 6-month waiting

list for this restaurant.

- I'll have Mary make the call.

- As long as it's convenient.

Tony's nobody's fool.

When will you get my Knick's

season tickets upgraded?

What am I, Don

Corleone here?

Not for me, brother,

for your nephew.

Ricky! Come here.

Tell Grandma who came

and spoke at your school.

- A guest speaker?

- Yeah, John Brennan.

- Very nice!

- The hostage guy.

- You don't know John Brennan?

- The hostage, Grandma.

- You remember!

- No, I never heard of him.

They hijacked his plane and

held him hostage for months.

Grandma won't know.

- Yes she does. Dad, you remember?

- Sure. It was in the papers.

In the papers, on the

television, everything.

They released him and he got this

hero's welcome. He's famous!

Famous? For being

captured?

Why's he a hero? It's no

feat to get captured!

Your family's crazy about you.

They've never had much...

and my success has made

so many things possible.

That's why I'm so

driven professionally.

Yeah, they're lovely.

It's fun to be able to do things

for people you love.

Did you never think you might

want a family of your own?

Yeah. I'm surprised you

don't have one.

Well, you know...

At the beginning we were

young, not much money.

And as time went on, Lee became

edgy if I brought it up.

Would you like to have a family

if we ever got married?

Well, you know...

- When's the other shoe gonna drop?

- What do you mean?

Well, you know...

I mean...

you can't be this perfect.

You didn't just walk into my

life with no drawbacks.

Any minute I'm gonna

discover you have a wife.

Or you had one, but you chopped

her up with a hatchet.

Don't walk away from

me like that!

- Get back in there!

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