The Dog Problem Page #7

And I said, not so much.

I know. Twice.

- Why?

- It's just not my thing.

Well, it's not really my thing, either.

And that's why I thought... it'd be nice.

No, really.

No, eat, sleep, therapy, repeat.

That's... that's... that's me.

I bet I haven't done the thing

longer than you haven't done the thing.

Two years.

That's longer than me.

Yeah.

No, I mean, I used to see guys

who would come into the club

and each one, I'd think, "Oh, God,

this is different. "

You know, "It's supposed to be. "

And, "It's meant to happen.

It's fate. "

And...

nothing panned out.

Wait, you'd go home with

guys from Cheetah's?

- Don't judge me!

- Sorry.

- You're here.

- That's different!

Yeah.

See what I mean?

Yeah.

Hey...

He really likes you.

There's something that's

special about this dog.

You know, it's funny you should say that.

Not that I would, but I could have sold him

for ten times the amount

of what I paid for him

several times this week and it's only Friday.

It's Thursday.

Yeah.

See?

There are people ready to pay big money

for that little dog.

Really?

Yeah.

You can come with me.

Hello?

Hello, Lola?

Hello?

Doggie?

Casper!

- Casper!

- Freeze!

- Oh, sorry.

- Agh!

I'm sorry.

Don't ever f***ing do that again, man!

That was awful.

F***!

What is going on?

Your friend's a thief.

That's what's going on, all right?

What?

She's a dog thief.

She stole my dog.

All right.

Please just relax for one second, okay?

I still have a hard-on here.

Tell me what happened.

I went to sleep, I woke up,

the dog was gone.

No Lola, no dog.

Okay, why would she steal your dog?

'Cause she's a thieving stripper!

I wouldn't steal your dog.

Oh, really?

What if you thought

you could get a lot of money for him?

Uh.

Well, then, yeah, I would.

Yeah.

See? See?

No, no, no, just wait.

You woke up where?

At her house.

- Lola's?

- Yeah.

Did you hit it?

No, I did not hit it!

Sorry.

Oh, man, I can't believe this horseshit!

All right,

all right, all right.

Maybe... just throwing it out...

maybe she just took the dog for a walk?

That's interesting.

Why don't you just go

back over there and see?

Yeah, I'm just going to do that.

I'm going to go back to her house,

you know.

The dog's probably there just chilling

and, you know, I'm making... going crazy.

I'm going to go back there.

She won't be there.

What? She's not? Why?

Because she has Legs 'N Eggs today.

Okay.

What the f*** is Legs 'N Eggs?

Legs 'N Eggs is the, uh, the day shift...

at the club.

Oh, so she's at the place?

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm going to the place.

Good luck.

Is that bad that I'd take the dog?

Lola, will you toss me that top?

Hey!

Are you kidding me?

Hi.

Lola, where's my dog?

I took him to your house.

Okay.

I'm going to ask you one more time,

and I sw...

Wait, why'd you do that?

I woke up, I took him for a walk.

When I got back, you weren't there

so I had to go to work.

I...

So I thought I'd just

take him to your house.

And the door was open so I just let him in.

I...

What?

Is there a problem?

No.

Was anybody there?

- I don't know.

- Are you absolutely positive?

No.

That's what I just said.

I don't know.

Right.

What?

Did you think I stole him or something?

- No. No, I was just...

- Okay.

I'm not... I...

I just didn't... I couldn't.

- I don't know where he is.

- Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Sorry.

Strange.

Do you want to f*** with me?

Now I'm pissed.

F*** with me now.

I'm coming, little dog.

Yes, may I help you?

Yeah, I'm here to install the thing.

I don't believe I heard you correctly.

Excuse me.

Jules!

Hey, b*tch?

Can I help you, sir?

Jules!

Where's the dog?

- Did you bring him?

- Where is he?

This man would like to know where...

- Go away, Jeffrey.

- Yes, madam.

- Scotch rocks, Jeffrey.

- Right away, sir.

All right, where is he?

And I swear to God

I'm not playing around.

Oh, look, he has testicles.

Where's who, f***-face?

Okay, you know what?

Don't do that.

Why don't... I... I just want my dog.

I... I want my dog right now.

Yeah, well, I wish I had him

so I could tell you to go f*** yourself.

What the hell is going on down here?

What the hell is he doing...

What are you doing here?

I'll be asking the questions here, f***-face!

Where's the dog?

All right, what's with the "f***-face"?

- I mean, really?

- He doesn't have him.

All right, now I'm breaking your legs.

That's it.

All right, pal, put some clothes on.

Oh, thanks, Jeffrey.

Hey, Jeffrey, can you set me up

with one of those omelettes that you do?

Um, I'm starving here.

Right away, sir.

Madam?

Go away, Jeffrey.

Yes, madam.

Hey, baby, be nice to Jeffrey.

He's a good guy.

- Whatever.

- What, she's "baby" now?

She's "baby"?

I mean, give me a f***ing break here.

Well, if you must know,

you nosy little prick,

We are now together.

You know, it's difficult in life

to find people with common interests.

- Oh!

- Which is besides the point.

Where's the f***ing dog?

He doesn't have the dog, stupid.

He thinks we have the dog.

We don't have the dog.

You really don't have the dog?

What did she just say, stupid?

Hey, where are the bodyguards?

Hospitalised.

Oh.

Oh! Uh!

Uh! A-ah!

- Ah!

- Oh, get up.

I- I really want to apologize

to you for earlier.

I was a complete a**hole.

But I had a little bit of a freak-out

because last night when

we went back to my place

and I walked in and there were two people

sleeping in my bed...

Do you mind if I sit down?

I am so sorry.

No, no, no, no.

It's not your fault.

- No, it is.

- No, come on.

I feel like I could kill myself.

Don't do that.

I think I'm going to cry.

Okay, really, don't do that.

I'm bad with that.

I... I would much rather you kill yourself.

Don't you want to cry?

I mean, maybe we should cry together.

I just...

I just can't figure it out.

No, I...

I shut the door.

- I... I put him inside...

- No, no, it's not that.

- and then I shut the door...

- No, I believe you.

I just...

I just feel like somebody's laughing at me.

Like I...

I'm just trying and trying

and it's just impossible.

And I... I don't... I...

I feel like I can't win.

Yeah, it sucks to care about something.

Every time you do,

it has a bad ending.

Come on.

I'll take you home.

Three new messages.

First new mess...

Yo.

What's really good?

It's me.

Tell him I said hi.

Candy says hi.

We're just, uh... we're just sitting here.

I hope you're okay.

Let me know if there's anything I can...

Hey!

Sorry, "we" can do.

And call me right away

if you hear anything.

Message erased.

Next message, se...

Hey, it's Jules.

Yeah, we're just driving around right now

looking for the bean.

Do me a favour, call my cell

and let us know if you

find him or hear anything.

I'm gonna...

What? Oh.

Yeah.

Benny says he's going to f*** you up

for breaking his nose.

Anyway, 310-613-21...

Message erased.

Next message, sent on...

Hey, this is Brad from Petlove.

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