The Dog Problem Page #5

is that the money is

not the issue anymore.

A thing has developed

between me and the dog.

- Oh-h...

- I... I can't explain it.

Fortunately, I don't have to.

- I want the dog.

- So do I.

Well, so do I.

- Shut up!

- Shut up!

Okay.

I should warn you ahead of time,

Frank is an undefeated cage fighter.

Ted trained with the Gracies

in Brazil for eight years,

so we're not worried.

So, winner takes the dog?

Winner takes the dog.

Wait, wait, where's the f***ing dog?

What the f***?

My dog.

F***ing psychopaths.

This is Jonesy.

Wake up, you lazy f***ers.

It's time to take in that

miserable L.A. sunshine.

Get up, you f***ing c*nts.

So, um, what are you going to do?

I- I don't know.

- You need money?

- Yeah.

Yeah, you're f***ed.

Hey.

Is it... is it all right if I stay here

for... just for a couple of days?

What do you mean?

What do you mean what do I mean?

Well...

Is the dog going to sh*t?

Well, not if we don't feed it.

Do we have to feed it?

Do you, uh,

want to go to this place with me tonight?

No, I can't.

I'm supposed to shoot this lesbian tonight

and I've really been looking forward to it.

I have to go here.

Do you know what this place is?

No.

It's just where this girl works

and I have to tell her that

I don't have the money

that I owe her and that I'm

just a complete a**hole.

And you don't know this place?

No.

I do.

I better come with you.

No way.

No way.

What?

Okay, she's got to be a cocktail waitress.

No, I don't want to...

- I don't want to...

- Shh...

What can I get you guys?

Uh, yes,

I'd like a shrimp tempura hand roll, please.

What?

It was a joke.

- He was... he's kidding.

- Yeah, a beer.

Any beer would be great.

Thank you.

I don't see her.

I don't want to be here right now.

- Relax.

- Come with me, honey.

Really?

Like that?

This place is a'ight.

I just... no, I...

No, don't worry, this one's on the house.

I...

No, I know that's really nice,

but I'm just looking for somebody.

For real.

I... I... I'm really...

- Just relax.

- Wait!

- It's on the house.

- Oh my God...

- Breathe, baby.

- Stop!

Stop it!

Stop.

Stop! Stop!

Don't move.

Don't move.

Whoa, ho...

Oh... oh my God.

Did you just...

Okay, this is really awkward.

I... I...

All right, let's hear it for Margo.

All right, come on, guys.

If you liked her routine, let her know.

Oh, God.

Now I'm going to feel really dirty

asking for the money you owe me.

Yeah. Well, you can imagine

how dirty I'm going to feel

when I tell you I don't have it.

I'm s... I...

What?

Well, see, that's why I came here.

I just didn't want you think

that I was going back on my word.

Look, just come back when you have it.

Well no, see, that's the thing.

I don't know when that's going to be.

And I just want you to know

that I'm working on it, all right?

Look, I'm here.

Okay, wait.

- Could you just hold on for just a sec?

- What?

Well, I just feel a little stupid.

What?

About that?

Yeah, a little bit.

Yeah.

Don't feel stupid, sweetie.

It happens.

Not often, but it happens.

What happened?

- "Sweetie"?

- He got a little excited.

- What do you mean?

- No. She means nothing.

"Sweetie" makes it a little worse,

don't you think?

Excited how, though?

- Look, shut up!

- Okay.

I see how that can be misconstrued,

But that's not how I meant it.

No, it's just a little condescending.

I get it, but that's not how I meant it.

I... I know.

But you know what I mean.

Totally.

I...

Okay, look.

Uh, you...

you two seem like you have

a lot to talk about, right?

This is clearly not the place.

I say breakfast.

Hi, I'm Casper.

I'll be paying for breakfast.

Um, I'll need a friend, too, though.

So, um,

if you could grab one of your colleagues,

preferably the one dancing

on stage right over there,

that'd be great.

We'll grab a bite.

What do you say, 2:00 a. m.?

Here's your wig.

Let's go.

Shut up.

Her?

Okay.

I'm a...

I'm a fantastic guy.

I want you to know that.

All right.

I'm just going to get a couple of things.

Wait, what?

Like, clean underwear and stuff?

Okay, would you shut up?

I just can't believe that!

Shut up.

It's not funny.

Really?

Like...

Hurry.

All right.

Thank you.

- So, Candy, um...

- Yes, hi.

That's not your real name, is it?

No.

That is my real name.

Oh, so then what...

what's your stripper name?

- Pal!

- What?

I don't know.

What?

"Stage name"?

I apologize.

But everybody's so touchy.

Well...

No, it's okay, um...

My stripper name is Margo.

Margo.

That's great.

Margo, that's good.

And... and Candy would work too,

for your, uh, stripper name.

That's just an opinion.

I'm sorry.

Don't... for what?

Don't you dare...

Don't you dare be sorry.

- Ever. About anything.

- What are you doing?

- What are you doing?

- Come here.

Sorry!

Don't... oh, my God, she feels so good.

Everywhere.

It just feels good.

What?

Pal, come on.

What?

How do we look together?

Seriously, give me an honest answer.

How do we look together?

- Oh, my God.

- Amazing, right?

Good, right?

Really... really good.

Right?

Amazing.

- Right.

- Oh, my God.

Did you see the thing?

- Babe, do you realize something?

- What?

That I...

the puppy that we would have together.

Un... can you imagine?

Can you imagine?

- Really?

- Casper and Candy?

Candy and Casper.

Oh, my God.

It sounds right.

It's like it makes sense.

Right.

It's logical almost!

- You're crazy.

- I love you.

- Stop it.

- It's true.

- Stop.

- I have to show you something, right now.

- Why?

- Well, come on.

Oh, look a goose!

Where'd that come from?

Uh...

Thanks for going along with this.

It's okay.

I'm hungry.

Oh, really?

I hear the osso bucco's just amazing here.

All right.

What's the story?

What, the whole story?

Or what... what...

what story do you want to hear?

No, I mean... we have some time here.

So, let's start with your name.

Why Solo?

Oh...

Well, uh, when I... when I was...

when I was younger...

when I was born my, uh...

my mother considered

giving me up for adoption...

several times.

And then my father wasn't around

and she figured I'd end up alone,

one way or another, so she, uh...

she named me Solo.

That's it?

Mm -hmm.

Hippy sh*t.

That wasn't a long story.

I mean, the other day you

told me it was a long story.

That wasn't.

That was...

short.

It was nice,

to the point.

I liked it.

Well, I'm glad.

So then what happened?

Are you serious?

Well, I'm hoping that at some point

we're going to get to the money

that you owe me but you know,

- Oh, right, yeah.

I don't want to rush you or anything.

Yeah... is this making your

eyes cross a little bit?

How long have you been a stripper?

How long have you been a writer?

Why are you a stripper?

What's the name of your book?

It just... it just doesn't seem

like you're that kind of girl.

Look, I make a lot of money

taking off my clothes.

You're a writer and you're broke,

so don't judge.

What's the name of your book?

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