The Double Page #3

Here is your coffee,

your beer and your breakfast.

We're out of coke.

You both have very beautiful hands.

To be continued.

Don't go anywhere.

The dark-haired one is a dirty dirty

thing. Which one do you want?

- I'm sorry?

- I prefer the brunette, but either way.

That's all right,

you can have both.

- Never again.

- I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

- Hey, watch it, will you?

- Sorry, sorry.

What the f*** are you

gonna do about it?

Hi, I don't think we've talked.

Would you mind holding

this for me? Thank you.

We should leave.

How come you don't

have a girlfriend?

I don't know.

You a flamer?

No, there's someone I've

been thinking about.

A lot.

- Like some fantasy sh*t?

- No, she's real.

A person.

- So what's the problem?

- I don't know.

I have all these things that I

want to say to her, like...

Like how I can tell that she's a lonely

person, even if other people can't.

'Cause... 'Cause I know

what it feels like

to be lost and lonely

and invisible.

Simon, you have to go

after what you want.

I would tear the a**hole off an elephant

for a piece of trim I wanted that bad.

I've tried talking to her, but

I don't know how to be myself.

It's like I'm permanently

outside myself.

Like... like you could push your hand

straight through me if you wanted to.

And I couldn't see the type

of man that I wanna be

versus the type of

man I actually am.

And I know that I'm doing it, but I'm

incapable of doing what needs to be done.

I'm like Pinocchio.

I'm a wooden boy,

not a real boy.

And it kills me.

Hey, it's okay. He's with me.

Oh. Please.

Any friend of James's

is a friend of mine.

I'm not even making

that up, really.

Oh, Harris, did you get a chance

to take a look at that report yet?

Ah, good, thank you. No, not now.

And, uh, Rudolph,

no rush on the coffee.

I'll take a nap or something.

- What switch?

- What switch?

The switch. You're taking

the aptitude test for me.

We-we went through all this

last night, the switch.

- Please stop saying "the switch."

- You said you would help me

with all this boring office-work

crap like this test.

I've got reports to finish. I am out

of my booth. I have to teach Melanie.

Just take the test.

I'll babysit for an hour.

- Do you even know what we do here?

- What's to know?

What if we get caught?

Well, how will we get caught?

We have the same face.

You may now turn over your paper.

Look at the two screens

and identify the next

figure in the sequence.

All the boys in my school are

so childish, so immature.

No, nothing but a batch

of raging hormones.

It's like daddy wanted me to go

on a date with his friend's son.

Like just 'cause we're the

same age doesn't mean

- we have anything in common.

- Mm-hmm, no.

It's no substitute for a real spiritual

connection or... or finding your soul mate.

I don't know, I've always

felt that emotional maturity

is totally unrelated to material age.

I'm just interested in the real person.

- Do you drink coffee?

- No.

Would you like to try one?

- Finished already?

- Yes, sorry.

When do you think you'll

have the results?

For you, right away.

But you need to realize

that data entry

and collection and

computers and stuff,

it can be sensual. It

does have a romance.

It can be sexy. All these

lives that we're recording,

their hopes, their

dreams, their loves...

Each person out there,

apart yet connected.

We're giving these faceless

people immortality.

Wow.

That's an amazing way

of looking at it.

These results are off

the charts, James.

I knew we hired the right

man, I just knew it.

Thank you, sir.

Where is the kid from that desk?

He's been here a while;

Just between you and me,

- he hasn't impressed.

- I'm sure there must be some explanation.

Sticking up for a co-worker even

though he has limited ability...

I like that. Very admirable.

- So?

- Where were you?

- How did I do?

- You aced it.

- Oh! I knew it.

- I told you to be back an hour ago.

Oh, don't worry about it,

the old man's an idiot.

We are gonna be running this place.

All right, so I will leave you to

finish up and get out of your hair.

Where is she? There she is!

Oh, you got me. You got me.

And it's a good thing I fixed my printer.

Just used a little elbow grease,

so I won't be needing

to come down as much.

When you rub them together

they usually sound like crickets,

- but... I've lost it.

- And I'm sorry

I missed you at the Colonel's

ball the other night.

- I think they've changed the cups.

- Well, back to work.

Hmm. Strange.

- Hey, that went great!

- I don't know.

Leave her wanting more. Did you use the

line about the elbow grease? That's erotic.

Okay, within a week you're

going to get hand on boob.

That is a promise. Now we stick

to the plan, okay? No contact.

Cold Turkey for a

few days. All right?

Yeah yeah, she's

definitely looking at you.

You had a little setback at

the ball, but now she's going

"how come Simon hasn't been down to

see me? Why is he being all mysterious?

What's going on in that

magnificent mind of his?"

- Do you really think she's looking at me?

- Yeah.

- All right, now lick your lips.

- Yeah. What?

It sends out a subliminal

sexual signal.

Show the tongue, but be careful

not to look like a lizard. Go.

Yeah, now.

- I feel so stupid.

- Here we go.

Oh... oh.

Is that okay if I stand here?

- Yes, it is.

- Hmm.

So I was thinking maybe we

should meet up sometime.

Just you and me.

This is obviously making

you uncomfortable.

- I was wondering if he mentioned me.

- No, it isn't.

- When you say you've never met anyone like James...

- Yes.

- I've never met anyone like James.

- I find that hard to process.

- What's hard to process about it?

- What is so unique about him?

- I don't know.

- Try to think.

- He has something.

- Yes, okay, but you've

never even spoken to him, so how

can you know if he has something?

I think you can tell

by looking at someone.

- By looking at someone? I don't under...

- Yes, f***!

- I'll tell him myself.

- Let's not do that. That won't work.

- I'm putting myself on the line, I'm vulnerable...

- I understand that.

- I thought you might wanna help.

- I didn't mean to impose.

No knife to your throat

so don't worry about it.

- No, no, I wanna tell him. Please let me.

- Really?

- Yes, I will tell him.

- Are you sure?

- Yes.

- My God, thank you.

- Thank you.

- That's great, thank you.

- Okay.

- Um, thanks, er...

- Simon.

- ...Simon. I'm sorry.

I'm just flustered, but

that's great, thank you.

- Are your hands normally this warm?

- Quite often.

Hmm. And when did you

think our food will arrive?

It normally takes awhile.

I can't say I'm surprised,

but I think this is a good thing.

We'll make a date and

you can go as me.

- I'll give you more coaching.

- Do you think that's ethical?

Er, don't take this the wrong way, but

I think it's unlikely you'll be able

to get into an unethical

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