The Dog Problem Page #6

Do you really want to know?

Mm -hmm.

"The Naked Abyss. "

Piece of sh*t.

Thank you.

You read it.

Yeah.

I read it.

Really bad.

I mean, extraordinarily bad,

exceptionally bad.

That was actually one

of the reasons why it...

it stood out to me.

Well, I'm glad I left a mark.

No.

Actually, there's good news.

Yeah, there is.

I'm no longer a writer,

which is good news for you

and the rest of the book-reading world.

But bad news for me

because I can't even

afford to buy dog food.

No.

I remember reading it thinking:

"God, this guy is actually

a really good writer.

What is he doing writing

such a piece of sh*t?"

Well, look at that, ladies and gentlemen,

not only can she produce orgasm

without taking a single

article of clothing off,

but she's a critic as well, with insight.

Wow, you're really a pervert.

I know, I know.

Hello!

We just, uh, made out in the parking lot.

He's a good kisser.

Let's get the f*** out of here.

How about that?

Let's go back to my place.

Let's get the food to go.

We'll go back and we'll take some pictures

and do some fun stuff.

What do you say, Solo?

Solo?

Like your... that's your name-name, Solo?

No, honey you... you can't...

Your name is Candy.

You know, so, like, if you

had a name like Pam or Ruth

or even Betsy,

you could say that to him, but you can't

because your name is Candy.

Dude, you're soaking wet.

I'm sorry.

No, it's fine.

You know what I find really boring?

Besides my book?

Yeah, besides your book.

You know, the crazy thing

is that I couldn't agree with you more.

Every... every time

somebody tells me they liked it,

I feel sick to my stomach.

It was a very successful novel,

for the record.

All right.

Can we talk about me for a second?

Okay, yeah.

Sorry.

All these girls who I work with,

they're always talking about

what they're going to do

when they make enough money.

I mean, one's a painter, one's a singer...

Lots of artists.

Open a boutique,

start their own clothing line.

I mean, everybody has something.

I... I don't know if they really believe it

or if it's just some sort of excuse they have

for justifying what they're

doing with their lives.

But the point is...

I don't have an excuse, Solo.

It's what I do.

It's my job.

I was a hairdresser for six years,

a really good one.

And I make more money in one night

than I made cutting hair for two weeks.

So, I'm sorry about the water,

but sometimes people

think differently than I do

and...

it makes me mad.

It bums me out.

You know what?

I'm a loser.

I... I'm... I'm...

I'm no one to judge you.

I...

I watch war documentaries

and I spend most of my

time in my apartment

eating Domino's pizza.

I... I...

I spent an astronomical amount of money

on therapy because I wrote a shitty book.

I owe people money, including you.

I... I... I'm lonely.

I'm tired.

And I'm just trying to figure it all out.

You know, I spent almost a year

in daily psychoanalysis

and the grand, overwhelming conclusion

is that I should buy a pet.

So you bought a dog.

Yeah.

I bought a dog.

Well, I think that's commendable.

Oh good.

Yeah.

The... the highlight since buying him

was when he sh*t all over the linoleum

instead of the carpet.

But I'm glad you think

that's commendable.

No, I do.

I think you're on the right track.

Yeah well, you know.

You have a dog.

No.

You got me.

I don't.

Well, what about Vito?

Vito belongs to a friend.

I... walk him occasionally.

I mean, I get lonely, too.

See?

I got things, you got things.

Life, it's a delicate...

- Negotiation.

- Yes.

Wait a minute.

Wait.

Is that what you were about to say?

Yeah.

Do you know a Dr. Nourmand?

What's his first name?

Oh...

Pal!

I'm sorry!

She was doing stuff!

Oh, how are you?

Little kibble and bit.

Oh, look at her.

What's her name?

It's a boy.

That's not mine.

Oh.

What do you guys want to drink?

Uh, whatever.

Please tell me you've named the dog.

Uh, yeah, I haven't really had time yet.

I have to shoot pictures of her right now.

You make them drinks, okay?

Well, what do you have?

Nothing, really.

Hey, hey, I know.

He's a cute...

He's so cute.

So...

you haven't had time?

Uh, yeah, things have been really crazy.

You know, he doesn't really have drinks

or anything like that.

- I'm not thirsty.

Oh, that's good.

You should name your dog.

Oh, I will.

I will.

Hey, do you think she wants a drink?

Well, I don't think it matters if there's,

you know...

Right.

I guess not.

Uh, maybe we should go

out and get some drinks.

I mean, we just... you know, I mean...

Well, it's 3:
00 a. m.

Yeah.

Let me just go ask them really quickly.

Okay.

What are you doing?

Get out of here.

You know, I think I might

have some drinks at my house

if you want to just go

and maybe we could hang

out and talk and whatever

and have some drinks.

As long as you promise

never, ever to say the word "drinks" again.

- Yes, then...

- Right. Okay.

I'd love to hang out with you.

Yeah.

Okay, great.

Okay.

All right.

Don't look at that.

Hey, baby, right here.

Yes! Yes!

Oh, holler at your boy!

Yes!

This is a sexy party and Candy's involved.

Candy's involv...

Look at that.

Oh my God!

Holler back!

You know,

I've never actually liked small dogs.

I mean, the constant yapping for nothing.

But, I don't know,

he has a big dog disposition.

You know,

he looks at you like he thinks he's tough.

I think I like him.

Uh, can you just give me one second?

You know,

I don't care if your place is messy.

It is.

And I...

I... just give me one second, okay?

Okay.

Whew, your daddy has major issues.

What the f***?

I don't have drinks.

I said "drinks".

Yeah, you did.

Hey, do you want to just go somewhere?

You know, like,

go somewhere and talk and whatever.

We can talk and...

I'm sorry.

I'm being an idiot.

You're not being an idiot.

Oh, thanks.

It's getting late.

Why don't we just call it a night?

No, it's not getting late.

Look...

I've had a... time.

Yeah, me too.

But I think maybe I should just go home.

Oh, okay, yeah.

Can I come?

Man, that dog can eat.

Yeah, it's been a while.

What?

I'm a terrible master.

You don't feed your dog?

No. I... I do.

I feed him.

Uh, I tried to, you know,

but then I had to go, and then

when I came back to get the food

it spilled all over the place and then...

and, uh... he...

he doesn't like to, uh, eat peanut butter,

and so, uh...

I'm really tired right now.

All right...

Um...

Why don't you relax?

What?

I don't know, like, take your shoes off...

Okay.

Make it comfy.

Relax.

Here, this is good for your

back if you put it betw...

Yeah.

Do you want to lay down next to me?

Not so much.

Hypothetically speaking?

Not so much.

How come?

Let's just relax.

Okay.

I swore myself to celibacy.

Well, I said lay down,

not take your clothes off.

But I...

I also said hypothetically speaking.

I mean, would you like to is more...

the question.

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