The Double Page #4

situation on a first date.

"Unethical," that's very sweet.

When you're walking with a

woman or standing next to one,

you wanna put your hand on their

lower back, not the ass...

They sometimes get upset

about that... but just above it.

It shows you're interested, but you can

push them down the stairs at any moment.

- Why?

- Because you've got leverage.

- So wait, here? What?

- Stop that. That's gay.

- But you just did it to me.

- Yes, but it was me.

- Do you see the difference?

- Oh.

You can't be doing anything gay.

No ice-cream cones.

- I like ice cream.

- Of course. It's delicious.

Ice cream is fine in a

cup, but in a cone is gay

- unless you're with a woman at the time.

- Anything else?

No riding on a motorcycle

with another man.

Exceptions are drive-by

shootings, bomb throwings

and purse snatchings.

Anything else is gay.

- You seem to know a lot about this.

- Defense wins championships.

You need to tell them how

great you are all the time,

- which means make things up.

- What if they find out?

Make it hard to research, like you

were the captain of a Jai-Alai team

or a brigadier general in the

Navy. Something like that.

I don't think anybody

would believe that.

Then change the subject

and deny everything.

- I just don't know if that's me.

- That's why it's so good.

Just say something.

I used to be an olympic swimmer.

Go to the bathroom now.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

- What the f***?

- I can't do this

with you shouting in

my ear like that.

This would be fine if

you'd do what I tell you.

Like jam my knee between her thighs?

I can't do things like that.

I know, that's why

you're gonna die alone.

Sorry, that was cruel. I'm just...

I'm just so frustrated for you.

Look, just give me your jacket.

I'll patch things up, okay?

- I'm sorry.

- Don't be sorry.

No, I am. I've screwed this up.

You can't help it. You're

just not good at this.

- I know.

- I know you know. Give me your jacket.

Wait, did you move tables?

No.

- Hey, what are you doing?

- I'm leaving, is that okay?

No, why?

...blue blue, blue chateau...

just put it back on the

hanger, thank you.

...blue blue, blue chateau...

...blue blue, blue chateau

Blue, blue, blue,

blue, blue, blue

Chateau...

Excuse me.

Did you see a man

who looks exactly like me

- walk in here with a woman?

- This boy's not serious.

- Visitors have to sign in.

- I'm not a visitor.

No, I have to go.

No, I really have to go.

Okay, but I have to go.

Yeah, I have to go.

No, it isn't, I need

to go. It's fine.

I'm at work.

Okay.

Hi. Uh, I know the policy, but my

printer is actually broken again, so.

- How's your growth?

- Hannah, the creepy guy's here again.

Yeah.

- Hi, creepy guy.

- Hey, Hannah.

I was just telling your colleague

that I know the policy,

but my printer is

actually broken again.

- Oh, I thought you fixed it with elbow grease.

- Yes.

Want me to call someone up to

fix it? What's your desk number?

- Hi, I'm with somebody whose printer is broken.

- Oh no, no. No, no.

No, no, no, no, I actually need

the copy pretty urgently, yeah.

Uh... it's a report of special

importance to the Colonel.

He's taken a particular

interest in my findings lately.

I haven't actually

met him in person,

but I think he knows a lot about

my work, so maybe I'll just...

Oh, that reminds me, you had

your date with James, did you?

Was that last night?

Did you want me to photocopy that?

Yes, please. That is why I'm here.

One copy.

- So how'd it go?

- How did what go?

With James. I just wanted to ask 'cause I

didn't see you on the train this morning.

Not that I'm in the habit

of seeing you on the train,

but I wanted to ask 'cause

I made the introduction.

- Thanks for the introduction.

- I wanted to make sure...

That he didn't take

advantage of me?

Did he?

Do that? 'Cause then

I'd feel responsible

- 'cause I made the introduction.

- That's very kind of you.

- So you're okay?

- I'm okay.

Okay, good. Then

that's fine. Thank you.

That's a relief, actually,

to me. That's relieved me,

because I made the introduction

is all. Thank you, good.

Guess who.

Oh God. This is Melanie.

Hi, Melanie.

- We've met.

- Have we?

Yeah. Papadopoulos

asked me to tutor her.

- He's the best teacher I've ever had.

- Thank you.

- I'm learning a lot.

- Well, she's a good student.

- Pupil, so. So we'll get back to work.

- A lot.

Okay.

I'm not actually meant to be

here, but I have a report

that I think would be of

interest to Mr. Papadopoulos.

Sorry, my name is Simon James,

but I don't have my I.D.

Or my supplementary I.D.

The only thing it hasn't been is

consistent. I'll be one moment.

This is the report I

was telling you about.

Great work, James!

That's the type of

initiative I like.

Oh, thank you, sir. I just

think a man should do

the best he can possibly

do at the work he's doing.

- But, sir, I...

- I don't know what I'm paying you for.

This guy just started.

Why can't you work like that?

I just started.

Sir, I think I have to make

something clear here. I...

Use words.

Look, I'm not angry with you, son,

I just hope you can raise the

level of your performance.

Hell! Why don't you

work with James here?

See if you can help him

put something together.

I would really like that.

Yeah, Mr. P, that's

a fantastic idea.

I'm a good worker. I...

So this is the great James Simon.

This used to be my favorite song.

There's no song playing.

And you hate music.

I think the nurse

stole my undershirt.

You're right, I do hate music.

You're still not right.

Make the cut deep.

- Oh, excuse me, sir?

- Yeah?

Did you know that people in

here are carrying weapons?

Yeah.

How long has this been going on?

A while.

Hello.

Hannah, this is James.

Come up. I want you.

I want you to stop seeing Hannah.

I see.

And I want you to stop

messing around with Melanie.

What else?

And I want you to tell

Papadopoulos that I've been

doing all your work for

you since you got here.

Mm-hmm, okay. Well, I

wanna show Papadopoulos

this photo of you and his daughter.

- Oh, well...

- How do you sleep?

Yeah, I just...

Now who do you think

Papadopoulos is gonna believe?

Some dink he still calls Stanley?

Or this guy?

So I need the key...

To your apartment.

You see, Melanie is

a bit of a screamer

and I don't want Hannah coming

up and making another scene.

It'll just be easier

if we use your place.

Now do you need to see the

photo again or are you okay?

I'll also be taking other women up there

in case you notice different smells.

Hey.

I'm James.

Get up.

Get up.

Or do you wanna die on the

ground, like a snake?

There he is.

- Hey, what are you working on?

- It's private.

Can you please not lean

on my work station?

- So I need that key again.

- No.

- That was it. No more.

- All right, I understand.

Hey, Mr. Papadopoulos.

Simon has something he

wanted to show you.

- Oh. Key.

- No, I can't.

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