The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning Page #8

on my tight, toned butt.

Let's forget that all happened, all right?

Heat of the moment.

It'll never happen again.

- That truck wasn't cold.

- What truck?

A Hogg ice cream truck just drove by.

I hit it with my hand and it was warm.

It's kind of hard to keep ice cream cold

with a truck with no freezer.

Okay, I really am the good-looking one.

Explain.

Hogg's using the truck to transport shine.

It's a cover.

And I bet I know

where he's keeping that shine.

Hogg's Ravine, the ice cream factory!

Come on. Let's go find Daisy and Cooter.

The farm belongs to Boss at noon.

That doesn't give us much time.

- I'm so stupid for falling for Hughie.

- You're not stupid, Daisy.

You're the smartest person I know.

He made me feel pretty.

You don't need some big city jackass

to tell you you're pretty.

Yeah.

Hell, Luke and I wanted

to get nasty with you several times

till we realized you were our cousin.

Actually, that didn't even matter to Luke.

It's true.

Thanks, boys.

So what are we gonna do?

We are gonna get Boss to pay for the farm

out of his own pocket.

And why would he do that?

Nothing prettier than a good plan

coming together amongst friends.

I know y'all are anxious to hear about it,

but that'd ruin the surprise.

Well, it ain't perfect.

The General's hurt.

I can't believe I'm gonna let you leave

with the seats all torn.

It breaks my damn heart.

And hopefully, she'll last long enough

for us to do what we gotta do.

Hope's all we got.

Hope and a prayer.

And a dream.

- Hope and a prayer and a dream.

- Okay, we got it, Cooter.

- Thank you, buddy.

- Okay.

Be careful.

Election day in Hazzard,

where folks are expected to vote early

and vote often for Jefferson Davis Hogg.

What a beautiful day for democracy

here in Hazzard.

Here's part one of the plan.

Y'all are gonna see what they mean

by beauty and brains.

Hi, Deputy.

Anything exciting happening?

I don't really get to leave the station,

so this is...

Well, I bet there's a lot

of important police business here.

- Wanna show me around?

- Oh, yes, please.

Every voter is going to get a coupon

good for $1 .00 off

at Hogg's Car Wash and Delicatessen.

Let's get high on the Hogg!

Part two, Cooter's no philosopher,

but he can handle a tow truck

with the grace of a figure skater.

Now all the commissioners here,

we've gotten together and they've seen

how we're living in Hazzard.

It's pure, simple, it's good.

One hand on the Bible,

the other hand on the plow.

That's why we've all banded together

to turn our glorious state dry.

Now, this is just the beginning

of a program that I...

Part three, Bo, Luke and the General Lee.

The perfect marriage of men and machine.

Well, if it ain't the Duke boys

come to turn themself in!

Rosco...

Now, Cooter.

What the...

Oh, boy, are you all right?

Howdy, Boss.

Oh, you Dukes are gonna

face the firing squad for this.

Get in.

Go, Bo.

Attention all units.

Two male suspects driving

a kick-ass orange '69 Charger

are believed to have kidnapped

Commissioner Hogg.

All units respond.

Enjoy the sunny day.

This here

is the emergency broadcast system.

In case of emergency, I get on the horn,

they send me in there,

or I make the call, I mean...

I ain't never seen one of these before.

I don't think you should be playing

with that, Daisy.

- Enos, hand me that screwdriver.

- Yes, ma'am.

You can slow down any time you want!

We got no reason to live!

You've taken the farm from us,

locked up my Uncle Jesse,

now you got us on the run.

You plowed my wife's field

you sexual miscreant.

You should burn at the stake!

We'd rather be the famous outlaws

that died in a police chase.

Unless you tell us

about your shine business!

That's a good one!

I ain't telling you Dukes a thing!

It's either jail or the cemetery

for two no-good bums like you.

Guess we'll take the cemetery, then!

Yeah!

Those darn Duke boys.

It don't get any better than this!

We got them now!

This is Rosco P. Coltrane,

and I'm in hot pursuit of them Duke boys.

He shot us!

"Protect and serve," my ass!

Hot damn!

Get their tires!

Don't shoot me, you stupid...

Hot damn! I'm alive!

What are you doing?

Wait! You ain't gonna do it!

Boss, you got anything you'd like to say

to your maker, now's a good time.

You ready, Daisy?

You're bluffing!

Don't do it! No!

What...

Getting close, Boss.

Okay! Okay, I...

I locked up your uncle so I could...

So I could run a monopoly, shine

monopoly out of the Boar's Nest, see?

- Then I'd watch these normal people...

- He's a pig!

...spending their hard-earned dollars!

Decent people

spending their money there!

Are you happy?

Are you happy? Is that a crime?

You boys did it!

Everyone in town heard Boss.

Why, you dirty, filthy, conniving Dukes!

Well, it don't matter, though.

You need a little thing called evidence.

Then we got one more thing to do!

No you don't! No you don't!

No!

They're heading back for the ravine!

They're gonna die!

Jump that already! Jump it!

Damn!

Kind of a nifty plan, huh?

See, the boys just found

Boss Hogg's shine operation.

You know what that means.

Excuse me.

I hope Boss brought his checkbook.

Oh, boy.

Folks were mighty tired

of all the shenanigans.

So, Boss was forced to let the shiners go.

Whoa! Hey.

Well, well, well.

Looks like little bluebird is ready to fly.

- Hey.

- Hey!

It's the boys and the girl. How are you?

You know, your folks sent y'all down here

to learn to be gentlemen,

you wind up breaking the law,

running shine

and doing a damn good job of it, too,

I might add.

Let's blow this pop stand, come on.

You good-for-nothing.

Take it all in, Hughie

'cause they don't serve anything this fine

in here.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. No, no.

Daisy, I'm available for conjugal visits.

Daisy!

And since someone

needed to take the fall,

Boss set up Hughie

as his personal Humpty Dumpty.

On one...

The voters weren't too happy

when they learned what Hogg was up to.

So they saw fit to elect a better man.

An honest man.

A dead man.

Turned out the shock of winning

was too much for old man Abernathy.

May he rest in peace.

So the voters, in their infinite wisdom,

put Boss back in office,

figuring the devil you know

is better than the devil you don't.

Get your hand off of there now.

His first official act was to pardon himself

of all wrongdoing.

Boss regretted offering that reward

for uncovering shine.

He figured nobody'd ever catch on to him.

Then, again, he never figured

on Bo and Luke.

They used the reward

to buy back the farm.

Bo finally found someone who appreciated

his particular driving skills.

Wait! Did I pass?

- Yes!

- Yeah!

While Luke found the one gal impressed

by a fella who can blow sh*t up.

Looks like he'll finally lose his virginity,

and to someone

who doesn't sexually abuse poultry.

Uncle Jesse told the kids

he was quitting the shine business

to spend the rest of his days

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