The Dramatics: A Comedy Page #2

He's having that

dinner party at his house.

So, can you please just figure

out a way to get over it?

I'm not going to that sh*t.

All right? I already told you.

I hate your

stupid actor friends.

They sit around,

just trying to pump each other up.

- Trying to act like their life is so great.

- Such a dick!

Which, I got news for them,

they're not!

Okay? I got other sh*t

to do, by the way.

I'm sorry, but smoking pot

and jerking off,

does not constitute

other sh*t to do.

Okay, I was not jerking off.

I'm not going to that thing because

I'm going shopping for a gun.

You're going gun shopping?

Like, tonight?

I'm gonna start in the daytime. In late

afternoon, probably, when my schedule clears up,

and then I'm gonna continue until

I find the gun that I like.

It's probably gonna

take me into nightfall.

- Why do you want a gun?

- For protection.

- From what?

- From the f***ing elements, babe.

- Are you kidding me? From evil.

- Evil?

You're a vulnerable woman.

You need to be protected.

That's where I come in

With a gun.

Honestly, if you wanna protect me,

then make some money.

You think money's gonna

keep you f***ing secure

when someone is

banging down your door

trying to steal your

f***ing food and kill you?

No one's gonna bang down our door

if we're living in Hollywood Hills.

- Why not?

- Because we're in the Hills.

Away from violent,

hungry people.

Those people, they can't

walk up a hill, then?

- No!

- Why not?

Because they're too hungry.

You're f***ing...

Are you kidding me?

It's not a joke.

That's for real.

You kidding me?

That is so idiotic!

That is the most f***ing

idiotic thing I've ever heard!

You know what?

If you think money's gonna keep you secure,

go ahead and leave me.

All right?

And then, just go marry some rich dick head

like Alex Wilson Dickson.

How about that?

Alex Wilson Dickson.

You're mouth, it's already been in there. So

that's like sort of old territory for you.

- F***ing stuck in his dick.

- Honestly... Honestly...

- You can marry him and get a bunch of f***ing money.

- If it's between a rich dude

- and Mr. F*** Money...

- Listen to me. Be quiet.

- I have to buy a gun so I can feel like a man?

- Be quiet and listen to me.

You can have money and then you're gonna

mistake that for a sense of self worth.

- I will f***ing marry a rich dude.

- I promise you you're still gonna f***ing hate yourself.

- You're such a dick!

- You're still gonna hate yourself.

- You're such a f***ing... F*** you!

- I'm not a dick.

- It's the f***ing truth.

- You are a dick!

I should answer that.

I have to answer that.

It's the f***ing truth.

Why?

- It's my agent.

- So what?

- F***ing take it.

- Hello?

Hi Katie.

What?

I got the part.

- What? What part?

- The Master's Maiden.

I guess Bryan J. Macy watched

my tape and said I was his...

He said I was his girl.

So I got it.

I'm, um...

Production starts

next week in England.

Isn't that insane?

This is gonna be huge!

- Okay.

- Oh my God! I have to stop eating.

I'm gonna be in like

corsets and sh*t.

- F***!

- How long are you gonna be gone for?

- Six months.

- Ohh!

You'll come visit, obviously.

Why? So I can have

front row seats

to Bryan J. Macy

f***ing my girlfriend?

No, thank you.

I can't believe you're making

this about you right now.

This is a huge

opportunity for me.

- I gotta go.

- Where?

- Coach improv.

- Okay.

Wait...

I can't be seen drinking OJ.

Do you know what kind of political

ramifications there'll be?

I'm a black man.

- Black men drink OJ.

- Listen. Stop, guys.

This is why Capital Hill's

going downhill.

Scene. Okay, um...

That's was okay.

Was it?

I don't, I don't know.

Be real.

Make a decision.

What's unusual?

Play that, okay? Next scene.

Hey, roomie, don't, uh,

don't forget the rent's due next week.

Oh, no, I totally forgot.

I'm completely broke right now.

What?

What are you talking about?

What are we supposed to do?

Well, if you can find

a way to cover me, I can

maybe find a way to repay you?

I'm not quite sure

what you mean by that.

You know, I could

do you a favor.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Like, a special

sexy kind of favor.

What do you mean by special?

- You know what I mean.

- Scene.

Okay, great,

so what's the joke, uh...

Sorry, what's your name again?

Abigail. Or Abby.

Either ways.

Abigail. Okay. So what's the joke?

Like, what's the game?

That you're trying to be sexy?

- Ye-yeah...

- What is that?

Okay, here's the thing.

Like, here's a better question.

Where does that lead?

You know what I mean?

What if he says yes? Then what?

Like, you guys have improv sex?

So what? We sit here and

watch you guys like do this?

You have like improv sex. You know

what I mean? It seems funny and cute.

The problem is it's a slippery slope.

You know what I'm saying?

It's like, first you're having improv sex,

then you're okay with that.

The next thing you know,

you're auditioning

to be someone's

sexual submissive.

And then after that,

you're letting some Oscar-winning f*** head

stick his dick in you because that's

what you think it takes to be an actor.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Next scene,

Don't take me wrong.

No, I...

Don't get me wrong.

I'm incredibly grateful for my job

for so many different reasons.

I mean, not the least of which is that it's

made me a heavy-hitter in the Twitter-sphere

Which I don't really

care about...

- I... No, honestly, I don't.

- It counts.

Well, it does. I mean, it's, uh, an amazing

platform for my charity work, so...

And then you've got the cast and,

uh, and the crew is amazing.

Except for...

you know who.

I'm not gonna say any names. I don't

like saying anything bad about anybody.

But you know

who I'm talking about.

And yet, some days,

you just think,

"Is this really making

the world a better place?"

You make tens of millions

of people laugh every week.

You cannot underestimate

the power of that.

No, I-I-I don't. I don't.

I appreciate it.

I just... You know, sometimes it

gets a little rough when you're...

F***.

I'm such a douche.

- No, you aren't.

- I am.

- We totally get it.

- Wait a minute. Stop this.

This... Tonight is

about you.

- Beautiful...

- Stop.

No, it is. I just want to say

congratulations on your job.

Th-This is gonna be huge

for you. Huge!

- To Katie.

- Thank you.

Come here.

Eww.

You know how long

it's been since New York?

Ugh, god, so long.

- Do you remember oeuvre oui?

- Yes!

- Yes?

- Of course I remember.

- And the village culture?

- Yes!

You were amazing.

No, you were. You were.

- You were

- No.

- You stole that show.

- Remember the last night party?

- At that pub!

- Oh, I'm surprised you remember.

This one gets up on the bar,

unprompted, mind you,

and grabs on to one of the

pipes and starts pole dancing.

I forgot about that!

Yeah, I didn't.

I didn't forget.

'Cause then I walked you home.

- Yeah.

- Right?

I'm sorry.

- Hey, no, no, no.

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