The Dog Problem Page #4

Come on, I'll just be a second.

I'm afraid no can do.

Oh, come on, man.

Is that one of those Tongans?

Yeah.

My wife has a thing for those dogs.

You wouldn't want to sell it, would you?

No. No.

I'll tell you what.

I'll hold it for you while you go up.

No.

That's okay.

Okay? I'll wait.

Thank you.

Okay.

Have a good day.

How you doing?

You're hungry, aren't you?

Mr. Harrington.

Dr. Nourmand,

this guy tried to steal my dog.

I was trying to do you a favour,

you f***ing nut-job.

Oh... hey, pal,

I saw how you looked at him.

- All right?

- Mr. Harrington, please.

He tried to bring the dog in the building.

- It's fine, Joe.

- Sorry about that.

It's fine.

Good night.

- Good night now.

- A**hole.

- What are you doing?

- No, I just want to...

I just want to talk to

you for just one second.

- No!

- Please? Please?

- No!

- Look, I...

No, Mr. Harrington.

- I just want to talk to you.

- No.

This is completely unorthodox.

I've been waiting for three hours, man.

How long have you been coming to me?

- Uh, almost a year.

- Almost a year.

So you understand the policy of the office.

It's not a big deal.

Don't worry...

It is a big deal, sir.

You're breaking protocol.

You don't need to call me "sir".

That's a little impersonal.

Look, man, I know this is way out of line

for the doctor/patient relationship,

but that's the thing,

I'm not your patient anymore.

Mr. Harrington, you do not...

Solo!

- Solo! Whatever!

- What's your first name?

That is not necessary.

Well, it is if we're going to be friends.

Look, okay, okay.

Look,

I know we can't be friends.

I'm not some nut-job.

I'm not stalking you.

I just... can we just talk for a second?

Please?

I swear to God,

I'm not going to make this into a habit.

Look, look.

I got the dog.

What happened to it?

It got into a fight with a pit bull.

Come on, man!

This can never happen again.

I mean, never.

- I understand.

- It is completely unorthodox

for our purposes here,

or upstairs, wherever.

- I understand.

- I mean, if you want to see me,

you have to make an appointment.

Okay.

I want to hear you say it.

If I want to see you,

I have to make an appointment.

- Thank you. - Look, under

normal circumstances, I would.

But I can't, I'm broke.

You know that.

Is he going to go to the

bathroom back there?

Uh, yeah.

He might.

Look, I'm just going to make this quick,

all right?

Please.

Did I buy this car for you?

- Mr. Harrington!

- Okay. I... just kidding.

I'm kidding.

Look, I'm in a really bad spot here, okay?

Now, you told me to get the dog, all right?

No.

I did not tell you to get that dog.

You kind of did.

I did not.

Okay, you said, "pet".

You weren't implying that I get a snake,

were you?

Listen, in order for what I do

to have any sort of relevance...

Do you have a biscuit or something?

- I mean, the...

- Quiet.

Quiet! Shh!

In order for what I do

to have any relevance,

I never tell anybody what to do

or what not to do.

Okay, fine, doctor.

I got the dog.

Yes.

I can see that.

And I think that's good.

Are you f***ing with me?

No!

I would never do that.

Why is it good?

You tell me.

I almost got rid of it three times this week.

I have no idea why it was good.

Why didn't you get rid of it?

Because he's mine.

I don't know.

One second, he's just a dog,

and the next thing I know, he's mine.

I think that's progress.

- Oh, really?

- Yes!

Just tell me what's troubling you.

What's troubling me?

Well, let's see, I'm broke.

Like, food-stamp broke.

The... the dog's looking at me like,

"What the f*** are we going to do?"

I'm looking right back at him like,

"I have no f***ing idea. "

I... I just wanted something simple.

This... the whole thing back-fired.

This is the... the furthest thing

in the world from simple.

I... I can't write because

I'm scared to death

that I'm going to...

I'm going to be right back where I started.

But none of that mattered because I...

I was seeing you.

And now I don't even have

that and so I feel f***ed.

Life is a delicate negotiation.

What the f*** does that mean, anyway?

Well, it means something

different for everybody.

Can you be more vague?

What do you want?

Man, I just want to be happy.

Can you be more vague?

What's he doing?

Look, sorry.

It's okay.

It's just a dog, man.

Are you robbing me?

Hey, b*tch.

What...

What are you doing on my couch?

Chillin'.

How did you guys get in here?

This isn't exactly Fort Knox.

Ted's good with cheap doors.

Oh really?

Ted, did you know that breaking

into somebody's house is illegal?

Don't waste your time.

He doesn't speak any English.

Oh, sorry, Ted.

Now bring that little bean over here

and let me have a peak-a-boo.

What? No!

No, you guys have to leave right now.

Oh, look at the little bean!

Oh my God, to die.

- Okay, okay.

- Oh...

What happened, lil' bean?

Huh?

What's wrong with him?

Uh... n -nothing's wrong with him.

- He's fine.

- He doesn't look fine.

Does he have something?

What... have something?

What do you mean?

Like hives, scabies, rabies,

some undiagnosed disease.

No.

No, no.

- You sure?

- Yes, he...

he got into a fight.

Oh...

Okay, I'll take him.

No, no.

You're not going to take him.

He's no longer for the taking.

He belongs to me.

He's mine.

Look, I appreciate you coming by.

That's really nice.

Thank you, Ted.

But, really, you... you have to leave.

- How much?

- How much what?

How much for the dog, b*tch?

- Now I'm gonna break your legs.

- Benny!

What?

Are you selling that f***ing dog?

Benny!

No, I'm not selling the dog.

You better not be.

Wait, who's this?

Who's this?

Oh, great, a tough guy.

Ted!

Wait.

Ted, relax, all right?

Yeah, Ted, sit the f*** down.

No, Benny.

Ted doesn't speak any English.

Oh, good.

Neither does Frank.

- Frank!

- Okay, look, everything's fine here.

Jules, this is Benny.

Benny, this is Jules.

Ted, Frank, you guys have met.

That's great.

Everybody just relax, okay?

- All right, what the f***. Jules?

- Yes, honey?

- You want to buy that dog?

- Yes, I do.

Are you selling this f***ing dog?

You better not be.

I'm not selling the dog, all right?

The dog's not for sale.

Everything's for sale.

Not this dog.

That dog belongs to me.

Okay well, that's really not true, Benny.

Shut up, you.

Wait.

The dog belongs to you?

- That's right.

- Well, how much do you want for her?

First of all, it's a he dog.

Okay.

Can you just...

please not tell me to shut up?

I... you know,

I don't want to be rude or anything...

Then shut the f*** up.

Okay.

This guy owes me money.

I'm tired of waiting for it.

- You understand?

- Yeah, I do.

Now, just tell me the sum

of which he owes you,

I'll give it to him to give to you,

then he can give me the dog!

Everybody gets what they want.

You're a very smart lady.

You seem to have picked up

on everything that's going on here.

Oh, my God...

But you know what?

What you're not gathering

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